Is there any hope for my marriage

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Is there any hope for my marriage

Postby carlito 2018 » Wed Aug 01, 2018 12:49 pm

So where do I start?
My wife and I got together in 2003 when we were 22, we married in 2009. We have three kids born in 2010, 2012, 2015. We have a lovely house and decent income between us so we are quite comfortable.
Sounds all rosey but I’m currently coming to a crossroads.
Since around 2009 there have been so may ups and downs, prior to our wedding my wife displayed the first signs of what I thought was quite severe anxiety – which she had apparently always had but hid it quite well. This is fine – a stressful time will cause anxiety in everyone. Following the birth of our first child my wife slipped into post natal depression for around a year. a very difficult time for everyone. I was rejected during this time, she later admitted that she didn’t love me at the time she was depressed. I fought for our marriage during the depression and we came out of the other side ok eventually. Our second was born, all fine and no hitches. Then she fell pregnant with our third and had pre natal depression – a terrible time, was very difficult for everyone. We came through it again, a little battle worn but we made it.
Then our middle child was diagnosed with autism which has caused us both to go through a rough time. My wife teetered on the edge of depression, as did too but made it through.

During this whole time there has been huge tension in the house, mainly from anxiety, managing 3 kids, a disabled child. It hasn’t been plain sailing. My wife has tried anti-depressants, I visited a cognitive behavioural therapist. Again we’re ‘ok’.

I put the emphasis on OK purposefully. Throughout our marriage, and more specifically the last 8 years or so the physical aspect of our marriage has been non-existent apart from trying for children. Over the last 3 years or so I have practically been living in a sexless marriage – literally once every 2 months max, usually when drunk – the longest we have gone is around 4 months.
The physical aspect of our relationship is very important for me, I tried booking weekends away, nights out, nights away, meals, cooking, I try do an equal share of the housework and parenting when I am home (I only work Monday to Friday 9-5) but I know I fall short in this area, I’ve run baths, bought flowers, bought gifts, given massages, foot rubs, got the kids looked after. I have tried everything, but having sex is the last thing on my wife’s mind. I have lost count of the amount of time I have tried to initiate it, and I have lost count of the amount of reasons why she can’t. There is always something in the way, stress, anxiety, depression, tiredness, work, illness, headache. There has been no worse feeling than the constant rejection from my wife and what I have perceived to be her lack of thought as to why this may be a problem for us or how it might affect me and us.
My wife felt it may be related to anti depression pills, and so come off them, then it was recently the contraceptive pill and come off them. She thinks this will help increase her libido. The strange thing is that when we do have sex she told me, hionestly, that she always really enjoys it. It made no difference.

We sat down and had a chat recently, and she was very attentive. I told her that as a family I am happy, as a friendly relationship I am happy, but as a married husband I am miserable, low on confidence, beaten. I told her that things need to change as I can’t carry on with no physical relationship.

To be fair to her she looked really shocked and upset and said she doesn’t want me to leave her. She suggested having early nights together 3 nights a week. This started off OK, but I just get the feeling that my wife just isn’t attracted to me any more. There seems barely any effort on her behalf when we sleep together, although she appears to enjoy it there is just no passion and I feel like she is going through the motions, the other night she literally just lay there and told me the things I was doing wrong – there was just no chemistry at all. Already, 2 weeks later, this has dwindled. In fact, I think it was the third night of this new plan where it just did not happen. She said it was because she thought I was tired. I tried to really be sensitive about it and said that it’s ok if there are times she doesn’t feel like it or is too tired, just as long as we are open and honest about it and we can talk about it.
Back on to the routine It seems down to me to initiate again, last night for example we went up to bed at 10pm and put Netflix on. She was asleep within 15 minutes and didn’t move her head from the screen. Aside from that she will say ‘give me a kiss’ and then it seems more or less expected that I fully concentrate on her pleasure and she barely touches me on the shoulder let alone anywhere else.

Recently I have bought her new perfume, flowers, made breakfast in bed, but there aren’t any thoughts like this receiprocated

She has also said that we both need to take more care of ourselves health wise and lose weight together. I am taking this to mean that she does not find me physically attractive. I am over weight not morbidly so, I would say I am attractive and, although I can improve, I do make more effort with my appearance than I used to. I have started a self-imposed diet and already lost 5lb over 2 weeks. She asked me to grow a beard, and I am doing, despite hating everything about it (it’s just not me).

She was really stressed and a bit snappy over one day at the weekend. We had all been swimming and when we got back her mood changed from one of being seemingly happy to being annoyed. When we spoke a day later (because she finds it difficult to talk about things as she doesn’t want to upset me) she said it was because the house was a mess which caused her stress. Now her version of a mess and my version or a mess are different things. But she said that she was annoyed at me that I didn’t help tidy when we got back and didn’t help get my daughter ready for a party (this was the day I made her breakfast in bed, we went swimming, we then came back and I tried to cram in something to eat, I took my daughter to a party, then came back, then took my oldest son to an event at the rugby club (and had a drink with my friends there), that lasted 90 minutes and then I came back and put my younger son to bed). To be fair the tidying is something that I could have helped with and I apologised for. I did say that if she had simply informed me on what was stressing her out then I would have done something about it.

Whenever we have a discussion (argument) I always try and improve in the area she said I wasn’t really good in, even if I disagree with it. I may lapse into old habits sometimes but I will always try.

I have booked in my parents to stay at our house so we can go out and celebrate her birthday together. I am hoping that during this ‘date’ there is at least some kind of spark between us – but I think it may be completely gone.
My problem is that I don’t know whether I am already beat. I am already calculating how much child support money I will have to pay, how much money she would have with the children each month and would she be able to survive off it (and she would easily be able to do so), how much a mortgage for me would cost. She knows that I have looked into this previously.

My wife tells me that she loves me, I know I need to give our plan a chance (as does my wife though) and then maybe go to counselling if it doesn’t work but I woke the other day just feeling that it was all too late, despite my love for her

I would be grateful for any advice/suggestions anyone has. I am very close to a crossroads now.
carlito 2018
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Re: Is there any hope for my marriage

Postby boulding » Fri Aug 03, 2018 3:08 pm

Hi Carlito

This is not a good situation for you. The human psyche is a very fragile thing and once the pair bonding mechanism breaks down it can be difficult to mend. I think the things you are doing are very well intentioned but are putting an intolerable strain on your poor over-stressed wife. It might be best to take a step back and just give time a chance to mend things. If all pressure for sex was taken off her you might find things would be different.

If you leave you run the risk of losing the day to day relationship with your children and that would be heartbreaking. Also I don't think your conscience would let you leave such very young children. I'm not saying you should stay indefinitely in a loveless, sexless marriage because this would ultimately be very damaging to you but I do not think you should rush into a sudden decision. It would be a good idea for you to have counselling on your own so that you have support during this difficult time.

It does seem clear that your wife (and probably you) is enormously overworked and over stressed. If you are both working you need to spend your time off focusing on the children and having down time for yourselves rather than getting bogged down in chores and housework. So on a practical level It might be just be a good idea to get a cleaner in for a couple of hours a week to sort the house out. It could be money well spent.
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Re: Is there any hope for my marriage

Postby carlito 2018 » Tue Aug 07, 2018 11:30 am

Thanks for your reply boulding, very much appreciated and I take on board what you have said.

My wife and I had a good chat the other nigyt during which I did say that iw as worried that I was putting her under too much pressure and there would be no way it could come naturally.
My wife said that she could understand how and why I felt the way I do and really tried to reassure me. She said it really hit home how bad I felt and that she was sorry it had come to this but we are both determined to fight on and make sure that we rejuvinate things.

Things haven’t been great but there is a big chance that they will get better. All our kids will be in full time education in September, she will have 2 and a half days a week without the kids (she works part time term time), we will have more money due to jno longer paying child care and it means I can take time off work and spend time with my wife, with it just being us two. I am full of hope for the future which is mainly from the fact that my wife is really listening and so I at least feel that my wife is being sensitive to the matter and treating it seriously. Wen just need to keep on top of our relationship and make sure that it does not stagnate.

Thanks again
carlito 2018
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Re: Is there any hope for my marriage

Postby Downhill » Sun Aug 26, 2018 10:51 am

Cxxxxxxx xxxxxx
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