Advice on trust issue please

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Advice on trust issue please

Postby Justasking » Mon Aug 20, 2018 12:57 pm

Hi

Some years ago I had an internet friend of the opposite sex which was purely a friendship to which my OH didn’t like. We were friends on Facebook, my OH logged into my account at that time and deleted / blocked the person. There has been no contact since. I recently saw when my OH was browsing the Internet a recent search was this persons name. I confronted them about it and they just stated that there was no real reason for searching them, just curiosity and that they regularly search them. Now I take this as a lack of trust in me.. after all why else would they be interested in searching this person ?? The friendship was years ago. I feel like I have been rocked and don’t feel I am or can ever be trusted after discovering this. My OH just states ‘well if you hadn’t seen it you wouldn’t have known’

Am I blowing things out of proportion or is this a serious problem of trust?
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Re: Advice on trust issue please

Postby Tarantula » Mon Aug 20, 2018 4:57 pm

Firstly, why did you feel the need to have an 'internet friend' of the opposite sex. Are you telling us, honestly, that you had no fantasies about them or romantic/sexual ideation whatsoever? If you say yes then I have to take your word for it, but you must admit, it sounds a bit odd. Especially once your OH raised concerns about it, it should've been over and out from your side. This person isn't 'real' in your life. They're just words on a screen, why put that above your relationship if there wasn't more to it?

Secondly, I'm not sure what there is to 'confront'. There are only things to understand, not confront. I bet your OH still feels inferior to this random fantasy internet person, wondering the same things I'm wondering.

It's never 'just curiosity'. There's always an underlying something going on. I think OH is trying to understand why this mysterious friend played a part in your life. OH obviously hasn't let it go.

Thirdly, I'm surprised you've taken such offence - since it was only friendship, after all. It's not like you're getting angry to try and disguise any secret intentions.

I think honesty is needed here, or trust won't be possible. OH needs to be honest about why they're snooping, and you need to be honest about why you entertained an online friendship on FB with someone of the opposite sex you'd never met.
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Re: Advice on trust issue please

Postby reckoner » Tue Aug 21, 2018 11:29 am

I think you're blowing it out of proportion. I don't see how an internet search for this other person would give any information about whatever contact you might have had with them. It could only yield public communications between you which, by definition, you're not trying to hide. So I can only conclude that the search was indeed based on curiosity about them, not a lack of trust in you.

If your partner had access to your Facebook to be able to block them, I presume they also read whatever communications you'd shared with them, and so could learn enough to be curious, not to mention insecure, about them. I don't personally see inherent problems with having internet friends of the opposite sex, especially if you've had no contact since your partner put a stop to it, but I can see why your partner would share the same doubts about the relationship as Tarantula does. So I think it would be fair to cut your partner some slack.
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