Slow painful decline in marriage

For problems with girlfriends, boyfriends, husbands, wives, lovers and leavers!
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

Slow painful decline in marriage

Postby Downhill » Sun Aug 26, 2018 10:36 am

Xxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxxx xxxxxxxxx. Xxxxxxx. Xxxxxxx. Xxxxxxxx. Xxxxxxx
Last edited by Downhill on Tue Sep 04, 2018 8:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Downhill
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2018 10:35 am
Gender: Male

Re: Slow painful decline in marriage

Postby reckoner » Tue Aug 28, 2018 12:40 pm

Downhill wrote:ultimately I feel I need to leave but it all seems so horrendous and a huge thing. I feel like a failure but I can’t live like this anymore.

Looking for advice on how you leave


I'm unsure from your post what kind of advice you're seeking (is it practical advice about formalising the end of the relationship? How to break the news to your wife?), and whether or not your decision to leave is final.

Certainly, the woman with whom you've found an attraction seems more like a way to avoid the situation with your wife than to resolve it, and a bit like a quick fix to experience physical intimacy. The connection you have with this woman is based on your mutual unhappiness, which I don't think is a healthy or sufficiently solid foundation on which to build a relationship. For example, if your unhappy marriages provide the context for the way in which you say you are "kindred spirits", how can you know if a relationship with her could be sustained outside of that context?

I strongly agree with you that the huge and unsuccessful effort to have children of your own has caused you to lose sight of your relationship with each other. For your wife, sex may have been reduced from an expression of love and intimacy to its biological function to procreate. In addition to the impact that having children very often has on a couple's love life (as you'll see from the many posts on here by people experiencing this kind of problem post-children), I can imagine that having sex may have become a reminder to her of the failure to have your own children, which might be contributing to the stifling of any sense of desire in her. Perhaps she's put off being affectionate with you because she thinks you will try to escalate it to sex, which she is clearly uncomfortable with and may also have negative associations for her.

Resolving this would require a great deal of patience and understanding. I appreciate that the counselling and therapy you have both attempted has been unsuccessful so far, but what have you been able to learn about your wife's take on the situation? What reasons does she give for not wanting to take part in the counselling / therapy? How do you think she would feel to learn that you want to end the relationship? Are there problems with the relationship apart from the lack of sex? Do you still love each other?

It might not seem like much, or enough, to you to describe your relationship with her as "friends", but that does at least suggest there is still a good bond there, and that the things you share ("a house, a bank account and kids") are hugely important things to share; it is pretty much normal, or at least common, for the associated stress of domestic realities like this to negatively impact a physical relationship. I appreciate that three years is a long time to go without sex, but I can also see that habits and routines have set in just trying to cope with life. Can you provide more detail about your reasons to think that the situation is beyond normal?

Perhaps one way to clarify what your next steps should be is to learn for yourself what formally ending the marriage involves and requires. You're absolutely right that it would be "horrendous and a huge thing", for the whole family. I think you need to understand your desperation at the situation in this context and what the realities of leaving are. My hope is that doing this will enable you to see that fixing your marriage will be easier in the long run than breaking the family apart, or at least help you decide whether or not that's the case.
reckoner
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 679
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:20 am

Re: Slow painful decline in marriage

Postby David020549 » Tue Aug 28, 2018 10:14 pm

You are fairly young, 40s? maybe and your wife is refusing any intimacy, that is really hard, she knows you are bugged by it, you have been to therapy together and no change. I have to ask does she actually " Like " you anymore?, whatever her problem is most men would think it unreasonable.

This lady you have met may or may not be a long term prospect but there are plenty of others who may be, after 3 yrs it is time to make the break, how do you tell your wife, say you have "met someone else", there is no easy way to say it's over just be honest.
David020549
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 408
Joined: Thu Dec 25, 2014 7:29 am
Gender: Male

Re: Slow painful decline in marriage

Postby Downhill » Sat Sep 01, 2018 12:48 pm

Xxxxxxx xxxxxx. Cxxxxxx. Cxxxxxxxx. Cxxxxxxx. Fcccxccc
Last edited by Downhill on Tue Sep 04, 2018 8:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Downhill
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2018 10:35 am
Gender: Male

Re: Slow painful decline in marriage

Postby reckoner » Tue Sep 04, 2018 10:27 am

I happened to come across an article about loss of libido and the first piece of advice it gave was to discuss it with your GP (also the first piece of advice on this topic on the NHS website). There are many physical/health reasons for a loss of libido, and it's also a symptom of various medications, so it may be helpful to also look into this aspect of the problem in addition to counselling.

I'm glad to read that you don't intend to let this other woman influence your decision.
reckoner
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 679
Joined: Thu Sep 04, 2008 11:20 am


Return to Girlfriends & Boyfriends - Husbands & Wives

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron