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Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 12:04 am
by Jaimsie
My girlfriend said a very strange thing to me today. The background is as follows. I'm a 39 year old man. She's 34. We met on Tinder 5 months ago. Four months into the relationship i did a despicable thing. I got drunk and visited a prostitute. Yes, I know it was despicable. Anyway, i immediately broke it off as i couldn't deal with the guilt. We were still talking after a few weeks so i felt the right thing to do was be completely honest and confess what i did. So i told her what i did. She said to come visit her and we can chat. So I have been here 3 days and she came out with this strange statement today: 'I want to have a baby by you whether we are together or not. you can still be part of the baby's life if we are not together and if you don't want to be part of the baby's life if you are gone before the child is three they wont miss you.' Now bear in mind i only know her 5 months and after 4 months i broke it off. What do people think of what she said????????


Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 6:26 am
by Tarantula
Oh my goodness.

People: stop breeding.

Why can't she adopt instead?

I think bringing yet more human mouths into the world, outside of the most ideal circumstances (financially stable, both parents in good health and in a stable relationship preferably a marriage, 'cause if you can't commit to that then how are you ready to commit to the biggest commitment you can make in life of being a parent?) is irresponsible.

Even in the most ideal circumstances, given the state of our environment, it's still illogical since so many children are already here and are in need of loving families. But we all just want our own brand, planet be darned, and to hell with anyone who dares to suggest that we're not entirely entitled to it.

I think you should seriously pitch the idea of adoption to her instead.

Also, the seemingly increasing flavour of 'Dads aren't that important anyway' is disgraceful imo. Dads are important. Families are important. Stable parenting is important. Evidence shows that children growing up with two parents in a functional relationship fare better than those who don't - and whilst there are exceptions as always, why would you pre-emptively settle for not having the father around? It's like playing chess without a queen, you can still win, but it's an automatic and considerable disadvantage.

What are your thoughts on it? I mean, why does she want it to be you? Did you going to a prostitute turn her on? She doesn't even sound mad. Is that the highest expectation she has of the kind of person she wants to pro create with? A guy she hasn't known very long who cheats? Mmmm can't wait to get his baby.

I think it's just absurd.


Posted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 7:24 am
by snail
Well she's been fairly clear. I assume when you confessed about the prostitute she realised that you hadn't broken it off because you were in a relationship with someone else, and that is why she came out with this proposal. She must think you have desirable qualities in some way, more so than anyone else available. It doesn't really matter what we think - what do you think? Are you tempted? If so, what is it that appeals to you? How would it work out? What would your responsibilities be? (Her idea, by the way, that if you leave before the child is three it won't miss you, is based on a mistaken understanding of child development). As a 39-year-old man if you do want children you are likely to be able to have them in a more conventional and rewarding way.


Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 10:05 am
by boulding
Hi Jamsie

It is difficult to understand why a 39 year old man with a girlfriend would get so drunk that he decided it would be a good idea to pay for sex. It's difficult to understand why you would dramatically break it off with her but "keep talking." It's even more incomprehensible why you would decide to off load your guilt onto her. Did you give her feelings any consideration at all. What did you think was going to happen? That you would be awarded a gold star for honesty. Why did you think she would feel anything other than revulsion and betrayal.

Five months isn't very long to date but it seems perhaps she was led on to believe you were a decent man and that you both had a future together, that perhaps you might build a life together and have a home and a family together. Now of course these dreams have been shattered in the worst possible way and perhaps the baby idea is an attempt to salvage something from what she now knows is a fantasy.

With respect Jamesie you do sound a little bit immature and unstable and I think now is the time for self reflection and thinking what you want out of life. Do you want to try to rebuild the trust in this relationship? Are you able to form an attachment to her and/or to a child.


Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 5:10 pm
by Jaimsie
In reply to your post, you ask a few things. Why did I do what I did, frankly I don't know. I certainly have issues. The reason I broke it off with here was that it would be completely dishonest to continue in a relationship with her if she didn't know the full facts. I confessed to her just so she would know everything. There should always be total honesty in a relationship. It had nothing to do with offloading guilt. And of course she should have felt revulsion. Then why say what she did? We only me 5months ago when I was coming out of therapy. She knows I have a drink problem and have issues. I never led her on. I told her my last girlfriend broke it off because I wouldn't commit to a baby. Obviously, I am not in the right place for a baby, though I do like children. Given all this why say what she said? Why consider bringing a child into the world careless whether the father would be around or not? As you see I am confused by it all. It makes no sense. I tell her I visited a prostitute and her response days later is to say she wants a baby by me whether we are together or not. Any further input would be appreciated


Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 5:18 pm
by Jaimsie
And also I should add that sadly I attempted suicide recently and she knows all about this as she actually phoned me to ask me to come back from the cliffs. It is obvious I have issues. I know that. Between drink and depression and suicide attempt. It is clear I have issues.


Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 5:31 pm
by Jaimsie
And also surely a baby is a big decision and should be a mutual decision in the context of providing thr child wihh a stable loving two parent family ideally


Posted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 5:34 pm
by David020549
Not an ideal situation but probably not that unusual and fairly easily explained.
Your girlfriend has no doubt had several relationships but no one has stayed with her, her body clock is telling her she need to have children now and she has decided to go it alone. She is asking you to be the father, whatever the reason, good looks, good temperament, she has chosen you and she is not asking for any committment, although I'm sure she hopes you would stay.
On the downside you will be liable for child maintenence until the child leaves school, what you do depends wether you want to be involved and pay the weekly price. There is no shortage of part time and estranged fathers, many women kick the father out to get their "independance" once they get a couple of kids.


Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 9:24 am
by boulding
Hi Jamesie

I am sorry to hear your life is troubled and I think it is of real concern that you recently considered suicide. I do hope you are receiving professional help and support to get your life back on track. I think at the moment you should be putting your own welfare first and decide what you want from out of this relationship.

Please don't think I was suggesting you "led her on". I said she was led on and I meant by her own hopes and dreams of the future. In fact you sound like an honest person although I don't think honesty is the best policy when you absolutely know its going to devastate somebody. In this instance it might have been kinder to have kept your own counsel and sorted it out in your own mind.

Actually I don't think the baby issue is your biggest problem. If she's that set on a course of action she will get pregnant by you or someone else anyway. In any case it might just have been said for a bit of drama to match the your disclosure about a prostitute.

If you feel you want to continue with the relationship then just explain to her that you want to take things slowly. I think the priority is sorting out the other issues that are stopping you going forward with your life

Good Luck


Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 2:01 pm
by Jaimsie
Thank you for your thoughtful reply


Posted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 10:05 pm
by Tarantula
I think the best thing you can do right now is get support to quit the drink.

You know the drill. Go to AA, speak to your GP, watch sobriety podcasts and videos. I read 'the unexpected joy of being sober' at the start of this year and haven't had a drink since.

You're in the middle of something here, and if you can come out the other side, then maybe you'll be in a position to help pull others through one day. And won't that be nice?

I think you know that kids are absolutely off the table right now, and I think your gf is nuts for suggesting it. She also has her own skeletons, no doubt. But to bring a child into this situation at this time would be nothing less than reckless and unkind.

At 39 you can absolutely still turn things around. Whatever your backstory and particular challenges are - alcoholicism, BPD, child abuse, neglect, sexual assault, bereavement, estrangement, abandonment, war, disability, heartbreak, violence, unnatural tendencies - whatever it is, you can seek support for it.

Everything is figure-outable.