Break Up

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seksiclaire
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Break Up

Post by seksiclaire »

Hi all,
Haven’t posted here in a while but just feeling like I need to vent. So been with my OH for 9+ years, never married or engaged and no children. Bought a house together just over 5 years ago. I have probably felt like things haven’t been right for a while ie lack of intimacy etc, but never said anything as probably scared to face up to it and admit that I wasn’t happy. Anyway a few weeks ago while we were at a wedding (but drunk) he tells me out of the blue that he isn’t ready for marriage or children and doesn’t know if he ever will be (I’m 32 he’s 31). He said he knows I want it and doesn’t want to lead me on with false hope. To be honest I think I’ve been naive and thought “oh it’ll happen one day I won’t think about it right now” but each week/month even year that’s gone past I’ve been stuck in the same situation. Anyway the next day when we were back home he apologised for hurting my feelings but said he was just being honest and isn’t going to change his mind, and he said we have changed and don’t have anything in common anymore. I asked if he wanted to work at it and he said he didn’t know. That smacks to me if I don’t want to be with you anymore but don’t want to hurt your feelings. Fair enough as to be honest I knew it wasn’t working and do feel a bit relieved that he’s come out and said something so I’m not stuck in a rut anymore. The bit I’m struggling with though is our house we jointly own, I have paid for about 90% of the stuff in there and decorated it all nice etc as he didn’t want to be involved just let me get on with it (sounds like a lovely person right?!) and the discussion we have had is that he doesn’t want to move out, and I can’t afford it on my own as my salary isn’t high enough so I wouldn’t be able to take the mortgage on, whereas he earns more than double what I do so he would be ok I think. I’m just a bit gutted to have all the upheaval of having to move out (with the cat lol) and start again somewhere else on my own it’s daunting. I know people will say it’s got to be better than staying in an unhappy relationship which I agree it’s just I feel jelly all the time and it’s affecting my work. I also have a feeling he’s seeing someone else as he is glued to his phone constantly and stays out on a Saturday night not coming in til Sunday evening. He denied it when I asked him but I don’t even see us as a couple now anyway we are simply living in the house together until this mess is sorted. Sorry for the rant I just needed to speak to someone who isn’t close to me as all my family and friends have had it all over the last few weeks so just wanted someone impartial to listen.

Thanks :)
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Tarantula
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Re: Break Up

Post by Tarantula »

Hey Claire

Yeah, I think it's definitely time to move on with your head held high. At least he's being honest, and since you spent such a huge chunk of your lives together, I figure he's not a bad guy? Perhaps an amicable split is possible.

It sounds like you want marriage and kids, but it doesn't sound like you necessarily want those things from him. What I'm hearing is more the inconvenience of change than 'omg I'm heartbroken I really thought he was the one'.

I think this is a case of perhaps getting together too early in life before you've had enough experience of the dating possibilities... and not surviving all the big changes that happen in your 20's. You have to both make an effort to not get swayed by the thought of 'have I missed out?' It sounds like he wants to be with other people. I think, as a rule of thumb, if a guy is not talking serious commitment at the two year mark i.e. not even talking about getting engaged or any of that... then I would assume we want different things.

The best thing you can do is find yourself a cool apartment to move in to, rally your friends and family for support, and do your best to demonstrate that you're okay without him - but not in a catty way. This is so that you can prove to yourself that you can get through this, and also so that he's left thinking 'have I missed something?' He's probably expecting a big scene - try not to give him one. Just make your plans, and leave peacefully. Crying and ice cream once you're safely arrived in your new place, followed by yoga, followed by Eat Pray Love, followed by booking a trip to Peru, followed by hot new Brazilian man in about one year from now, ok?

Chin up dear - it's going to be okay!
SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988
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Re: Break Up

Post by SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 »

Hi Claire

I agree totally agree with Tarantula.

If you are not happy, you need to go. Yes it is really difficult and way more easier said than done but you can do it. I have just came out an emotionally abusive, manipulative & controlling relationship. It took me 2 years really & yeah It was really difficult but right now I am realising it is the best thing I ever done. Things did get pretty ugly but The relief I feel, not pretending to be happy anymore etc is bliss.

Yes it is a totally different situation but it does sound like your other half is a decent guy & will understand. Fingers crossed it could be amicable between you both.

I am the same age as you guys & I was so worried that it would be the end of the world if I had to start again but it is for the sure the best decision I have ever made.

The moral of the story is, if I can do it then you can do it!!!

Go get your happy, life is way too short to live unhappy. Too many of us are guilty of this, we don't have the guts to do what is right for us.

LIVE YOUR LIFE THE WAY YOU WANT TO

x
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seksiclaire
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Re: Break Up

Post by seksiclaire »

Hi Guys,

Thanks so much for both of your replies and taking time to read my post.

I know you are right I need to just look out for myself and make sure I am happy as I can’t go through life sacrificing things that I want to make someone else happy just so I dont upset the Apple cart. I would only end up resenting him and myself in the long run.

I know this is the right decision in the long run it’s just hard going through which I know loads of people have done and will do, including yourselves too. I just want to fast forward to that time where I’m not painting a smile on and pretending everything is ok, I can’t wait to be able to genuinely smile and be happy again. I know that day will come.

Thanks again for your advice and words they have really helped :) xx
SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988
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Re: Break Up

Post by SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 »

Hi Claire

You are most welcome. You have hit the nail on the head. You do need to think about what makes you happy. We do sacrifice our happiness all to often to please others. While this is a nice trait, it does not work as both parties end up unhappy.

Your other half will feel your unhappiness and therefore be questioning thins all the time & be feeling it too. The fact that he has been honest with you makes me think he cares enough that he will understand any decision you make. If not, then really not a man.

Yup you also right in the fact that it certainly wont be easy, perhaps one of the hardest things you will do. God if you look at my posts on here, they date back to 2017 before doing something about it this year. You feel overcome with that sick feeling & somewhat paralysed when you want to tell someone something that will upset them but at the end of the day that is life. The relief & happiness you will feel after will far outweigh the bad feelings. It is amazing how when you step back & break away how you can see everything clearly :)

You both deserve to be happy. Let us know how you get on

Good luck x
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seksiclaire
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Re: Break Up

Post by seksiclaire »

Hi GlasgowGirl,

Thanks so much for replying and for your kind words. I completely agree sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees but in time when looking back you see that it was totally the right decision and worth all the pain and stress that we have to go through to get there.

I haven’t read through all of your posts but from what you have said here you are amazing and so brave for doing what you did and getting yourself away from a bad situation. In this day and age people should be able to talk more openly about their issues and I know many don’t and that’s why there are so many problems with mental health etc, I’m a stickler for not taking my own advice sometimes and will sit quiet and not say anything while screaming inside but I will learn to get better at talking. Just going through what I am now is making me realise I am stronger than I thought I was.

Thanks for your reply again and hope you are ok :)
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