Infatuation

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natalie_jowonderland
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Infatuation

Post by natalie_jowonderland »

I'm new here and a bit apprehensive about making this post, simply because it gives some validity to the way I have been feeling, but I hope writing this will help me vent and act as a cathartic exercise if nothing else.

So, I live in Weymouth and the company I work for has currently been using a freelance photographer who comes over from Yeovil, which is about a 50 min drive away from me. As the office manager, I arrange all this. In recent weeks I have been somewhat obsessed with this person, to the point of making sure I wear attractive often revealing clothes when he visits, spending much more time doing my makeup and hair, trying to look as appealing as possible to him, being flirtatious, trying to engineer situations where we will be in the same room together/have lunch together, Facebook stalking, finding his house on Google Maps etc, constantly obsessing and fantasising and trying to think of reasons why he needs to come over to the company (often at great expense to the company!) for corporate photoshoots. Sometimes I think he is being flirtatious with me, sometimes I think he is just being friendly but he is often keen to engage in conversation in person [less so in email] and sometimes comments on my clothing or hair, sometimes puts kisses on end of messages, invited me out for lunch...

However, there are several problems/issues:
*He is, as far as I know, in a relationship
*I am in a relationship
*He lives up in Yeovil and is 20 years older than me, and wouldn't be 'boyfriend' material for me even if I was single
*This whole situation is causing me anxiety and discomfort, insomnia and guilt [even though I haven't done anything wrong, I have not cheated or done anything like that] but I cant help how I feel
*He is coming over to our company tomorrow [something orchestrated by me of course] and even though I have the feelings mentioned above, I also feel excited, and keen to see him, so I have bought some new clothes, in the hope he may feel attracted to me
*I dont see anywhere for this whole obsession to go. It is uncharted territory for me. I am deeply torn and it is causing me to feel conflict and stress.

Has anyone else every experienced something like this?
Dave777
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Re: Infatuation

Post by Dave777 »

Yes, it happened to me years ago, a woman got infatuated I fell for her advances, the affair lasted quite a while, in the end we got caught. I managed to stay married - just, she lost out big time, divorce and lost 2 of her children as well.
The best thing can do is take a day off work when he is due because either he will reject you or you will have an affair and then loose out when the fun ends.
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Tarantula
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Re: Infatuation

Post by Tarantula »

I feel bad for your man. I mean you say you haven't done anything wrong, but I'm not sure. Feelings are one thing - specifically buying new outfits/dressing up etc so that another man notices you - that's crossing a line.

Beak up with your partner if it's so easy for some random older guy to get your attention. You're lost in the fantasy of this guy - not the reality. And if you get somewhere with him, no doubt the reality of who he is will bite you in the backside. But by then it'll be too late.

I've been lost in fantasy before. I think it's normal to find other people attractive when you're off the market. But, acting on it in any way is a big no-no.

You're probably gonna do what you wanna do anyway - most people are slaves to how they feel, as much as we like to think we have discipline or agency - but the better thing would be to leave him alone... the black belt one-in-a-million thing to do would be to use this experience as a sign that things in your relationship aren't working, and come clean to your partner about that and try to grow from it.

But as I say, you probably won't do that. Not when it's just so much easier to find some excuse to keep seeing this guy and blame it on the 'feelings'.

I hope whatever happens causes the least harm possible. Good luck
reckoner
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Re: Infatuation

Post by reckoner »

Yes, I've been infatuated with someone while in a relationship with someone else. I ended up in a relationship with him that lasted for six years. After it finished, he told me he'd never been able to trust me because of how our feelings had started. A lesson there.

I may well be wrong but I can't help wondering from your post if this infatuation is a result of boredom, either with the stage your own relationship is at (for example when you no longer bother trying to look nice for each other), the relationship itself (this new man has qualities you admire that your existing partner doesn't have), or perhaps even with your job (do you have too much time on your hands?). As Tarantula said, you can use this infatuation as an opportunity to explore what's missing in your relationship or perhaps elsewhere in your life that causes you to be preoccupied in this way.

Maybe this older man represents maturity (being older) or independence (being freelance), or maybe gives you an opportunity to flex managerial power (by organising his visits for your personal rather than professional interest). Has your partner noticed you changing your appearance, and if not, do you think he doesn't pay enough attention to you?

In my case, I think my infatuation highlighted the specific problem of compatibility in my relationship: it showed me the problem, but it wasn't the solution. Based on my experience, that's how I'd advise you to consider this infatuation.
natalie_jowonderland
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Re: Infatuation

Post by natalie_jowonderland »

Hi all.
Thanks for your feedback.
The second para of reckoner's reply really did resonate with me more than anything 'I may well be wrong but I can't help wondering from your post if this infatuation is a result of boredom, either with the stage your own relationship is at (for example when you no longer bother trying to look nice for each other), the relationship itself (this new man has qualities you admire that your existing partner doesn't have), or perhaps even with your job (do you have too much time on your hands?). '

The fantasies and yearning do ramp up in times of boredom. This is definitely the case. And my partners has not noticed any change in appearance. I only make a big effort on days when Alex (not his real name, but lets call him that) comes over.

Please note, I do NOT want to enter into a relationship with Alex, even if I was single, it is not a relationship I am seeking at all. It is just 'harmless' flirting altho sometimes I think it isn't? It is all highly subjective, and I think lots is rooted in my perceived reality rather than objective reality. He said he would take me out for dinner in Weymouth next time he saw me. What am I meant to say to that? Either it is a completely innocent suggestion, and a kind one at that, or there is an ulterior motive. I think the former is more likely with regards to his intentions.

Nat.
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Re: Infatuation

Post by reckoner »

natalie_jowonderland wrote: Fri Mar 13, 2020 10:40 am It is just 'harmless' flirting altho sometimes I think it isn't?
Harmless flirting is when you exchange a bit of banter, have a bit of a giggle and think nothing more of it. It doesn't make you feel anxious and uncomfortable or result in an invitation to dinner. Inviting you for a quick coffee is one thing, but dinner? That's a date he's suggesting.

It seems strange to me that you have put so much effort into attracting him but then prefer to interpret his dinner invitation as just innocent and kind rather than believing the far more obvious and likely explanation: that he read your signals correctly and wants to take you up on it. To see it any other way would be naïve, frankly.

So if you never really intended for your actions to have real-world consequences, at this point I think you need to thank him for what sounds like a nice idea, have your excuses ready should he follow up on the suggestion and maintain a professional distance from now on.

It seems like you needed a little excitement in your life. You've discovered that this wasn't a harmless way to get it. Reinvigorating your relationship or ending it if it has run its course, and finding ways to challenge yourself at work will provide you with far more meaningful and long term reward - and keep you out of mischief!
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Tarantula
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Re: Infatuation

Post by Tarantula »

Yeah I mean if you go for dinner with him, that's not on. You're literally accepting to go out with a man you find attractive, who asked to spend time with you one on one. In the evening.

No one is that naive.

Hope you don't lie to your boyfriend going 'it's just a friend thing!!!!!!'

I'd think very carefully if I were you. If this is your way of telling your boyfriend that it's over, why not just end it fair and square? Instead of taking the coward's way out by going off with another man.
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