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Boyfriend thinks I'm a child.

Posted: Sat Apr 17, 2021 6:43 pm
by Kcor
A couple of years ago I fell in love with my boss at work. He runs a little bar in a small town and I put all my efforts into making it a great place, and I suppose, quite a lot of effort into being "credible" to him and others. I've had a bit of a rocky past.

We started going out and at first it was crazy love, really intense for both of us. Then slowly the rules began to change, it was my job to cook and clean for his teenage kids, no more nights out, he complained about my drinking. Sex tailed off within the first months and we haven't been in any way intimate for over a year now. He says he doesn't need it and that he's perfectly happy, and I in turn feel like a sex addict when I bring it up. He's not a bad guy obviously, he's funny and smart and very family oriented and loving. But I can't help feeling.... The other day we went to help out some good friends and had some lunch with them. They're a couple around our age, girl early 40's, guy early 50's....We were all enjoying ourselves and when the guy went to top up my glass, my boyfriend says "hey! I don't serve booze to YOUR kids!". The guy pointed out that I'm his girlfriend, not his child, and my boyfriend said something about running his family as he saw fit. I was so embarrassed, I quickly smoothed things over and we moved on. But that comment has really stuck with me. I think it came out of his mouth instinctively and it's just another few bricks added to a wall of mistrust for me. This morning he woke me very early and seemed to want a cuddle, I was so pleased! Finally! But after a few minutes of me scratching his back and kind of getting in closer I realised he wasn't.. doing anything. I started to stress myself out, Come on girl, think of something, do something, does he want to? Does he not? It's your big chance! He just wasn't responding at all so I went downstairs to cry a bit and fell asleep on the couch. That's what made me want to write this all out really.

I've never been very good at relationships. I'll be 41 next birthday and I really felt this was it. I was so happy to have found someone to settle down with. I just feel sometimes like I've been bluebearded, and that the compromises are too hard. By the same token I've never felt more.. stable. He has introduced me to many friends I really like, his family is lovely and we see them often, my family love him. I have a life with him. We've established something which is a first for me. On good days it's great. 10 years ago I'd have been gone like a shot, and maybe missed out on something special. I just don't know what to do!

Re: Boyfriend thinks I'm a child.

Posted: Wed Apr 21, 2021 10:24 pm
by reckoner
I think you're absolutely right to see this as a giant red flag. It seems like a precise articulation of what sounds like a general attitude towards you of being his property.
Kcor wrote: Sat Apr 17, 2021 6:43 pm We've established something which is a first for me
This experience should demonstrate to you that, contrary to what you've previously believed and experienced, this sort of stability is well within your grasp in terms of you deserving it, being able to enjoy it and being able to attain it. But I do not believe you should settle for it with this man.

He seems to expect you to provide household services to his own family with no regard for your own needs and desires. That's not about being in his 50s, that's about being in the 1950s.

I don't think you should expect the situation or his attitude to improve. I can only see it get worse. Making comments like that is bad enough.

If you'd experienced good relationships before, I don't think you'd tolerate this so I think you should trust your instinct to not tolerate it now.

Re: Boyfriend thinks I'm a child.

Posted: Thu Apr 29, 2021 5:05 pm
by Kcor
Thanks so much for this reply. It's so useful to think that I could establish something similar with someone else, without all of the downsides. I will update at some point, thanks again.

Re: Boyfriend thinks I'm a child.

Posted: Thu Apr 29, 2021 10:26 pm
by reckoner
I'm really glad if it was helpful. I think this relationship is an important stepping stone for you, best of luck. It would be great if you can update us at some point!