Marriage trouble

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Just Landed
Just Landed
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Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2021 9:27 pm
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Marriage trouble

Post by Phoebe1000 »

Hi, for a few years now my marriage has felt like really hard work. I still love my husband but he works longs hours 6 days a week and is tired and irritable when he gets home with little spare capacity for me. We have two small children I virtually single parent. It’s a pretty lonely life and when I’m stressed, tired, struggling with the kids I don’t feel I can talk to him about these things. He once laughingly said “what have you got to be stressed about!”. Anyway things aren’t good and haven’t been for a long time. I’ve suggested counselling but he’s not up for that.

The real reason for my anxiety at the moment though is that I met someone recently. Another man I really like and have been talking to regularly (nothing more, and only casual conversations in public). I’m pretty sure he likes me. He’s a single dad I see every day on the school run. He seeks me out most days for a chat when until recently he never spoke to me. He just seems keen. I’m thrown by it as I’ve not had anyone fancy me like this in years! I have to admit I’m really flattered. My husband barely looks at me anymore and I’m so lonely, we just don’t chat. Anyway I’m thinking about school run man way too much! What’s worse is I find myself not mentioning my husband around him. After a couple of weeks of chatting to him most days it’s so wrong of me not to bring him up. I know I’ve behaved really badly in that respect. Like when he asked me what I’m doing this weekend, it’s my husbands birthday but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell him that. I’m really ashamed of myself to be honest. I think school run man does know I’m married, he’s my Facebook friend now and my profile says married, but weird the way I don’t want to mention my husband around him. School run man is lovely. He does make me wish I was single but I’m not only married I have 2 children, so does he (he’s divorced). I also don’t think I’m ready to give up on my marriage yet. We have so many years of shared history and a lot of great memories. I just don’t know how to sort myself and my marriage out and stop being tempted by other men (although this is the first time I’ve been seriously tempted to cheat). I should also mention I was horribly depressed before I started chatting to school run man (who lives a few streets away from me) and since I started chatting to him each day I’m so much happier (but terrified about what that means!). Looking forward to talking to him is what gets me up in the morning.

Thanks so much if you’ve read all of this. Bit long winded, sorry! Has helped just writing it to be honest.
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Re: Marriage trouble

Post by MrBlueyes »

I have been that man, and there’s two things you should know, first he knows you’re married and it doesn’t bother him, secondly because of how you feel he could just be being friendly and you’re seeing a lot more than is actually there.
What you need to do is work out what it is you want, you say you don’t want to give up on your marriage but if you start an affair and get caught then that’s likely to end it anyway. If you’re talking on the school run other people have noticed it and it could get back to your husband. My advice is if your husband doesn’t want counselling then go on your own. You need to get to the bottom of why you are like this, and advice on how to overcome it. Lots of husbands work long hours and their wives feel forgotten, and generally they will say it’s so they can provide for their family, this may well be true but what is it you are missing, even though you have kids you are still a couple you still have wants and needs. Are they being met? What is it you want from him? Clearly this other guy is giving you something he listens, pays you compliments? Makes you laugh and feel good about yourself???
This is what you are missing in your relationship, so if you want to get that back how? Can you have a weekend away? Can you have time alone to talk, can you have a date night once a
Week. You need to try and see if he changes marriages are about compromise you may not get all you want but if your not getting any of it then there is an issue. Hopefully this will help, affairs are rarely good, occasionally they might work out they give you what your missing for a while but then he asks you to leave, you can’t do it, he pressures you and you fall apart. Sort out your marriage if it’s beyond help you need to decide can you live with life as it is now till your kids leave home? Then what? Or do you want what you’re missing? What age are the children’ sometimes this makes a difference to a persons choice.
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