Cigarettes or Me

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KoRn_Freak
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Cigarettes or Me

Post by KoRn_Freak » Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:18 am

I'm really confused at the moment, I'd appreciate a smoker's point of view on this as well as a non smoker's.

Here we go.

Last night my boyfriend rang me and we were just chatting when he asked what would I do if he started smoking again? (I asked him to quit before we started going out because I said it was the only thing putting me off him; this was nearly 3 years ago)
And I wasn't shocked or anything because we've talked about it a little bit before on and off, but my position still stands: I hate smoking, I hate the smell of cigarettes, I hate the health problems associated with it, and in turn I don't want to be with anyone who smokes. He didn't say it nastily but he said that it sounded as if I was selfish, because it was all about me. But I've grown up with my mother smoking ever since I was a baby, and even as a child I detested it and used to beg her to stop. My biological father didn't smoke, and that was one of the reasons why I liked him better. My step dad smokes cigars, which is worse because they stink like god only knows what. Both my parents are 50+ and there's no way in hell that they're going to quit. The house stinks of smoke though, the animals stink of it, my clothes stink of it, the furniture stinks of it, even the ceiling's getting stained because of it, and there's no escape from it except upstairs, but even then the smell gets wafted up when doors are left open.
I asked him why he was thinking about it, and he said he was thinking about when he was 16 and how he used to be and all, and he said that he used to enjoy smoking, and I asked him why. He didn't forumlate a very distinct answer but it consisted of it calming him down and de-stressing him. I said to him would cigarettes offer their advice in times of need, would they hold him if he ever felt frightened or overwhelmed, would they ever keep him company if he ever felt lonely, and he sort of went silent. Even if he didn't smoke around me I still wouldn't like it, because I would know that there's something entering his body polluting it for absolutely no need. And he brought up the thing about alcohol, and I said well if you think I'm being hypocritical then I'll stop drinking (because I hardly drink anyway as it is). Day after day I watch my parents puff away minutes of their lives, which they apparently want to live to their fullest, and that screams contradiction to me because in turn they're just shortening them. No one has so far died from a smoking related illness, and I don't ever want it to happen to either one of my parents. Why would I ever condone something that my boyfriend, the person I love above all else, wants to do to himself? He said I shouldn't be so uptight about it, because to him it's not a big deal, but it's a massive deal to me. I'm scared of death, ok? I'm terrified of the day when we get a phone call letting us know that my nana's died. I'm terrified of the day when I get a call letting me know that my nana Pritchard's died, as I'm dreading the day when my dog dies, and so on and so forth. I want to live a long, healthy and fulfiling life that doesn't come with excess baggage, like extra trips to the hospital because of respiratory problems, or bad sinuses, or (god forbid) cancer, because they're completely unnecessary.

Why, after nearly 3 years, has he all of a sudden started contemplating smoking again when he knows that I wouldn't be able to tolerate it? I just can't be with someone who smokes, just as I can't be with someone who binge drinks, or smokes weed, or gets smacked out on crack. Why am I deemed selfish for having honest preferences??? I don't want to kiss an ashtray. I don't want to feel disappointed when I hear that crackly, mucusy smoker's cough. I don't want to feel angry and in despair when the chemicals start to take control.

Is there something wrong with me, or missing?? Am I not a whole enough person to be with without resorting to smoking?? I talk about loads of different things, I'm willing to jump out of planes and go white water rafting, I'd tie myself to a tree if it would help save it, I laugh at everything, I draw, I take photos, I sing, I write, I watch Will and Grace, I love the cinema, I can't do sudoku but I wouldn't mind learning; I'm sorry if I sound arrogant but I'm not a bad person, and I love to be a comforting retreat when the people I love are in need, and I'm willing to stand up for my friends and family if they don't feel they can. I'm no where near perfect but am I not enough??

I even asked him what would bring him the most long term happiness. And he said he didn't know.

I'm usually all for balance and things in moderation, but on this subject I am purely black and white. There is no in between and no compromise. It's either smoking, or me.

I can't just accept something that I wish had never even been invented.
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Post by X_Smiler_X » Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:27 am

Korn_Freak.

I wouldn't deem you as selfish, but I think you are over-reacting a bit. I dont mean to sound rude, but you should love your boyfriend for who he is. If he wishes to start smoking again, thats his choice.

I smoked for 6 years, I stopped, not because other people wanted me to stop, but because I wanted to. Your boyfriend obviously wants to start smoking again, due to unknown reasons.

I understand you are scared of dying, I feel the same when it comes to smoking, thats why I stopped! Trust me, even though you have quit, it is still tempting. He just needs to learn to fight the craving.

What I'm trying to say is nobody can stop him doing what he wants to do. If he wants to smoke his life away, let him. Its HIS choice.

My boyfriend hated me smoking, really he did. But he didn't go on at me. He made little hints at me that he didn't like it, but he wouldn't have dumped me because of it. He loves me for me, not because I smoked.

Think about it. Speak to your boyfriend, tell him how your feeling, that you dont like it, and you ADVISE him not to start again. Dont TELL him, he is his own person, not yours to tell.

I hope I didn't sound harsh hun, hope it goes ok.

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Post by LICKLELEA » Thu Oct 27, 2005 11:59 am

I completely sympathise with on this issue. None of my family (except my brother) smoke and I know of disappointment when they are coughing. It is horrible. Then again. I feel like a hypocrite as I have the odd fag when I've been drinking so I see it from Your boyfriend's point of view too.

Have you ever been stopped having something that you are used. Like someone stopping you eating ....chocolate? The more they detest it the more you want it. That is probably how your boyfriend feels. You saying that he can't have it is making smoking sound like a really good thing to him.

Now I'm with you on the I dont want you kiss an ashtray thing but it is his life and really it is down to him to do what he wants to do. I hope for your sake he carries on being a non-smoker as you obviously love him dearly and I hope he comes to his senses. Maybe if you don't put so much pressure on the desire to smoke will go?

Good Luck and I'm sorry if its a bit muddled!!

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Post by brfc » Thu Oct 27, 2005 12:21 pm

i guess you cant change someone. if they want to smoke they,ll smoke. my fiancee occassionally smokes after a few drinks but not all the time. doesnt bother me. think im one of these few people who has never smoked. never wanted to i guess. you took on your boyfreind for him being him. if he wants to smoke then i guess its his choice. you can either stick with him or find a boy friend whose a non smoker. i do agree that it gets every were on your clothes hair everything. i prefer non smokers myself. but its the individuals choice.

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Post by danielle » Thu Oct 27, 2005 12:22 pm

well as a smoking i see both sides of the story but more from your boyfriends view.

you telling him that it is you or fags is going to make it seem that you would throw away your relationship just over him smoking.
seems abit silly to me .

when you love someone you love them for them not because they smoke or not. im sorry to sound harsh but if my boyfriend told me he didnt want me to smoke i would tell him that i smoked when he met me why should i change.
yeah smoking can kill you but so can not looking properly before you cross the road. why live your life scared of what might happen if smoking makes him happy then why dont you want him to be happy.
i hate to point this out but if he has started saying that then he proberly already has a snidy fag when he is out with his mates anyway and you dont even notice.

and as for the ash tray comment well im not being funny i always have a chewing gum after a fag and no one i have ever kissed has complained that i taste like an ashtray. what if you have garlic how would you feel if he said i ent kissing you till that taste and smell has gone.
personally i would be mortified.

im sorry but a relationship is about loving what people have to offer from their heart not if they smoke or nt

i think your being a little single minded its like your saying its my way or the highway to him.

sorry to be harsh as i wasnt meaning it that way
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Post by PinkPrincess » Thu Oct 27, 2005 12:48 pm

If some one has quit smoking for more than a year then their body no longer needs it, so if he wants a cigarette after three years of not smoking then it's a mental thing and he is just remembering how he use to enjoy it.

I agree with you, I absolutely hate smoking too! I've never tried it and it has never appealed to me at all. My ex boyfriend smoked at first and I hated the way that after I had spent time with him my hair and clothes stunk of it and it put me off wanting to see him. I told him how I felt and that I didn't like it but to show him that it was bad for him I also got a load of info from the internet to scare him. He went to the doctors and eventually he quit. We're not together any more but we're still mates and he now hasn't had a cigarette for over two years.

I worry about people dying too. None of my family smoke but I just worry something bad will happen. I think it's only natural to worry about the people we love. I use to worry loads and cry at night but then I just got over it and thought well it will happen one day and there's nothing anyone can do about it so I try to make the most of the time I have while I can..

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Post by lilessexgal » Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:39 pm

i can see how you feel and i do sympathise. your boyfriend should realise hes been off it for three years......why start again now?

on the other hand if he really wants to smoke you cant stop him its his choice, and at least he phoned you up and asked you and explained it to you instead of just doing it.

i wouldnt say its the ciggarettes or me if you two really love each other i would try and help him choose the right descision and get over the fact he wants one. be there for him.

explain to him that it would mean alot if he didnt start.
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Post by V23 » Thu Oct 27, 2005 2:41 pm

I agree that after three years you should love your bf whether he smokes or not.
I can understand your point but is there no way you can compromise? Ask him to not smoke when you're around?
Alot of people do give up for years and then start again, it's not that unusual. It is ultimately his choice whether he starts up again so instead of giving him an ultimatium would it not be better to tell him how upset you are by this and then let him make a decision from there.

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Post by Moose » Thu Oct 27, 2005 5:45 pm

I agree that you should ask him to smoke when you're not around. If you spend a lot of time together, he might find that so inconvenient that he stops anyway.

I can understand that you don't want him to smoke, but try not to take it so personally. It's probably nothing to do with you and what you may or may not lack. It's more to do with him making his own choices in life.

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Post by all_apologies » Thu Oct 27, 2005 5:48 pm

I'm with you 100% on this one koRn_freak. A non-smoker myself, there's nothing worse to me than seeing a really hot guy or girl who smokes, it immediately makes me think "ah well, no chance!". An ex boyfriend of mine was a smoker, and kissing him was in no way nice, and it was one of the reasons I broke it off with him.

However, the biggest factor for me is the thought of potentially being in love with someone who is a smoker. I think in this scenario I'd probably, like you, offer an ultimatum based solely on the health risks. I do not want to be with someone who is knowingly putting their (and my) life at risk. There are so many tragic cancer/heart-disease related deaths as it is, why would anyone want to massively increase their chances of either of these?

I don't think it's selfish on your part at all. I know smokers will protest, and that's their prerogative which is fair enough. I'm in no way judging smokers or their reasons for choosing to smoke, but I personally would think long and hard about being with someone long term if they were a smoker. If someone loves you back, surely they'll see that being with you is far more important than puffing their lives away as you so aptly put it :wink:

Your boyfriend is probably reacting because he feels like you're controlling him. Just make sure he knows it's just because you don't want him to suffer health problems, not because you want to deprive him of fun.

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Post by captainf » Thu Oct 27, 2005 7:04 pm

I just can't be with someone who smokes, just as I can't be with someone who binge drinks, or smokes weed, or gets smacked out on crack. Why am I deemed selfish for having honest preferences??? I don't want to kiss an ashtray.


I feel exactly the same 100%!

I think that you should advise him not to smoke. However, I think you should also say that if he does take it up then he may lose you. Something like 'I think it would be a bad idea for you to start again, however it is your choice, but as I hate it so much bare in mind that I may not be able to accept it in the long run' That way you're putting your point accross!

Is your b/f still training to become a pilot? If so, it might be a nice idea to remind him that smokers are affected by such things as hypoxia alot quicker, about 5000ft, whereas a normal healthy, non-smoker, will only be affected above 10,000ft. Also get him to look at decompression and the required reaction rate at high altitude, if he becomes a smoker its likely he won't make those reaction times.

So basically, all you should do is tell him that it is his choice and that if he does take it up again you can't be guranteed to stay. Just because you've been with him 3yrs it doesn't mean you have to accept everything, what if he became an alcoholic and you had been with him 20yrs, would you stay with him if it took over your lives? If he smokes he will start to smell of it, his breath will also smell awful..etc Its almost a lifestyle in its own.

I am with you 110%, I would never date a smoker, never date a drug taker, never date anyone into binge drinking....they're all turn offs.
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Post by Liquidius » Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:28 pm

Well, I share exactly the same view as you. It puts me right off anyone, completely so. However, its his choice at the end of the day, and if he wants to smoke, he can do. I wouldn't take it personally, it's nothing you've done or not done :)

Do you think you'd be able to tolerate it if he did start smoking again? Or do you really feel that you cannot stand it?

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Post by misskrystal » Thu Oct 27, 2005 8:30 pm

I used to date a smoker and I absolutely hated the way he smelled. It was in his clothes, in his hair and on his breath.

I also couldn't help wondering, if we stayed together, would our home smell like this too?

To me, smoking is the same as heavy drinking or drug taking. It can be really anti-social and it's something I'm not willing to accept in a long-term relationship.
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Post by coocoocadgoo » Fri Oct 28, 2005 12:45 pm

Firstly, sorry if this sounds harsh but... You've been with him for three years, and now you're going to throw it all away because he might start smoking again?
Hmm... Will his personality change because he has a cigarette? No, so don't compare this to alcholism or drug-taking.
If you love him now, you should love him after he's made his decision. Otherwise, you may well be with the wrong person.
Just ask him not to smoke around you, or before you see each other.

I agree that it seem you are over-reacting just a bit...

:)

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Post by captainf » Fri Oct 28, 2005 1:16 pm

No, so don't compare this to alcholism or drug-taking.


Its worth a mention that cigarettes have the potential to ruin your health and kill you just as alcoholism and drug taking, thats where the comparison comes in. ;)

It's important to remember that some people (like myself) don't want to be with someone who has ashtray breath, smelly clothes...etc So even if he didn't smoke around her, the fact that he smokes will be apparent regardless.
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