on and off, and very confusing

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Just Landed
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on and off, and very confusing

Post by ls_ddd » Mon Mar 24, 2003 1:49 am

I've been going out with my boyfriend for about 2 years. At times things have seemed idyllic, at other times we've argued a lot. Recently the arguments were getting worse and worse, and I couldn't seem to stop them any time that I realised we were about to have another. Finally there were a couple of huge rows that weren't even arguments, just torrents of abuse, they weren't even based in some plausible disagreement. He screamed at me and called me a witch, told me everyone hated me, said that all of our friends think I'm a witch, and that I was just like his mother (who bullies him). After the first time he cried and said he loved me and was sorry, and I forgave him, and the same thing happened the second time. But then a week later I found an email to his ex that ended "I know this sounds stupid, but I'm missing you already" (she lives abroad, where we'd just been on holiday and met up with her once). I can't really tell if I just have no sense of perspective, or if most people would object to that. I've stopped emailing one of my male friends that had a crush on me, just because he asked me too, so it didn't seem very fair. But anyway that was the last straw, not really because I was angry, but just because I was slowly going mad from the sudden personality changes from loving boyfriend to someone who could look at me as if he hated me. I broke up with him then. But after a few days we're back together. We've done and planned everything together for so long that it seems impossible not to be going out. We see each other every day, have all the same friends, most of the same hobbies. And I'm still quite sure that we both love each other.

Argh. I wrote loads and I seem to have lost it all after here. I’ll try to summarise it all.

Almost everyone (everyone except my best friend) says we should be together, most of them don’t know the full story, but even my mother, who does know it all thinks we should still be going out. We’d talked about the future a lot, we’re going to the same university, and had got to the point where we assumed we’d be together after that too.

Yesterday I went round to his house, and it seemed as if everything could be great again, we played basketball and talked and watched a film, and ate some sticky american ice-cream. But it feels slightly odd, because it doesn’t feel as if he’s done something wrong that I’m slowly forgiving him (except the email which he’s explained as he woke up jealous about me, and missed his childhood, which she was part of – and I believe him, I know he doesn’t even really like her anymore. so that’s just human error), it seems as if the arguments weren’t real because they don’t make any sense in the type of relationship we have. For a while I thought he might actually hurt me, he’s a lot bigger than me, and both times he made it physically impossibly for me to leave (and once left a (very little) bruise where he grabbed me), and told me I was pathetic for trying to leave instead of ‘discussing things’ with him. I felt as if I was going mad. Often he gets frustrated when I’m upset (which is no more often than he is), which can cause arguments, and is one of the things he’s brought up of his own accord and promised to change, but he’s never seemed so angry at me before. There are a few times before he’s grabbed me and sworn at me like that, but very few times, and never without even an argument to spark it off. I can’t seem to think about it properly, because usually he talks about protecting me, and I do, even now, feel so warm and safe when he’s holding me. I don’t understand how he could look at me, after reducing me to tears with bizarre attacks, and then made me feel even more worthless before starting to sneer even at the way I was crying – the worst thing about breaking up was seeing him so miserable, and I can’t imagine wanting to make him feel worse when I see him sad.
He’s given me reasons, and I believe them. Mainly that he can’t cope with stress and he argues constantly with his mother. I had thought he’d grow out of both of these, if I just dealt with any stupid arguments properly. But if he can take out frustration on me like that, however stressed he is, then I don’t see how he can love me the way I thought he did. I know it’d break his heart if I left him, he does love me, but I think perhaps it’s a rather selfish type of love. I don’t understand how he could be like that with me. He is childish and selfish about quite a lot of things, so maybe that is it.
But without considering those two arguments he has many more good points than bad.

The whole thing is further complicated by the few days we spent apart. He has some genuine problems with memory, but I don’t know if he ever uses that as an excuse. Towards the end of it, when I said we could start again, just slowly, he rang me up before we both went out with separate groups of friends, and asked if we still limited the amount we drank when we weren’t together. since I didn’t especially want to drink very much I said that was fine, and that I wouldn’t have more than 2 pints. I wondered if I should concede that kind of control already, but decided that it was nicer for both of us to have that reassurance, and it wasn’t unfair of him to ask, since it was a 2-way agreement. But then he went out and had two pints, a couple of double whiskeys…I don’t know exactly, but a lot more than we’d agreed on. Maybe that’s because of his memory, but it seemed rather a disappointing start to rebuilding trust. I’m pretty sure it was a mistake, since he didn’t hide it from me, and I know he desparately wants to be going out with me. It’s still confused me further though.

The other complication arising from the few days of not going out is that I sank into a stupor of sleep-deprivation, books, alcohol, cigarettes (which I’m not used to) and daydreams. I was drinking and smoking just enough to stay numb, which I know was mildly stupid, but otherwise I would’ve taken him straight back because it was so painful to be so miserable and to see him so miserable. And at the same time I was day-dreaming about the kind of relationship we had ages ago – a casual exciting thing involving cinemas and kissing and not spending every moment together. And I centered those day-dreams (quite randomly I think) on a guy whose in some of my classes, who I don’t really know at all. Which would be fine to just forget about except that now, when I’m trying to put my trust back into the old relationship I’ve started to feel half the time as if I’m in love with this other guy. If I start to panic about getting trapped in an unpleasant relationship by complete inertia and fear of jealousy and sadness, then I can’t help thinking about him, like a kind of medicine. And when I’m in those classes too, I feel as if things don’t have to be so complicated and tiring.

Since I barely know him I’m not going to give up a long-term relationship to satisfy such a stupidly explicable infatuation. My current boyfriend is the kind of person I could spend the rest of my life with, I haven’t for a moment thought of the other boy this way. He likes football and has a funny mark on his face. But he is handsome, and he laughs a lot, and I think he knows football is stupid deep down. Anyway the issue isn’t really about him, just about whether being able to feel like that about someone else is a sign that I shouldn’t be going out with my b/f at all, or whether it’s just another part of the mess we’ve got to work through together to get back to where we use to be.

Any comment, even without a definite opinion would help me so much to try to gain a more neutral perspective on this.

I really doubt anyone’s read this far.

I hope that makes sense anyway, I really can’t read through it all again a second time, must go to bed.

I think I’ve written this as if I want everyone to tell me to dump him, but if I’d written it a bit later then the stress could just as easily have been on how sincere he is, and how well we’re suited.

thanks for any responses,

One of the Crowd
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Post by evilmage » Tue Mar 25, 2003 6:53 pm

Weeel! It took ages to read that but....meh I dont mind! :wink:
Woah...you and your boyfriend seem to have loadsa issues, but dont just listen to everyone else saying you are meant to be together. Its important that YOU are happy with the relationship, ( and by the suond of it you arent) so if I were you I would concider seriously whether it was worth it.
You are still young and can find many more fellas! Review your relationship and see if the pros and cons outweigh eachother.

Have fun and good luck!
xXx evilmage xXx

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Post by Llisa » Wed Mar 26, 2003 5:21 am

Hey hun,
Listen to me doll, you definitly do NOT need to take all of that. Think about it for a minute. You are beautiful, intelligent, young, and ready to conquer the world! But you have some overgrown boyfriend who has some serious issues that he takes out on you. You're in an abusice relationship doll, and you need out. "Just a little bruise" you said. Maybe just a litlte physical bruise, but you are really gonna have a HUGE mental bruise by the time all of this is over. You say your friends and you mom doens't know about the whole situation. I think it's about time you told them. Don't deny yourslef the right to be happy and free. Get out while you still can and PLEASE! Don't have any regrest over it!
Will be praying for you.

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Post by lou82 » Wed Mar 26, 2003 9:08 pm

I have just read your problem & i was crying. The way you worded it was amazing. All those feelings youve experienced I have too.
Ive been through hell the past 3yrs ive been with my boyfriend. Ive either been up or down. Ive felt unbelievably happy with him and without him i felt like i was going mad & just wanted to die. Weve got too many problems that cant be forgotten.
Why is it someone can have that effect on you?
Im probably not the best person to give advice as ive made alot of wrong choices throughout the time ive been with him.

Some say if its love then you should fight for it as it may never find you again. Others say you should know when its time to walk away...
Me? I dont think there is any right or wrong advice, you may feel lost & empty without him but that will pass. If your just hurting eachother and are better people apart than together then maybe you should let him go.

Sometimes we only want advice if its what we WANT to hear.
I really do hope it works out for you as you seem to be hurting badly.

Louise xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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Post by sophie » Sat Mar 29, 2003 9:19 am

oh god i feel so sorry for you, it may start with a grab and a bruise but where will it end, i think you need to get out of this relationship before he ends up doing more than grabbing you.

I think he has a lot of personal issues, maybe a lot to do with the bullying he has suffered from his mother. I think he needs to sort himself out before he has any sort of relationship.

A guy has no right to lay a hand on you, dont listen to everyone else when they say you should stay together, listen to your head what is it telling you.

Dont just stay because you are used to it, maybe its time to make a fresh start, just think you dont want to look back in 5 years time and it has got a lot worse.

Hope this helps take care :D

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