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A big mess of problems, financial, moral, relationship?

PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 12:25 pm
by UKuser
I could do with some advice please, just in case there's something I haven't considered...

In a nutshell I want to split up from my boyfriend but have no idea where I would live if I moved out.
The things I need to consider are:

I could go to the council and say that I will be made homeless, I was offered a council flat before and it was beyond terrible - like something out of the candyman!
So it would be a risk, but an option

I can't afford to privately rent - my boyfriend owes my dad £2500. If we were to split up I could 100% say that he wouldn't continue to repay him - I approached my dad for the money and he relies on the monthly repayments of £250 so I would absolutely have to pay this to him myself.
Without this extra expense I would be able to afford to privately rent, but there is no way my boyfirend will be able to raise the money or borrow it from a person or a bank - his problems with money have a lot to do with why I need to leave.

I could sit tight for another 6 months or so and continue to try to get my boyfriend to change his ways, I feel as though it's a lost cause - he knows i'm unhappy and the reasons why and doesn't do anything about it, he also knows that I would find it difficult to leave because I do love him, and that I would have nowhere to go anyway.
If I hung around for a bit longer it would reduce the debt to my Dad, give me a little extra time to save and also in April I will be eligable to go back on the council list and have the chance of being offered more that one property to choose from.
I'd rather live in a council flat for now as the cheaper rent means that I could save for a deposit to buy in the future.
But the guilt of having an agenda like this is killing me, and also I find the prospect of leaving very sad anyway as there are feelings involved so I don't want to string it out any longer for both of our sakes - I have been feeling like this since the start of August and i'm miserable and my health is beginning to suffer.

I have no friends of family who are prepared to let me move in with them, the only other thing I can think of is renting a room from somebody in the paper - but I really don't lke the idea of living with strangers.

I know beggers can't be choosers and accept that if it came to it I would have to live somewhere I was unhappy with, but over the last four years I have been recovering from a previous relationship. I lost everything and the house we had bought 6 months earlier was in negative equity and my ex couldn't afford to repay the loans I had stupidly taken out for him in my name. I worked two jobs for years until the debts were cleared, stayed with my firends family for 3 years living out of a suitcase as there was no room there for my things and am at the final stages of studying for a degree in my spare time to better myself so that I have actually achieved something in the years lost to working off that debt.
It was really tough and I have exhausted myself achieving it, and i'm desperate not to find myself in a situation again where I get into debt or have to live with people I don't want to. It was such a releif to move in with him and have my own space again - I just cant face going through it all again.

In all honesty I don't really know what i'm asking here, I seem to have covered all the bases and my lack of willing to compromise seems to rule everything out!
I think I just need to get it off my chest really, and perhaps hear from people who have been in similar situations and how they coped?
If I could turn my feelings off the best thing for me would be to stay for a while longer and get everything in place, but I don't know if I have it in me - and I have to think of him too, ideally he would turn himself around and everything would be ok, but I feel like I would be using him as in my heart of hearts know he wont - and even if he does what has happened in the past has ruined things anyway.

Sorry for the enormous amount of writing here, i'm not too good at summarising!

Re: A big mess of problems, financial, moral, relationship?

PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:28 am
by snail
Well first of all, congratulations on what you achieved before, working two jobs, staying with friends, studying for your degree etc. That must have taken repeated courage and strength. At least you know you have these qualities, so whatever happens this time you know you'll eventually pull through OK.

As to whether you stay another 6 months or go now, only you can really know what you have to do. I would think that staying longer is the best option if you can stand it - if you feel sure your boyfriend won't repay your father, then the boyfriend is pretty much forcing you to stay longer by his own irresponsibility, so I wouldn't feel guilty about it. It must be more right that he repays your father than you do - it isn't fair for you to take on this debt.

But if you just can't do this and you need to go now, shared accomodation isn't necessarily that bad. Sometimes having the company can be really helpful compared to living on your own if you've just come out of a relationship. I wouldn't stay in someone's spare room - try and find a flat share with someone you like.

Re: A big mess of problems, financial, moral, relationship?

PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:41 am
by Bel Bel
I think you have thought of all options.
If you go for a house share you could actually make some new friends if you pick a house with people your age.
How come you can't move in with your Dad? If he expects you to pay your b/f debt then surely he could accomodate you living there for a few motnhs until the debt is paid
Do you have proof of the debt. If you do get your Dad to take your b/f to small claims court.
Did you ask your Dad to lend your b/f the money? If not it's your Dad's responsibility to sort it with your b/f not yours. You can' tbe held responsible unless you were involved or agreed from the start yu would guarentee the debt. Your Dad must have considered what would happen if you split up?
It's not about having an agenda it's doing what's right for you. You say your b/f knows he makes you unhappy and does nothing so you don't owe him the loyalty to be worrying about him. Your helath is also suffering so you must look after you.
I assume there isn't a option for your b/f to move out?

Re: A big mess of problems, financial, moral, relationship?

PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2011 11:06 am
by UKuser
Many thanks for your kind words, even writing my issues down like that seems to have lifted a massive weight.

Unfortunately Bel Bel it's worst case scenario for all your points, my Dad wont let me move in, it was me who approached him for the moeny and also it's my boyfriends flat - doh! ](*,)
I feel a bit unhappy about the Dad situation as think that really most parents would help out thier kids like this, but he went through a lot of stress when he divorced my mum a few years ago and I can appreciate the reasons for his decision.

Think i'm just gonna have to wait this one out, it was nice to receive some reassurance. From time to time this thing seems to get on top of me for a few days, it will be nice to finally get it resolved but I suppose things could be much worse. At least I have no debts to consider and my home life with my boyfriend is ok
What a shame i've managed to make things so complicated!