How much sympathy does one need?

Got a problem with your workplace or one of your colleagues? Thrash it out here.
Forum rules
NEW USERS HAVE TO WAIT FOR THEIR FIRST POSTS TO BE APPROVED BY AN ADMINISTRATOR. Rules | Essential Information | FAQ | Support | Twitter

How much sympathy does one need?

Postby TheSaneOne » Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:01 pm

There is a girl at work. Her boyfriend of 2 years in his late 50's died in November last year. She still hasn't gotten over it. She is off sick all the time and is generally a pain in the wass.

Am I being heartless? I reckon she should have gotten over it by now. Her being off etc creates more work for me but also creates a really negative and thick working environment. The boss is too yellow to sack her and is also, I believe, worried if he sacks her she will have a breakdown. This chick was unreliable before all this happened and is worse now: constantly teary and pleading for sympathy.

I just need some opinions on what you do with someone like this. I am beginning to hate her.
User avatar
TheSaneOne
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:06 pm

Postby snail » Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:21 pm

In answer to your question I'd say, yes, you are being pretty heartless.

You say it's been just over a year since her boyfriend died? (Because I assume you don't mean November 2007, as that's only 2 months ago?). That's not long enough to get over it: it's usually considered to take 3 years to get over the death of a partner. In fact, depending on the circumstances of the death she may never get over it without help/counselling.

Good on your boss for not sacking her, assuming he wasn't unhappy with her work before this happened. You're probably right, she could have a breakdown if she loses her job as well.

I understand her behaviour is making things hard for you at work - it's always annoying when someone can't or won't pull their weight - but I think it's your boss you should be annoyed with, if anyone. Speak to him specifically about the problems you are experiencing: he needs to do something to raise morale and to manage her workload. Could she go part-time, and you could get someone else in to cover the rest of the time and also to be on call in case she's sick? Perhaps your boss could give you a raise in recognition of your efforts, or some paid overtime to cover some of her work? Could he arrange some counselling for her, or urge her to see her doctor for support?

Try to be as patient with her as you can. When you have a terrible tragedy in your own life and need some sympathy, you'll be glad you did.
User avatar
snail
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 4335
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2007 8:59 pm
Location: Your guess is as good as mine.
Gender: Female

Postby TheSaneOne » Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:57 pm

I mean Nov 2007. Also, there was never any talk of marriage and they didn't live together. She only saw him twice a week. I am heartless, I know, but I have to get this bitterness off my chest.
User avatar
TheSaneOne
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:06 pm

Postby misskrystal » Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:08 pm

She's entitled to time off if she's still grieving. That's what personal days are for. If something terrible happened to you, I'm sure you'd like your colleagues to be understanding. The fact that you don't believe her relationship was serious really has nothing to do with the situation at all.

Your colleague is suffering after a tragedy and you should be doing everything you can to ease her pain at this difficult time.
Image
User avatar
misskrystal
Familiar Face
Familiar Face
 
Posts: 365
Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 7:24 pm
Location: Leeds UK

Postby TheSaneOne » Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:24 pm

I just think she should get over it. The only reason we know about it is becuase she told us. Personally, I would keep something like that to myself.
User avatar
TheSaneOne
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:06 pm

Postby all_apologies » Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:35 pm

I agree totally with what snail has written. Do you realise how monumental the death of a partner is, particularly when so young? He died two months ago! Put yourself in her position, you'd think your world had fallen apart.

By all means, be annoyed that you're understaffed and maybe mention to your boss that you think you need some temporary cover or something? Don't take it out personally on her; I'll say in all honesty that it's totally heartless to expect her to be 'over it' by now. Hopefully she'll get back to work soon and maybe getting into her usual routine again will help her on her way forward. Just be respectful of how awful she must feel, and look for a more productive way to vent your frustrations (i.e. to your boss rather than by judging her).
User avatar
all_apologies
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 3539
Joined: Thu Dec 16, 2004 1:30 pm
Gender: Female

Postby Pwif » Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:47 pm

I'm wondering if you've made your post a bit lighthearted; because if not, I can only see a person posting who has a lot to learn about human vulnerability/trauma (something you may well have to go through at some stage in your life - and it isn't nice, I can tell you).

Have you ever lost someone close to you? Do you really understand what it means to lose someone close to you?

My closest friend and colleague almost lost her husband (quadraplegic) - a whisper away from death; I had to work almost 20 hours a day, and it was very very tough, but I felt that I had no choice. I put myself in her shoes (as best as I could), and I told myself I was so grateful that her situation hadn't happened to me. Please do the same. Be grateful that your colleague's situation hasn't happened to you.
Live life to the full
User avatar
Pwif
Permanent Fixture
Permanent Fixture
 
Posts: 1966
Joined: Thu Aug 25, 2005 5:56 am
Location: Bucks

Postby TheSaneOne » Tue Jan 29, 2008 11:05 pm

Everyone is sick and tired of this woman's behaviour. I am not a lone voice. I am just writing here to get another perspective.
User avatar
TheSaneOne
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:06 pm

Postby all_apologies » Tue Jan 29, 2008 11:53 pm

...which is what you're getting. If you're determined to stay in that frame of mind then nothing anyone can say on here is going to make you feel any better, because I'd be willing to bet that everyone will be unanimous in their opinion.

If lots of your colleagues have issues with this woman, it sounds as though they stem from something other than her recent loss. Whatever those issues are, remember that they are unrelated to her partner's death. Criticising her grieving is not fair. Why not just take a step back and think that however much you normally dislike her and/or her contribution to your workplace, she's got a hell of a lot to deal with in her life right now. Work is probably the last thing on her mind. Okay, that's unfortunate for you guys, but I think if you show a bit of compassion and get on with it you'll work more productively. If there's one thing I think people should be forgiving of in this kind of situation, it's bereavement. Especially of such a close relation.

You need to talk to your boss about your workload without laying blame on her. He can sort something out, and that way you don't have to resent her for not being around.
User avatar
all_apologies
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 3539
Joined: Thu Dec 16, 2004 1:30 pm
Gender: Female

Postby peecee » Wed Jan 30, 2008 12:33 am

Hey, hun. As an employer, mainly of women, I never treat bereavement lightly; the person gets treated gently for as long as it takes, and I mean a heck of a lot longer than two months.

So; first of all, your boss should take care of your colleague.

Secondly, your boss should make sure that your colleague's work is covered, that should be automatic. You and your other colleagues really should talk to your boss if that's not being sorted, there's absolutely no point b1tching to each other, it doesn't get you anywhere.

You didn't like your colleague before this happened, and that's influencing your posts in this thread. You've mentioned your other colleagues in passing, but why don't you tell us the whole history of your colleague before her bereavement? I don't believe you're as unsympathetic as you make out, there's more to it. What is it, sweet pea?

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Shine your light and let the whole world see.
User avatar
peecee
Site Admin
Site Admin
 
Posts: 5640
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2004 1:24 am
Location: hard to say
Gender: Female

Postby morris mouse » Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:49 am

Pwif wrote: I can only see a person posting who has a lot to learn about human vulnerability/trauma


I agree with "Pwif"

Although,"TheSaneOne", your posts do,indeed come across as someone
who is very bitter (and this is something that you'll really need to sort out.......

......I wonder,as "Peecee" has suggested,that we're not seeing the
REAL you??

Could I suggest,misplaced anger in your life???

Would you like to share this with us???
ImageImage
User avatar
morris mouse
Part of the Furniture
Part of the Furniture
 
Posts: 833
Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2005 2:35 am
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male

Postby HappyGoLucky » Wed Jan 30, 2008 3:33 am

Have you lost somebody before? Someone you cared about? I think the boss is right not to sack her. It would make her have a huge breakdown - no boyfriend and no job. Speak to your boss and maybe the workload will be divided between more people to manage and lessen your workload a bit. Snail's idea of arranging her for counselling is quite a good idea.

Death is always hard to deal with and 2-3 months is much too short. It may take years for someone to recover. It's easy to say: Get Over It! but it is NOT easy to get over the death of somebody you love or cared for. You are getting other people's perspective and it seems like everyone has told you to be patient with her.

If you choose to stick to your opinion, it's up to you but I personally think you should at least have more sympathy for her. And yes, you are being rather heartless. Put yourself in her shoes and think of how you would feel.
Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get!
HappyGoLucky
Part of the Furniture
Part of the Furniture
 
Posts: 816
Joined: Thu Oct 11, 2007 2:53 pm
Location: On planet Earth.
Gender: Female

Postby TheSaneOne » Wed Jan 30, 2008 10:49 am

I suppose I just expect people to get on with things and tough their way through it. Thanks for your perspectives though. My friend had a good laugh and enjoyed calling me a heartless person :-)
User avatar
TheSaneOne
Regular Visitor
Regular Visitor
 
Posts: 20
Joined: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:06 pm

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 30, 2008 11:59 am

I think the problem is you already resented her before his and your boss didn't do anything about it then so he really can't now becasue this is totally inapproproate and the wrong time
Everyone is different in how they handle grief and if she is that type of person anyway it will have worsened this trait in her
She probably feels the bad vibe off people and this won't help her, I am sure she needs grief conselling to help her but it isn't your place to tell her this
Also just because they choose not to marry and live together doesn't make their reltionship any less importnat than someone who ha choosen to marry
Aim your anger in the right direction and tell the boss you need help don't take it out on this woman who is in a grief stricken way, one day you will find out the harsh realites of losing someone
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

Cheap Pandora Charms UK

User avatar
Bel Bel
Fully Fledged Flatmate
Fully Fledged Flatmate
 
Posts: 6758
Joined: Thu May 10, 2007 1:58 pm
Location: Hertfordshire
Gender: Female

Postby sarahjane699 » Thu Jan 31, 2008 9:15 pm

I understand what everyone is saying that you cant comment on her loss if you havent experienced it yourself. I dont think you have given a full picture why everyone is getting fed up with her. some people get more emotionally attached than others to people and that might be why she has been finding it harder to deal with. I agree with peecee that maybe you and your colleages should voice a concern if your not happy with the work load your left with due to her absense. Although I do know people that have lost someone close to them and have moved on with their life within a week as they know it wont do them any good sitting around crying about it. Maybe someone should arrange a home visit to see how she is coping xx
sarahjane699
Just Landed
Just Landed
 
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:06 pm

Next

Return to Work & Colleagues

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest