I've really fallen for him...I really shouldn't have :( HELP

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I've really fallen for him...I really shouldn't have :( HELP

Postby x.hunny.x » Thu Apr 24, 2008 1:44 pm

Ok, a bit about my situation.....Two months ago I came out of a 3 years relationship with a woman (I am also female by the way)

Basically, there is this guy that I work with that I have really fallen for, I shouldn't have because he has a long term girlfriend.

It all started last year sometime, whenever we were in the kitchen together we'd always end up chatting, only really about general things (my car, the weather, holidays, work etc). One day I had to e-mail him because of something work related and he replied and said thank you, I just wrote back asking how he was etc, we started chatting a bit and I said that we should be careful as other people could read the e-mails on our work e-mail addresses, he suggested we used hotmail instead.

So, since Nov last year on the days when he is in the office we e-mail several times a day. A few weeks ago he started to get really flirty with me and even told me to text him on his work mobile if I wanted to get hold of him. he also ended up giving me his personal mobile number but I had to be careful obviously because of the girlfriend.

Anyway to cut a long story a bit shorter, a couple of weeks ago he asked me to 'get lost on my way home from work' so I met up with him down a quiet lane, the minute he got into my car he started kissing me. I felt a little uncomfortable because it was 5.30 in the afternoon and still daylight. So I sort of pulled away and we just had a chat.

He admitted that he does fancy me and that if it wasn't for his girlfriend that he would have asked me out a long time ago.

Up until that day, yes I did like him but nothing too major.

He's been acting a bit cooler with me since that day, he obviously scared himself because he got that one step closer to being unfaithful. He still talks to me fine around the office etc and he does e-mail occasionally but he doesnt text anymore :(

BUT, now I have areally fallen for him.....BIG TIME.

As in, when I know he's going to be in work I make extra effort with my hair, clothes and makeup etc. I think about him all of the time and when he smiles or winks at me or talks to me to I feel like I'm going to collapse.

I dont know what to do now :(

I wish I had a switch that I could flip and I could make his girlfriend disappear or I could make myself stop liking him, but neither of those are possible.

Any advice would be greatly received :)

Thank you.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Good luck & take care.
xXxxXx
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Postby m_m » Thu Apr 24, 2008 2:58 pm

I know its probably not what you want to hear but I would try to move on as quickly as possible. If it has come this far (e.g you and him kissing behind his girlfriend's back) without him breaking up with his girlfriend I think it is pretty safe to say he is not going to. Similarly alot of women who have affairs with married men end up breaking it off because they come to the realisation that their lovers will never leave their wives. I wouldn't get yourself in any deeper as it probably isn't a good idea to start a relationship with a single man at work, let alone a man in a long-term relationship. Find somebody who can committ themselves to you completely rather than you just being "a bit on the side". Sorry if I sound harsh but in the long-term it will be better for you to get out as fast as possible and will cause the minimal amount of damage to all parties involved. Remember his girlfriend whenever you see him, think about how you would feel it if were you and you found out your boyfriend had been cheating and that will hopefully put you off.

Good luck x x x x
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Postby x.hunny.x » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:06 pm

I'm not saying I would be his bit on the side. I dont think I'd let it come to that as I couldnt cope with just being his bit on the side. I like him this much now without much happening imagine what I would be like if we started seeing eachother. I have to think of myself and not let myself get hurt but at the same time I really like him and seem to be falling for him more and more and he's not even doing anything to make me fall for him. :cry:
Hope to hear from you soon.
Good luck & take care.
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Postby m_m » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:07 pm

Exactly, you have to think of yourself and stop yourself getting hurt! Not to mention his girlfriend. Why would you want somebody who is likely to cheat on you if you did get together anyway? Think of all the bad things about him like the fact he has willingly cheated on his girlfriend and even initiated it by inviting you to "get lost on the way home from work" and any annoying or disgusting habits he may have :) ! Distance yourself from him as much as possible. Like I said sorry if I sound harsh but it will hopefully stop you getting hurt as much as if it continued! :grouphug: x x x x
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Postby x.hunny.x » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:20 pm

I know that is all true and exactly what I should do but its easier said than done. If all that was easy then I'd be laughing. Emotions and feelings suck :( Thanks for your advice though :)
Hope to hear from you soon.
Good luck & take care.
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Postby m_m » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:28 pm

It is definitely easier said than done and emotions and feelings do suck, lol. However there must be a part of you which knew it wouldn't work out and stopped you before you got in too deep. It may seem difficult now but at least you are feeling at lot less hurt than you would have it if had continued. Just think how much happier you will be when you find someone who you care this much and who is single! :)

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Postby x.hunny.x » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:33 pm

Or I can keep dreaming and hope he finishes with his gf lol. Na I need sometime being single, to get back to being me again after my long term relationship. I'll try my best to just accept being his friend but at the moment its really not going that way. I'm just falling more and more xx
Hope to hear from you soon.
Good luck & take care.
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Postby m_m » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:41 pm

That sounds like a good idea to me, being single and learning not to rely on someone else for your happiness, finding yourself again. After all you have just come out of a 3 year relationship. Maybe that is why you are falling for him so quickly? Perhaps it is not such a good idea to be friends considering that you both want more. You need to be the one to back away and like I said before distance yourself as much as possible x x x x
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Postby x.hunny.x » Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:46 pm

I cant distance myself though, thats the thing. Theres not a lot to distance from though to be honest. I only really see him round the office for things I have to see him for and he e-mails a couple of times but its only how are you etc nothing flirty anymore :( lol I have liked him since last year, not sure exactly when but its been a while. I've just fallen for him more recently. :cry:
Hope to hear from you soon.
Good luck & take care.
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Postby spacegirl » Fri Apr 25, 2008 10:42 am

I had exactly the same problem as you that i'd posted on this site, i'm mad about a guy i work with, and he said similar things to me about wishing he didnt have a girlfriend, and being relly attracted to me, and just generally leading me on... i know it's hard to hear that you have to distance yourself from him but that's exactly what i was advised to do, and what i had to do and it helped me realise that this guy is never going to leave him longterm girlfriend, and as much as i like him and as close as we are as friends, he was just leading me on, whether he meant to or not. i think you're right about this guy, that he's cooled off because he's realised he might be unfaithful, but he's done the right thing. it does suck... but hopefully this is just a reaction to you being newly single and your feelngs will fade. why do we never set our sights on single, available people lol?
not if you were the last dandy on earth
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:07 am

You know this guy is NEVER going to leave his girlfriend for you. Get out of it quick before you end up getting more hurt than you already are. It'll be hard to distance yourself but maybe you could try to stop sending too many casual emails and try to avoid talking to him about anything else unless you really need to. It's not easy but maybe you'll find someone else (who is single, hopefully!) that would really love you.
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Postby x.hunny.x » Fri Apr 25, 2008 4:34 pm

It's all to easy to say for me to distance myself. Yes in an ideal world I would be able to do that, but unfortunately this isn't an ideal world and its a lot easier said than done. I hardly talk to him anymore as it is and I'm still not feeling any less for him. He came and sat next to me at lunch today :) (on a fri all the consultants from my work go to the pub for lunch and I went with them today hehe)
Hope to hear from you soon.
Good luck & take care.
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Postby miaow » Fri Apr 25, 2008 6:30 pm

hi - i agree with above opinions. Really there are 3 outcomes:

1) you distance yourself (yes its hard but its happened to all of us) and get over this bloke / or wait until he is single

2) keep pining over him but end up getting hurt as nothing will happen

3) you be his bit on the side

I know its easy to say distance yourself and expect you to think its easy - but we dont think its easy for you, we are just giving our opinions as to what we think will be the best for you - and ultimately this is to distance yourself now as if you get involved the hurt your feeling maybe 4x what your feeling now by distancing yourself - if that makes sense!! End of day choice is yours...

hope it all works out for you hun

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