I think Im in love with him...but just cant be!

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I think Im in love with him...but just cant be!

Postby Cass » Tue May 20, 2008 4:27 pm

Hi guys

Im new to this site so please be gentle with me!! I'll try and cut a long story short.

Ive been married since July last year and with my now husband for eight years before that. At first it was fantastic (honeymoon period no doubt!) but over the years it just seems to have gone a bit stale and since the wedding he doesnt really seem to care about me at all. He spends his evenings playing computer games whilst i am watching tv or cleaning and if i even suggested i went out with my friends there would be uproar!

So.....I started a new job in January. Its a lovely job in a lovely place and I have a nice boss which is a first for me as most of them have been real so and sos!!! but there is one guy there who is my age and sits in my office. We have always had a bit of banter back and forth on MSn and by text but nothing too heavy. He texts me at night about general rubbish and we basically just text chat. The problem is i think im falling in love with him. I know this sounds really sappy but I just dont know what to do. I have told him today that i have feelings for him but not gone into detail (he is in a relationship with someone else at work!!).

I do still love my husband but am not sure if i am "in love" with him. Please dont judge me and be harsh....I am not in a situation that i want to be in believe me!!

Any advice/support/assistance would be much appreciated!

Thanks. Cass #-o . xxxxxxx
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Postby m_m » Tue May 20, 2008 5:08 pm

Hey Cass,

First of all... Welcome :D !

I have had alot of experience with the type of people who appear on the outside "not to care", in fact my current boyfriend is one of those people and is also a computer game addict! From what I have been told by my boyfriend and found out for myself as well is that men often are like this and want to be alone for a while once they come in from work and enjoy mindless things like computer games to relax before they want to have a conversation or do something together. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you. It is also possible your husband is similar to me in the sense that as long as he knows that you are around he doesn't mind that you are both doing your own thing. I also think the fact that you think your husband would kick up a fuss if you wanted to go out with friends shows that he cares because he obviously wants you around.

As for your colleague do you think that maybe you think you are falling in love with him because you would like some excitement and to shake up your normal routine? If so then I think you should sit down and have a chat with your husband and explain that you have been feeling neglected recently and would like to do something out of the norm e.g. go out for a meal, go dancing or something bigger like a romantic holiday. I myself tend to get bored of routine easily and need something every once in a while to keep me going. Otherwise I would sit down and seriously consider your marriage. Do you really want to jeapordise your husband and the life you have together for a quick fling? 9 years is a long time!

I hope this helps x x x x
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Postby Bel Bel » Wed May 21, 2008 11:46 am

Manufacture me makes some good points but also can you say your husband has changed since you got married or have your expectations been shattered as you had an idea how married life was and it turns out it is just the same as it was before?

If your husband has changed then you need to sit down with him and explain your not happy because you married him for what you had and now he has switched on you and this isn't what you signed up for

If he hasn't changed then you still need to sit him down and tell him your new needs. Ask him what his needs are too and then you will have to negiotiate a way forward

If you can't do it yourselves then perhaps a visit to relate

If you can't get his attention write it all in a letter and let him know that if things stay as they are you can't see the marriage lasting as you're not happy

A big kick up the bum should start the wheels of change

You think this other guy is great because he is a break from reality but be honest you have no idea what living with him would be like or how you would get on and you're just hanging on the good bits he gives you and fantasizing about what could be
Last edited by Bel Bel on Fri May 23, 2008 9:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby lilessexgal » Wed May 21, 2008 4:01 pm

i would sit down one night and have chat with your husband. after all isnt that what you are suppose to do in a relationship?

i agree with manufacture me. i think maybe your feelings towards this other guy may be because you are not being treated aswel at home.

i would tell your husband how you feel....maybe he doesnt realise what he is doing. get him to talk about how he feels.
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Postby retrochav » Wed May 21, 2008 11:23 pm

The general advice here makes perfect sense. Keep in mind that when we fancy someone we always show our best sides (as i am sure you and your husband once did with each other). The guy at work could be just as borring.

Talking with your husband makes sense, but keep it calm and relaxed. If you talk in terms of "we need to work at our marriage...what can we do because i feel we are drifting..." will likely get a better response than blamming him with "you dont do this....I need you to be more like that".

Dont rush into an affair too soon, remeber that it could cause problems at work as well as at home. Its usually best to take time out alone if your marriage were to fail, as an affair can leave you with two breaks in your heart.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Postby ricardotorero » Thu May 22, 2008 4:18 pm

Hi
Seriously do not have an affair. You will regret it. My partner felt in a similar situation to you, had a brief affair and I am now on the verge of leaving. She is distraught at the consequences of her actions, and I am sure you will be if you go ahead.
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Postby kitten » Sat May 24, 2008 6:07 pm

Hi Cass,

I can really sympathise with you. I've been there and actually had a bit of a fling as I wasn't happy and the attention I was getting from the work colleague was all I needed to tip me over the edge.

Now much later I'm still with my husband we are very happy and expecting our first child, but I'm lucky it turned out this way. My husband was very understanding we went for marriage counselling and worked out our issues.

Before you do anything look at your marriage and talk things over with your husband its very easy to relax into marriage and not make so much effort once you have a ring on your finger. It may be he doesn't realise how you feel. Try to set aside some time each week for each other and see how that goes first.

You loved each other enough to get married in the first place so hopefully that is still there.

Hope that makes sense and feel free to ask me anything else x
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Postby Cass » Mon Jun 02, 2008 8:37 am

Hi All. Thanks very much for your replies. I am truly greatful that none of you have judged me as being a bad person for feeling the way that I do. I have now had a week off work and think I have come to realise that the feelings I have for the other person are probably nothing actually to do with him but more the fact that I am unsettled at home. Also the fact that we have discussed my feelings for him (the person at work) and he is now not speaking to me at all. I think this signifies that it was ok for him until it got too serious....so no matter what the outcome he is definitely not the sort of person I want to be with! I am due to go to the doctors this week and am going to ask for counselling for myself first. I think I have deeper issues that I need to deal with on my own before I can like myself enough to sort other things out with my husband etc. Thanks all once again. Cass. xxx
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Postby Cass » Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:42 am

Hi guys....IM back again and just wanted to post an update for anyone who may be in the same situation as me.

Having come back to work after my week off i have come in to an office where practically no-one is speaking to me as the guy in question decided to tell his girlfriend i had basically been stalking him and that it was all one sided. I presume that he wanted to get in there before someone else did or before i did and made him look bad! A culmination of things have happened this week and i cant actually believe that i even considered that i felt anything for him at all!! Its absolutely ridiculous! He is so very immature and you were all right in your replies that it definitely wasnt meant to be. Im glad i have saved the messages that he sent me as if anyone does say it was all me at least I have something to show them!! My next dilemma tho is do i explain to his girlfriend what actually happened. I was worried about making things worse but as no-one is speaking to me and everyone thinks im some crazy stalker witch anyway i dont think things can get much worse!!
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Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jun 04, 2008 1:44 pm

By everyone I assume you mean your colleagues
Well you have two options as I see it

1) Go to him and say you have evidence that it wasn't one sided, don't give him too much detail as he will twist that to his advantage. Tell him he better put people at work straight as you don't wish to work in a bad atmosphere. He lied he can put it right

or

2)you could show a couple of known gossips in the company and let them spread the word.

I would be inclined to do no 1 as he will realise ot to spread any more lies about you. If he doesn't do it action no 2

you could go to the girlfriend but i don't think that will put all your work colleagues right and may just make him tell more lies about you
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