Don't know what I have done wrong..

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Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby JennaXXX » Sun Feb 15, 2009 12:07 am

I work in a creche and a lot of my collegues bring their kids in.
I have really bonded with one of these collegues in particular.Her kids and I get on really well and she has encouraged my bond with them since the very start.
Over the past few months,I have really enjoyed the friendship that I share with the family.
My collegue has been through a lot the past few months.She lost her mum a month ago on Christmas Eve,her youngest had to go into hospital with breathing difficulties and she has been ill herself as well as experiencing a few problems at work.
I bought her a card and a little angel to show her that I was thinking of her and it went down well.
However,this past week I have seen a real change in her behaviour and attitude towards me.She almost seems bored in my company.
The other day,she sat outside creche and didnt come in to collect her son.Instead she sat outside chatting with other collegues and didn't move for over half an hour.She looked at me irritably when I asked her a question and she could barely look at me.She didnt even come in to collect his stuff or acknowledge the fact that creche was over.
She also ignored me the other day and continued to chat to the same group of collegues. :-?
I was so hurt by her behaviour.She was acting like I was totally invisble and that I was something she had just stepped in.
The tension between us is pretty bad now.She seems to really dislike me now and have a problem with me and I am angry and hurt at the way she has treated me.
This is all so unfamilar as I am used to her treating me like I am worth the world.Treating me with so much warmth and care.Now she seems to have gone the opposite way and I dont understand what I may have done wrong.

I feel like quitting my job even though I really enjoy it. :cry: She has just shattered any confidence that I had left.I thought she liked me and that we were friends but I guess I was wrong. :-? I know she is going through a lot but surely I dont deserve to be treated like this?
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby Liquidius » Sun Feb 15, 2009 10:05 am

My collegue has been through a lot the past few months.She lost her mum a month ago on Christmas Eve,her youngest had to go into hospital with breathing difficulties and she has been ill herself as well as experiencing a few problems at work.
I bought her a card and a little angel to show her that I was thinking of her and it went down well.


Whilst I don't think you deserve to be treated badly at all (you seem to have been a great friend!), she has been through an awful lot recently regarding people who are close to her. It could just be that she doesn't feel capable of being close to anyone at the moment because she's scared of losing them, or seeing them hurt too. She could be pushing you away, because she realises how close you two are.

Have you tried taking her aside, and asking if she's ok, or if you've done anything to upset her? Although I'm sure she's aware she's pushing you away, you need to tell her that it isn't acceptable to treat you in this way, because it's making you feel uncomfortable at work. If you've done something to upset her, or if she's heard some stupid rumour regarding you, you'd rather know what it is, then carry on like this.

If you're not feeling up to confronting her about it, then you could perhaps ask one of the other colleagues what's going on?
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby JennaXXX » Sun Feb 15, 2009 11:40 am

I did wonder if she is scared of getting close to others as she has lost and come close to losing people who are very important to her.I,myself have had problems at work and have told her previously that I had had such a bad day that I nearly walked out.Maybe she is concerned I will do that,as her other close collegue was made redundent just the other week.
I am fully aware of what she is going through but am getting so hurt by it all. :(
She is treating me like I don't mean a thing.She gave me such a horrible look the other day that I just can't get it out of my head.. I don't think it's helping that I am being very quiet with her as I am scared of getting hurt even more.I feel like she doesn't care about me so I am also backing off to protect myself. :-?
In many ways,I wonder if I am just being paranoid.. :-? I don't want to cause her more problems and create even more tension by asking her what is wrong.At the same time,I can't carry on like this.
She has many friends and family members so I don't understand why she would be worried about losing me or feeling like she has to protect herself from me.She is the type of person that can't walk down the corridors at work as she has people stopping her to chat.
She probably likes me but I find it hard to believe she is placing so much significance and feeling into me.

I think I will see how it goes,it's really difficult because if this is the case then I don't want to back off from her.I want to show her that I am here and willing to support her.I want her to know I'm not going anywhere.
On the other hand,if she has just decided that I'm not worth it and that I am boring/annoying,then I don't see why I should have to continue to put up with this..difficult situation really. :-?

Thankyou for your reply. X
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Postby morris mouse » Sun Feb 15, 2009 6:29 pm

JennaXXX wrote:She has many friends and family members so I don't understand why she would be worried about losing me or feeling like she has to protect herself from me.
She probably likes me but I find it hard to believe she is placing so much significance and feeling into me.


"JennaXXX" please watch & take care of yourself. These thoughts of yours (which I've quoted above) are leading you
into a real depression,& all over just one person. :(

I know she has/is going through a lot,but is she really worth it (by putting your health at risk,just for her)???
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby JennaXXX » Sun Feb 15, 2009 7:20 pm

I'm just trying to make sense of it all.
I value her an awful lot as a friend and hate the thought that this could be it now. :-?
It's all shattering my confidence but I'm not sure how to handle it,hence me writing a thread about it.
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby Liquidius » Sun Feb 15, 2009 9:02 pm

You've been really sensible writing a thread about it, especially when you're not sure what to do.

From posts I've read from you in the past, it seems you struggle with confidence quite a bit, but please don't let this incident effect all the hard work you've put in.

Look at it this way; she isn't going to suddenly decide that you're boring. She wouldn't have bothered being friends with you in the first place. I think she's just having a tough time, may have had a bad week, and taken it out on the some of the people closest to her. As you two get on well at work, that'd put you in the firing line! Either that, or someone has said something about you to her that isn't true. That is why I thought it'd be a good idea to talk to her to make sure that that hasn't happened :)

If you're not feeling up to confronting her, then perhaps leave it a while and see if her behaviour improves. If not, then you really ought to take her aside and have a chat. This really isn't worth quitting your job over though. It's just a misunderstanding that needs sorting out :)
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby JennaXXX » Sun Feb 15, 2009 9:31 pm

I'm trying not to let it affect my work but it is hard.It has really upset me as I didn't think she could ever be like this. :-?
I think she is only friendly to me because her sons like me not because she actually likes me.I just don't know and I could tie myself up in knots over it all but that would be stupid as I don't know what's going on.
I think I will see how it goes.If things continue to stay as they are then I will have to ask her what is going on.I might not like the answer but it's better then being kept in the dark.And if I haven't done anything then hopefully it will mean she will look at how she has been treating me.
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:10 am

I think the best advice would be to take her to one side and ask her if you have done anything to upset her.

An alternative could be to write her a letter saying you are sorry if you have done anything to upset her, and that you didn't mean to but you'd appreciate that if you did do something she'd let you know so you can at least apologise properly.

You could either give her the letter or ask her little boy to give her the letter (i.e. when he is on his way out to meet her so he doesn't loose it).
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:11 pm

I would definately have a chat

Her son could have said something happendd that she has misunderstood or as liquidus said she could just be coping badly

Rather than tie yourself up in knots either way you will at least know where you stand and won't have to feel like your walking on egg shells
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby JennaXXX » Mon Feb 16, 2009 5:21 pm

Thanks for all the support guys.
Today,she and the boys were meant to be in but they didn't turn up. :-? It gave me further proof that she can't stand the sight of me at the moment.
Her youngest is only just 2 and barely speaking so it can't be that she has minsunderstood something he has said to her about me.The letter sounds a good idea..I'm not sure I would give it to her little boy to give to her as she is nearly always sat with collegues and I don't want them to know what is going on between us.However,I like the idea of a letter.
I am just so worried she will fly off the handle at me..but I know I have to talk to her eventually or risk losing them all forever.
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Postby morris mouse » Mon Feb 16, 2009 6:39 pm

JennaXXX wrote: Today,she and the boys were meant to be in but they didn't turn up. :-? It gave me further proof that she can't stand the sight of me at the moment.


"JennaXXX" what I've said in my quote above (which you posted) is the way I could see this "friendship" moving
towards (& now it's eventually happened!!)

Give your friend some space (which is the most important thing to do) and then take it from
there. Wait until your friend comes back to you.
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby Liquidius » Mon Feb 16, 2009 7:26 pm

Today,she and the boys were meant to be in but they didn't turn up. It gave me further proof that she can't stand the sight of me at the moment.


I disagree with Morris Mouse (sorry!) this time. I don't think this gives you any proof that she can't stand the sight of you. There could have been many different reasons why she didn't turn up! There could have been an emergency.

I strongly suggest, as others have that you have a chat with her, or write a letter to her as dipsy suggested. I think you're just going to work yourself up assuming the worst, and bringing yourself down if you don't find out exactly what's going on. I know it's scary to confront people sometimes, but it's only scary for a moment - and it can put your mind at rest afterward.
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby JennaXXX » Mon Feb 16, 2009 8:25 pm

Well,I texted her and said that I had missed her little boy today and I hoped everything was ok.
She sent a short one back just saying *bringing them both tomorrow.*
I still feel she is angry about something but am planning on asking tomorrow if everything is alright.
It will be interesting to see how she is around me tomorrow.I think I will be angrier if she pretends everything is ok because I can't forget what happened last week. :-? Best case scenario would be if she gave me some kind of explanation as to why she behaved the way she did but I dont think she will.
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Feb 17, 2009 10:58 am

JennaXXX wrote:Well,I texted her and said that I had missed her little boy today and I hoped everything was ok.
She sent a short one back just saying *bringing them both tomorrow.


She replied - if she truly didn't care she wouldn't have texted back. Also she may just have been having a bad time with herself; I know if I am upset or having a hard time I don't want friends around me fussing as to what may be wrong - maybe she alienated you because she was upset and didn't want to risk telling you because it may have been hard for her. I'm not saying you fuss around her; it's my feelings in those situations.
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Re: Don't know what I have done wrong..

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:09 pm

well good luck and let us know how it goes
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