Depressed....

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Depressed....

Postby everloney » Wed Apr 14, 2010 6:36 pm

I wasn't sure where to put this, but I'm mainly depressed about work, so here seemed the best place, feel free to move it.

Two weeks ago my boss yelled at me again and told me to find a new job. He didn't fire me, just thought i should look for a new job. It was not pleasant. As you may know things have been tough for me since i started almost a year ago. For those that don't know, i am a researcher working in california but i am from the UK. So just being here is hard on me because all my friends and family are in the UK. My boss has given me minimal support and has taught me nothing since i have been here. The situation has just got worse and worse and hes angry at me for not having any "real" data yet. The problem is my personality type is to crumble when people don't give me any positive support and are only pointing out the bad. I mess up even more and get very stressed. I have developed a stomach ulcer from all the stress. I want to do well and i am working hard and trying but it seems as though it will never be good enough. I am very depressed over it. I do keep messing up and i am not doing great so its not as though my boss is unjustified in his rage at me.

It's all making me want to quit science and i feel like im close to a mental breakdown. I now have a BF here and this just makes things worse for me as now i don't want to split up with him but i want to move back to the UK. People tell me to look for new jobs but i just dont feel like im any good and have no confidence to look for a new job. I just feel like i want to hide over a rock. The last few days i had some friends from England over and it was great, i felt happy and less stressed again, but as soon as they left i was depressed again. All teary and stuff. I came back to work today to find something i was not getting to work, someone else got working, now i think everyone must think I'm no good.

I guess I'm not really looking for a big solution just any ideas or support. I feel so useless and worthless... :(
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Re: Depressed....

Postby captainf » Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:33 pm

Sorry to hear that you feel like that. I think that as you've lacked support from your boss the whole time you cant really expect to make progress. You only become great at something if you have the good guidance of the person above you. Your boss is lazy and wants results but isnt willing to support his staff to get them.
The way I see it you only have 2 options really. You can look for a new job and stay with your boyfriend, or you can return to the UK. From what I remember, your old boss in the UK was very fond of your work and i'm sure you told me on numerous occasions that he wanted to give you work once you returned home. Its always worth getting into contact with him and seeing what he has available.

Finally - dont give up science. I know you're as passionate about science and making a difference as I am about flying and being a pilot.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: Depressed....

Postby Skarlet » Wed Apr 14, 2010 9:38 pm

You are not worthless or useless! I agree with Captainf, your boss is not being helpful or supportive. he needs to give more direction as to what he wants. I am sorry you ar feeling down though Everloney. I will send hugs and support through the interweb. :grouphug:
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Re: Depressed....

Postby snail » Wed Apr 14, 2010 10:17 pm

Have a kiss to go with that, Ever *kissheart*
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Re: Depressed....

Postby everloney » Thu Apr 15, 2010 6:51 pm

Thankyou for the support everyone, it means alot to me, my life has been an uphill struggle with this job and i just feel very done... I'm tired and depressed. My stomach hurts all the time I'm here.... its just so difficult. I plan to work really hard and just try and pump out some data in the next two months, boss said hes cutting the project on the 1st of june. If hes still trying to push me out then, I'll def look for a new job, i will prob apply here and in the UK. I don't want to quit this one until i find a new one. I don't think i want to give up on science as i do love it but i just feel like im not doing a good job of it and so therefore maybe i should do something else. I party regret doing my PhD just because i think the stress of this type of job is too much and would be happier a lab tech, less money but happier... I just don't know if i can take a step back, i worry no-one will hire me because I'm too qualified.

As for the old boss captain, he would take me back, we talk alot but at the moment he has no money to pay me, so i can't go back. Maybe i could as a volunteer but no paid at the moment. Its something to think about though. Spoke to my BF about it all and told him that i will be moving home sooner or later, i don't want to stay here, i miss home. He said he will move with me... i am lucky to have him really, hes a great guy. We've only been together 2 months though and it seems too soon to make him move. I have always questioned if i wanted a high flying career as i wanted to be able to see my kids grow up (if i have kids!), enjoy time with family and friends as these are the things i put value on. I love science and i do want to make a difference in the world but at the cost of my sanity? Thanks so much for listening to me rant on, it means alot to me to be able to talk about how i feel. I'm in the lab again today, depressed and miserable..
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Re: Depressed....

Postby captainf » Fri Apr 16, 2010 1:28 am

I dont think you should give up on science, but maybe work in a different area of it? Like, right now you're working on limb regeneration but you're not really happy due to the working conditions so is there any other projects that you can get involved with instead? Maybe things like cures for illnesses or something along those lines?

I think its sweet that he said he'd move to the UK to be with you. He must really love you to do something like that :)
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Re: Depressed....

Postby RagDoll » Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:35 am

Hi Everloney,

I agree that you shouldn't quit your current job until you've got another one lined up.. but I think it's time to start applying for alternative employment now. It's obvious you're not at all happy in your current employment and obviously your boss doesn't appreciate you (even tho he should). Equally, as Captain said, I don't think you should give up on Science.. aren't there other (less stressful) projects you can get involved in?

Re: having kids etc. this is just a personal choice. A lot of people have a high-flying career AND have kids, tho I am not entirely sure how they cope! Personally, I think if you have kids, you should sacrifice your career a bit for them (not saying you have to stop working, but kids should come first, in my opinion). Surely you can do both in your life and keep them relatively seperate tho? e.g. have the high-flying career first and when you're ready, settle down and have kids.

I think it's sweet that your boyfriend said he'd move to the UK to be with you, but I think that's a huge step (and perhaps a foolish one) after a mere 2 months together. I don't think you know someone well enough after 2 months to uproot your life like that.
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Re: Depressed....

Postby everloney » Fri Apr 16, 2010 10:13 pm

The problem is i think that you are all right, the situation has gone from bad to worse and i don't think its going to change. This makes me sad because i have invested a year of my life into this and it was all for nothing. I stress of it all have become too much and i feel sad all the time. I know i have to get out, but worry no-one else will employ me. I plan to get some data and grovel at the end of the month to make him change his mind but i think this will not work and he will continue to push me out. In which case, i get serious about looking for a new job. I may not find one though and be stuck... jobless.

As for the BF, i totally agree ragdoll, two months is not nearly enough time to get to know someone. So what do i do if i lose this job? I will have to return to the UK. I could look for another job here but it will not be in this university and so will be atleast an hours drive from where we are now. I will be alone all week and only see him on weekends... plus i dont want to stay here any longer i want to leave. Any ideas for a great solution? I just don't know what to do. We could do the long distance thing for abit but i think we will both find it very hard....

As for science, i dont think i want to give up i just think i want to do something less high-profile, i want my evenings and weekends to be my time, not time i use to think/do more lab work. Its taken me a long time to realise this but its the truth. I just wish i could stay in this job abit longer for the sake of my relationship. I know its only been two months but its the best relationship i have ever had and i love him very much.
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Re: Depressed....

Postby captainf » Sat Apr 17, 2010 12:31 am

I think the only suggestion I can make is to return home to the UK if you cant (and dont want to) find employment in the USA. I think that its the only the thing that will make you happy. Your friends are here in the UK and so is your family. I know you miss them all so much.
I'm sure there are jobs in science here in the UK that you can work in. Perhaps you can email some of the labs/unis around the UK and see what they have available?

As for your relationship, its better to break up at 2 months than 1yr or more.. but I do wonder if maybe you guys could maintain a long distance thing first? Alternatively if your boyfriend wants to work in the UK then that is his discretion and if it means you can be together then all the better for it.
Remember how the runway lights looked one night long ago when you were lost and found your way, and how-you still dont know?
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Re: Depressed....

Postby Skarlet » Sat Apr 17, 2010 9:24 am

Hey Everloney,

I don't think you should write of working at a higher level, okay this job hasn't worked out, but there are other labs, where it won't be the same. I also don't think you have wasted this year, although it hasn't all been positive, you have learnt alot about yourself. I think you should start looking now, contact universities, and get out of your toxic work place. I don't think that its your failing as to why this hasn't worked out, I think your manager has an issue with you. If a manager had been like that to me, I would have gone to HR, and talked about bullying.

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Re: Depressed....

Postby snail » Sat Apr 17, 2010 10:04 am

I agree completely - I don't think this year has been wasted in any way, shape or form. . . I think you've learned a tremendous amount and had the experience of living on another continent.
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Re: Depressed....

Postby everloney » Mon Apr 19, 2010 5:49 pm

Thankyou so much for your replies, you are right its not a total waste. I just feel alittle lost, sadly part of me hopes he will fire me and this will solve the problem for me, not in the best of ways but i don't have to wake up in the morning thinking my life sucks and i cant face another day in that lab, i will just be thinking my life sucks.... i guess plus, im sad to be leaving my BF. You are right captain, 2 months is better than after a year to split up but i do not want to split up, and neither does he.... i think he will move with me, but we need to be together longer before making such a commitment..... this is the only reason i would like this job to work out and it would be nice for me to get one paper out of it. I don't know whats going to happen, but i have money for a flight and my parents will totally take me in, so i will not be on the streets starving.... so i will do my best and hopefully things will work out, if not its not so bad...
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Re: Depressed....

Postby captainf » Mon Apr 19, 2010 11:28 pm

Interesting. I guess all you can do is keep working hard at the lab and hope something materialises. Until then just enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend.
Its sweet that hes willing so far to be with you :)
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