Am I a bad person?

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Am I a bad person?

Postby chris84 » Fri Aug 24, 2007 5:34 pm

I've been feeling guilty for weeks but have been suppressing it and going out drinking lots and trying not to think about it but a few months ago i went out with a group of friends and my best friend Sara. Well she was certainly one of my best friends anyway and we got on so well and she has a boyfriend but i guess deep down ive always liked her because she is so nice and clever and pretty but she has terribly low confidence, has had a difficult past and suffers badly with depression. She doesnt drink because she gets drunk really quickly, she cant handle it and she was sexually abused once when she was drunk in the past and so she is scared of being taken advantage. Ive only seen her drink a couple of times but that was about a year ago when she was very down about her ill father and she got drunk very quickly and flirty with this guy who she quite liked (i suspect) and i got a bit jealous but obviously said nothing. things were bad between her bf and her and i thought they would break up but they worked through it and were going to move in together in september. I guess ive always hoped they would break up and then she might look at me differently but it hadnt happened. Id started to realise just how much i liked her recently and i dont know if i was falling in love with her but this night she drank and asked me to get her home and i said i would and we got drunk, her obviously in particular as she couldnt handle it but it was a special night, the last uni night so she wanted to let her hair down and i guess she trusted me to look after her. Anyway she got very drunk and said could she just come back to mine and sleep on my sofa and i said yeah of course, i know she didnt mean it to imply anything but i was rather pleased but she was just drunk and being lazy about travelling to hers. When we got to ours i didnt turn the light on and it was dark and she was really drunk and for some reason started to taker her top off and then took her bra off and i was like omg yes and i took her trousers off and she didnt have any underwear on and she flopped on the bed and i started to kiss her. I know she was really really drunk but i thought omg she wants me yes and she kissed me back and i touched her and she moved my hand onto her breasts. Throughout her eyes were shut and she was obviously very very drunk but i liked her so much i didnt think about it and then i realised she had fallen asleep and i guess i did too but when we woke up she was hysterical and was crying and crying and i got upset because the whole thing hit me and i thought omg what have i done, she didnt want it and rushed off to work leaving her and she text me and said i was a basket. We havent spoken since. She emailed me and said she is so hurt because she never liked me and i knew that and it is true but i guess part of me wanted to believe she did and the drink was revealing her true feelings but i should have acted like a true friend. I dont know how to feel. I told my friends that she wanted it and i didnt do anything wrong and they think of course she did because we have been good friends for ages and she is a very friendly, beautiful, smiley girl and they would always take my side but her friends think im a basket. My brothers found out and i had to explain to them and i said the same thing, i thought she wanted it and ive stuck with it but i guess i wanted her to more than anything. I havent emailed her back or responded to her messages, i dont know what to say. I guess i havent legally done anything wrong and i thought she wanted it and surely we are both consenting adults but i know deep deep down that i messed up. She is so upset and our friendship is over, i thought she might be the girl i ended up marrying but now i see that i was an idiot. A couple of her friends have messaged me and said im so selfish and Sara has terrible depression now, worse than before and she had been talking about not wanting to carry on with her life. I think her boyfriend has supported her, im not sure. I've moved on with my life because i havent i suppose done anything wrong but a part of me knows i have.

Edited by Pwif: no swearing please.
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well

Postby frances » Sat Aug 25, 2007 9:28 pm

God feel real sorry for you, at the end of the day us girls get drunk and we need to take responsibility for our actions. I dont believe its ur fault, iv done things wenever im drunk and regretted it but u cant blame the fella, like she took off her top etc and no matter how drunk u r u still know wot ur doin. Id either leave it or try 2 write her a message but u know u will never b friends after this. sorry
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Postby morris mouse » Sun Aug 26, 2007 11:08 pm

chris84 wrote:I know deep deep down that i messed up. She is so upset and our friendship is over A couple of her friends have messaged me and said im so selfish and Sara has terrible depression now, worse than before and she had been talking about not wanting to carry on with her life. I think her boyfriend has supported her.


"chris84"

As you mention in your post,yes you did take advantage of her,while
she was drunk [-X

It didn't help either,that you knew that she already had a boyfriend,so
really,you forced yourself upon her!! Did you ever stop to think how this would effect their relationship together?

Two things have happened,as a result of your actions:--

She has terrible depression now, worse than before and she has been talking about not wanting to carry on with her life.......

......Also your friendship with her is over. :(

Was it really worth it?
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Postby DaydreamerBeliever » Thu Aug 30, 2007 9:59 am

Hiya Chris84,

OK yes you've made a mistake- a BIG one,
What would you of done if she accused you of rape or abuse?

Use this experience and learn from it.

Its just a suggestion, but perhaps you should email one of hers friends (i wouldnt advise emailing Sara directly) and explain to her how sorry you are and that things didnt go that far as you both fell asleep because this is probably why Sara is so upset, she probably doesnt remember what happened and may be assuming the worst.
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Aug 30, 2007 11:53 am

I think there are right and wrongs on both sides.
You didn't sleep with her so she does seem to be overreacting a bit.
Although you did take advantage of the situation she KNOWS she can't handle her drink and has been in a compronising positions before so she should not have put herself in that position again.
She must have know you liked her from the way you describe your feeling towards her, I think that would be pretty difficult not to pick up on.
The problem now is even if she realises she needs to take some of the blame I don't think pride will let her admit it. She will have to go back to all the people she has told she feels like ending her life that actually the situation was no where near as bad as she made out.
From what you have said you kissed and fondled her breasts. If that is all you truly did.
She has put herself in this situation before and from the incident with kissing the boy when she had a boyfrined it sounds like she puts herself in these situations whenever drunk
Whilst you must never do anything again with a girl who is drunk in a similar situation I don't think there is much more you can do now.
The girl sounds like she needed serious help before you came along but yes you have probably made the situation worse.
Make sure people know exactly the extent of what happended but don't try to justify what you did just apologies that you have made her feel worse about herself. And keep away from her.
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Postby chris84 » Thu Aug 30, 2007 5:55 pm

I think you're right that I should feel bad and shouldnt justify how i feel but should face ive made a mistake and try and move on and hopefully she will too. I really really dont think she realised that i liked her cos she even told me once that she wouldnt be friends with a guy who liked her and she even stopped being friends with another male friend who seemed to like her so i cant accuse her of that and she never led me on..also with that guy Bel you referred to, she didnt kiss him, she hasnt cheated on her bf before ever, she just flirted with him a bit and that's it. This is all my fault. Yes she shouldnt have put herself in such a compromising position but to be honest i think it was naivety and nothing else and i took advantage of her being drunk.

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Postby Bel Bel » Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:27 am

Owning up to the problem is the only way to move on.
You can't go back and change anything now but hopefully things will get better in time and as others say - make this a big learning lesson
I really beleive you should stay away from her though because if she is already on the edge you don't want to be the reason she does something silly
I still beleive she is partly responsible though knowing how she gets when drunk she should not have allowed herself to get in that position.
Good luck for the future
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Postby brfc » Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:31 am

i think the best thing is to learn from this and move on. i cant see that the damage can be repaired with ur friend. just learn for next time i say
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Postby turtlebird » Sat Sep 29, 2007 3:02 am

I don't know if it's too late but please please just email her.

She is obviously hurting a lot and you have taken something from her (hence the depression) . Put it back by saying that you're sorry if you hurt her and that you never meant to and that you did have feelings for her. Tell her this otherwise you just add to the long line of "basket men" in her eyes. She will never recover. Give her her self-worth back. You will feel more like a man too in restoring your own dignity and know that you can do right by another person for your future relationships. Ask her to look after herself more as you can't as a friend anymore.

Please do this. I see how long i takes people to recover from these type of experiences. It is worse as you were a friend not a stranger after all. Be mature now.

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Postby retrochav » Sun Sep 30, 2007 2:15 am

I think from the excellant advice offered it is clear that we must all be responsible for our actions and never take chances sexually, or imply possible consent when we should explicitly give a yes or a no.

Its hard to know whether further contact would help or hinder. Maybe a female friend could pass on your feelings of deep sorrow and regret so she knows that you dont regard it as a bit of fun.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Postby Xpose soph 07 » Thu Oct 11, 2007 3:19 pm

Oh dear...

Theres two ways to look at it really...

You never slept with her, nor did you force it upon her so chill a little bit, if she had felt you had taken advantage she wud have spoken to someone about it by now..

On the other hand it cud have been bad, she cud have told someone and u cud have been accused of rape"! You new she had a bf so that dont help either, but hey lets be honest ur a bloke, u liked her alot and i can understand you wanting something to happen, also she shud have taken repsonisiblity for her own actions to, she shudnt be getting so drunk she doesnt no what she was doing, lucky u were there else it cud of been someone else.
I get that she has issues tho, so feel sorry for you both.Pehaps write her a letter? I no this sounds really geeky but you can get everything of your chest. Explain how you never wanted to hurt her, and u were being seflish with your own feelings, just be honest with her, then if she chooses not to respond put this all down to a learning experince and think next time first! x
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Postby janice6507 » Tue Oct 30, 2007 2:00 pm

Hi, the same thing more or less happened to me..my friend has been with this guy a few times and a few weeks ago when we were very drunk, we went back to his house for a few drinks..then my friend left and i stayed there drinking as i have known him years, I didnt think anything, but all of a sudden i was upsatirs and we were having sex,i was so drunk i dont remember how i got there and i didnt even know who was on top of me! i left straight away and now im eaten up with guilt as my friend really likes him..what do i do? i know ye will say be honest but my friend would never speak to me again!

Edited by Pwif: I've set up a separate thread so you get feedback on your own problem. Eaten up with Guilt
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Wed Oct 31, 2007 10:32 am

You didn't sleep with her. She has had bad experiences but why not try explaining to her through a letter or an e-mail?

She probably doesn't know how you are really feeling at the moment and as you are feeling really bad about it, you should get things straight and tell her you are sorry and how you are feeling at the moment.

Think before you act next time. Remember, everyone makes mistakes.
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