Help! Friend trouble!

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Help! Friend trouble!

Postby turtlebird » Sat Sep 29, 2007 2:51 am

I feel naive about friendships even tho I'm in my 40's and this is becoming a major problem that I am not dealing with very well.

I have been best friends with G for 3 years and I think there is more going on than meets the eye. Since we met these things have happened:

1. We worked together and she turned up at my house when I was off sick by finding my address at work. I was not pleased and said she could only stay a short time. After that she has phoned me nearly every day asking what I would like to do. I say I have plans and she "reorganises" my day so she can see me. I defend my plans and then she gets like she's been left out.

2. She tries to undermine other friendships and relationships.

3. She acts like she can't do anything without me.

4. She constantly buys me gifts etc and tells me how I am "better than her".

5. She jokes (in poor taste) that we will always be friends because she "knows too much about me".

6. She phones everyday to talk about her non-existent problems but when I have major life issues (break-ups etc) she says that going out would cheer me up and we end up doing stuff that she wants. She has agreed that she is no good with feelings.

7. I have now started in a relationship and she seems furious although she smiles arrogantly and says it will come to nothing.

8. I thought of moving house to get some distance from her but she says she will move with me and that she wants us to live together and not have relationships with men!

9. She has now disturbingly used my password (without my consent or knowledge) to access websites in my name (just to look).

10. She says she is lazy and stupid and that I have to spell out any problems we have. When I do she is a bit hurt but she listens and does it but then goes on about it (I told her that I felt stalked by her asking me where I was going and who with etc when I met other friends and that she shouldn't phone me constantly as she would sometimes call 3 or 4 times a day - now when she phones every day or other she double checks that it's ok in a way that's designed to make me feel stupid and sorry).


I manage to subtely tell her about the things she does that I don't like and I feel mean to her lately. I avoid her calls and txt her to say "I'm busy for the next 4 days". I know she is alone and has no other friends much (and tells me so). She is now becoming slightly "unhinged" and has started drinking more and being really negative and nasty when drunk (because of the new man in my life). She say that I could do better and that I am mean to hold onto him as he is younger and that I should let him go as we (meaning me) are too old for guys who might want kids in future and he would only leave for a younger woman eventually. He has decided not to have kids and I have known him for 3 years now. She says that love is just a selfish thing and that she doesn't get emotions at all. She arrogantly smirks when I disagree.

The only row we ever had was early on when I had a birthday party and I found her having sex with a man in my bed! I threw them out and she asked for forgiveness and we made up.

I am now thinking of leaving my job to get away and have restricted days she can phone me to keep some sanity. She has invaded my life entirely. I feel I may blow and it would devastate her.

Other friends think she is lovely and that I am being a little paranoid. She is in my social circle and all my family know her.

Thank you for any comments.

T
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Postby netballluva » Sat Sep 29, 2007 11:55 pm

I think that you should try telling her about how you feel about her. You said that you have to spell out the problems your having to her. I think some of the things she does are really invading your privacy and she really needs to be confronted about them. For example using your password to access websites in your name is wrong. That is private to you and she should not get away with things like that.

You say she doesn't have any other friends. Why don't you introduce her to some of your other friends. Then she might not be as obsessed with you and spend time with everyone instead of suffocating you.

Hope this helps and good luck x
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Re: Help! Friend trouble!

Postby retrochav » Sun Sep 30, 2007 1:55 am

This is no longer a friendship - its a dependency that is not helping either of you.

It seems from your post that she lacks confidence so badly that she feels whole only when she is around you. Poor is a person whose happiness depends on the permission of someone else.

You need to have a heart to heart. Spell out clearly what you can give in the friendship and what you cant. It might be best to have an independant person with you as a wittness.

Dont be tempted to take more than you want to out of pity - pity turns to contempt if you feel its being used to manipulate you.

Netballuva is quite on the ball (parden the punn!) when she suggests encouraging her to expand her social life. Give her this oppertunity as a carrot, but be prepared to distance yourself as a stick.

If you handle the situation with strength, telling rather than hinting you may stop a needy friend becomming a nasty stalker.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Postby turtlebird » Sun Sep 30, 2007 10:10 am

Thank you for your thoughtful insights and suggestions.

She is within my social network and does know a lot of people that are my friends but says that she feels awkward with other people.

We had a talk yesterday and things are slowly moving in some direction. I didn't see her the whole weekend nor phone contact and she went out in the end with other friends and said it went ok. I said that was good because now I'm in a relationship I will be planning my time out more and not be so available. She understood but I could see she didn't like it. I will keep up this message to her and stick to my boundaries.

It is a sad thing I think as her children are growing up and she is getting "empty nest syndrome" but I've had to deal with this myself and can only offer some time for her but not to do it all for her. It is hard though as you can understand.

Thank you for considering my problem here.

T
x
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Postby Bel Bel » Mon Oct 01, 2007 12:15 pm

Also change your passwords
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Postby queenieplum » Tue Oct 02, 2007 1:49 pm

Ohh my - she really is odd isn't she. Sounds like she is very insecure and wants to be involved with your life as much as possible. Firstly, her snooping is NOT ON, she really crossed the line hacking into your e-mails etc. She is manipulative, controlling, nasty and to have sex with a man in your bed is an absolute disgrace - not good qualitities in a friend. I really think you should tell her to get lost - been firm and tell her you do not want her in your life anymore. Harsh words but do you want to carry her around like a ton weight burden on your shoulders. You shound like a great friend, who has been abused and pushed to the extremes, I would go off and concentrate on on the new relationship and other people who make you happy and are there for you - not using you.
I know its probably against your character to be tough, but if you are then you are doing yourself a massive favour. She will find someone else to stalk.
Hope it goes well for you.
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