Friend has problems

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Friend has problems

Postby liddy » Mon Oct 15, 2007 2:45 pm

Ok Ive had this friend for around 15yrs, she's always had abit of baggage in that she is adopted and has never come to terms with it.
Because of this she seems to have a massive chip on her shoulder when it comes to stuff like 'famiies' and 'kids' (basically cos she feels her own mother gave her away so she's jealous of children who have parents who've kept them!!!)
She's had two relationships since Ive known her and they have both been pretty odd. She does not cook, clean, iron etc for her bfs as she feels it makes her a lesser person and she prides herself on her non-conformist independent self! She cant cook anyway and is quite proud of the fact.
OK so the problem - well, she's been with her current bf for about 14 years and everything was ok till about 3-4 yrs ago when he became a chef and became friendly with a woman he worked with. They ended up going into partnership together in a restaurant (which has since gone to the wall!!) He told my friend that this woman was divorced.
My friend has never shown any interest in his venture and stayed away more so when his family became involved to help him. She alienated herself completely (Ive never understood her logic) Basically Ive thought for ages that her bf and this other woman were an item as he comes home to my friend at 4am and they hardly speak.
She said I was wrong and made all sorts of excuses, saying chefs having to work very unsociable hours etc.
I know this to be rubbish as my bf is a chef and has been for 25 years and says there might be a few late nights but not so many - and mid week?? No.
Anyway it turns out that this womans ex-husband(?) has written to my friend telling her that there IS an affair going on and he(the bf) has since admitted it!
They arent married but she's been paying half the mortgage - Ive told her to accept its over and think of moving on, maybe seeing a soliciter as she's obviously worried where she will live if she leaves the house. She says theres no point going for advice as she has no options!!!!
When I text her to ask how she is, she tells me I have no idea.
Thing is. Im going thru a divorce myself after 20 years of marriage and i have a child so things arent exactly sparkling for me right now.
Ive given up trying to help her. I really think she needs some kind of therapist to get her over her adoption hangups or she'll never move on.
What do you think....?
I'm actually beginning to think this woman maybe was NOT divorced??? And that was the reason for all the secrecy??
Sorry so long, waffled abit but hard to fit 15yrs of friendship in a few sentences, lol.
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Postby Bel Bel » Wed Oct 17, 2007 11:07 am

Your friend sounds terribly negative and whilst i agree she needs conselling I can't think how you would persuade her she needs it.
There are always options but again if she doesn't want to get help then you can't make her
She doesn't have to leave the house until an agreement with the ex is reached.
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Postby liddy » Thu Oct 18, 2007 11:02 am

Yes, 'negative' is a good word to describe her.
We all have problems going on in our lives and i'm no exception but with her being on her own so much, she seems to live inside her head and dwell on things.
Im supposed to meeting her soon though not sure what advice I can give her as she doesnt listen - Maybe she knows that alot of her problems are of her own making and cant face that?
She's still my friend though and I feel a duty to listen :-?
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Oct 18, 2007 12:34 pm

I agree you sound like you are being a good friend but sometimes she needs to be a friend back. If it's all one sided perhaps you need to consider seeing less of her
As you say we all have our own problems and taking on someone else is not usually a good idea for you mental wellbeing
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