Have feelings for a friend

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Have feelings for a friend

Postby downbutnotout » Wed Nov 28, 2007 12:15 am

About 3 years ago, I met a lovely guy through a website and we chatted most nights on MSN. We hit it off straight away, sharing the same sense of humour, liking the same music and having similar life experiences. After a few months, we met up at a gig, and ended the evening with a very pleasant kiss outside the hotel I was staying in.

I knew he had just come out of a long term relationship, and wanted to take things very slowly - which I was happy with. We met up several times and things moved on. I was beginning to fall for him in a big way, but just as I was starting to try and encourage more, he backed off saying he wasn't sure how he felt anymore.

We remained in touch over the internet and meeting up to go to gigs etc, and after a while I realised that nothing was ever going to develop further between us and I tried to move on ... I thought I was until I found out he was seeing another girl he had met on the internet. Although I knew that was also going very slowly, I was devastated and realised I was still in love with him. I broke off all communication with him as it was too painful, but found I needed his friendship and slowly drifted back.

He's now in a situation where this girl is treating him badly, giving him the runaround, seeing other guys, and he has been pouring his heart out to me. He's ended it with her, asking her to contact him when she has made up her mind about what she wants from him. Its hurting me like mad hearing him say how he feels about another girl, and my friends are telling me to walk away and stop torturing myself over him .. but I can't leave someone I also consider a good friend at a time when he really needs support.

I know that we will never be more than friends, but how can I be a good friend if every time he starts seeing someone else I get upset, and I get hurt? Do I listen to my friends and walk away, cutting off all ties?
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Postby brfc » Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:58 am

welcome to problempages


although you wernt properly going out you fell for him in a big way and like most relationships if things break up its hard too move on staying freinds.

with this situation i agree with your freinds that it would be better too try to move on from this guy or you will be torturing yourself wondering why hes in love with someone who treats him bad and not in love with you.

at the end of the day a freindship is something to enjoy. if its causing you pain then its best too stop.

take care brfc x
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Re: Have feelings for a friend

Postby retrochav » Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:47 pm

Put yourself in his shoes - if you were pineing for a guy and realised a friend fancied you, could you really put him through it? More likely you would distance yourself or hope he would.

Being honest with yourself, really honest. Do you really share his hope that she will choose him and everything will be alright - or is there the hope that she will leave the path clear for you?

If you cant share his wish of getting his girl, and genuinely share his saddness if she leaves, then you should be totally honest with him. Tell him how you really feel and say you want to support him but care too deeply to give the objective support he needs - that would take real love. Love is happy with the truth.

You may loose him, but if he hasnt the same feelings that you have for him then you never really had him to begin with, and need to search a fresh.

Sorry to seem harsh here, but thats a straight from the heart opionion which you are free to ignore.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Postby Bel Bel » Thu Nov 29, 2007 10:35 am

I think retrochav is spot on
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Postby SovereignJames » Fri Nov 30, 2007 10:11 pm

Tell him exactly how you feel. You can't hope to help or support him when you have feelings for him which encumber your help.
In my opinion, you really need a hug :) I feel for you as your in a position one of my friends was in; and I now know the pain she went through.
So tell him exactly how you feel, and what you want to happen, or whether you don't know what you want to happen. Extract from him his feelings, if any, for you. Find out how he really feels; if he is really pouring himself out to her, then you may have to follow your friends advice and cnosider moving on. But, as most people do, I would jump right off the deep end and take all the risks because in the end, being with him is what really matters...?
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Postby downbutnotout » Sun Dec 02, 2007 5:27 pm

Thanks everyone ... I am still very torn on what to do. Yes, I have very strong feelings for him but that is not my only reason for sticking around - we were friends before the romance, and I do consider him a very dear friend. He has been there for me on several occasions when I've had a tough time, and right now, he needs a friend. The other night I told him I felt helpless and didn't know how to help him, and he replied "its OK, knowing you're there is enough"

He does know how I feel, well I'm 99% certain he does, and when things started going badly with this other girl, he held back from telling me about it because he knew it was difficult for me, but it got to a point where it seemed he was talking in riddles and I needed him to tell me properly so that I actually understood what the hell he was going on about.

yes, if I am completely honest, I'd like nothing more than for him to realise its the wrong girl he's getting worked up over ... but I'm also not a fool and I know that isn't going to happen. I don't think he should be with this other girl, its as simple as that - she is 16 years younger than him and English is not her first language. I personally think she is caught up in the flattery of an older man being interested in her, but I don't think she loves him as she has told him she has a boyfriend of her own age back home! If it was another girl that did seem right for him, then maybe I would feel a little different .. all I want is for him to be happy
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