My friend needs me but wants more from me...help!

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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My friend needs me but wants more from me...help!

Postby EmmieK » Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:07 pm

Hi everyone,

Just wondering if anyone has any good advice for me.

Recently I have been getting on well with a guy, on a friends basis, and the other day he read a text on his wifes phone when it came through, from a guy saying he loved her, etc.

My friend has been married for nearly 4 years, has two children, and always seemed to try and make an effort with his wife, but when he confronted her about all of this, she said it had been going on for a few weeks. Later through the day the few weeks turned into 6 months, and she hadn't loved him for over a year and was planning to run away with this guy in January. Yesterday he went home to find rather than talking to him, she had gone to stay with this guy. Now through the evening it has come out that it hasn't just been the one, that quite a few of his friends had been with her too, while she had always accused him of going off when he never has.

Well...here is my problem. I really want to help. I know how it feels to have a friend who isn't a friend of both of you and someone who isn't involved, and it helps. So I have been talking to him, trying to help, and I went round his house last night after his kids had gone to bed to calm him down after finding all of these things out, as didn't think it would be good for him to be alone.

Basically when I started getting closer as a friend to him, I was honest with him, which usually I find quite hard to be honest with men. I told him that now my 4 yr relationship had ended (quite badly) with my ex who I still have to live with and watch him move on, I was to make a fresh start. I was not going to get involved with men for a while, as I want to discover who I am and learn to be independent and move up to Newcastle next year.

Now he says he has never met anyone like me, and has fallen for me, and if he wasn't married he would ask me out immediately. When he asks how I feel, I tell him feelings don't count, as I do not want to get involved with anyone, and he needs to focus on what is going on with his marriage and the kids and he only felt like he had fallen for me as I had been there for him. I said would it be easier for me to back off, but I know he needs me as a friend. I have told him where I stand, but I know he keeps saying he has crossed the friends point, and who knows what the future holds and how I feel when I'm in Newcastle, but I've told him i want a completely fresh start. What else can I do? I know if everything wasn't going on with him right now, I would completely back off, but I know he needs to talk to someone.

Sorry for the long message!
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Postby brfc » Wed Dec 12, 2007 3:00 pm

i find it hard to believe that he can move on from a 4 year relationship so quick. your wise too keep your distance from him apart from being a friend. i think he,ll need a bit more time too get over his last relationship before he moves on too another. all you can do is keep telling him that your not ready for another relationship
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Postby Bel Bel » Wed Dec 12, 2007 3:07 pm

Perhaps the way to be there for him is over the phone
Point out he could well be rebounding and woul realise it wasn't what he wanted further down the line
Your absolutely right to tell him he needs to concentrate on his current situation and not get involved with someone else
Your being honest and there is little more you can do but if he continues then tell him he is at risk of losing you as a friend and you don't want it to end like that
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Postby EmmieK » Wed Dec 12, 2007 3:37 pm

Thanks guys for the advice, he suggested popping round mine later, but instead I have suggested that when he meets up with his wife and her new partner later, I am happy to sit in as a friend an support him. Only got a bit much when he said that when I move up to Newcastle who knows how I will feel and he can visit me and maybe the kids too, but the whole point of all of this for me is to just enjoy being young and single and man free, as for the past 7yrs i have always been straight from one to another relationship. I will just have to only be there if it does get too much for him, but nothing else.
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Postby captainf » Wed Dec 12, 2007 4:12 pm

I think you've been honest with him that nothing will happen between you and if thats how you truely feel then you've definitely done the right thing.

He isnt over his relationship and hes latching on to the first woman who shows she cares. I doubt his feelings are sincere and he really needs a friend more than a partner.
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Postby EmmieK » Wed Dec 12, 2007 4:24 pm

I know. Its just hard to convince someone that they wouldn't be feeling like this if circumstances were different. I told him last night that if he and his wife were happy he wouldn't even be feeling like that, but its hard to convince someone of this, to tell them what they are feeling isn't real. Oh well...he keeps saying that he knows this is the last thing I need as I don't need complicated but I kinda feel he says it to get a reaction from me and for me to say something back.
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Postby captainf » Wed Dec 12, 2007 4:31 pm

Yeah I get what you mean. I think all you can do is tell him you're there as a friend and nothing else.
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