Should i warn her? is there anything to warn her about?

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Should i warn her? is there anything to warn her about?

Postby suki » Tue Jan 22, 2008 12:14 pm

Hi there!
this has been eating me up inside for the last week and i need advice!!

Basically, my best friend has been in a relationship for nearly 3 years now with the guy she has loved for nearly 4! When she first met him he was wild and she quickly fell for him even though he would constantly hurt her (sleep with her, tells her he has strong feelings for her then never call her etc) around 2.5 years ago he cleaned up his act after getting a pretty important job and they started going out. Surprisingly it lasted! anyways, i really like the guy and my boyfriend gets on really well with him and the 4 of us always go out together. Recently they havent been getting on, they constantly fight. She is a difficult person to live with but he has started acting very odd recently. He doesnt seem interested on going out with just her, he always needs other people to go out with them. She has come to my house dozens of times in tears, she knows something is changing. I just thought the reason for all the fighting is the stress of his job, which he has just left.

Last weekend my boyfriend and i were having a debate about strip clubs and he told me that this guy has started going 2 strip clubs alone which i think is really strange! My boyfriend has a theory that he is cheating on her every chance he gets but has no proof. He does strange things like dissappear for the night and comes back telling us some long winded story which we all believed but my boyfriend recently informed me that he is actually going strip clubs .

My friend is v.difficult person to live with, she is spoilt, and used to getting her own way, i dont think she is very interested in sex and the word comprimise doesnt exist in her vocabulary. but i still think it is unfair of him to lie to her and lead her on. he has always been a but of a wimp and always wants to impress the "lads".

Now, i know i cant tell my friend because its not fair for me to get involved (and i have no proof he is cheating) but i do feel that maybe she comes over to the house in tears again i should agree when she states she wants to break up with him!? she is my dearest friend and i dont want to see her get hurt. He always talks about marriage with her and they are moving in together in a month. On a selfish note, i still really like the guy and before i new all this i thought that they are just in a rut but now i feel like things could only get worse!!

Sorry this is so long, i just cant really talk to anyone about it because all my friends know him!

thanks, xxx
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Postby misskrystal » Tue Jan 22, 2008 8:03 pm

If she asks your opinion about their relationship, his behaviour or even her attitude, then you have every right to be honest with her. Be blunt (but not rude) and tell her exactly how you feel. If she wants your opinion (and with her crying at your door, it sounds like she does) then she should hear it.

I wouldn't tell her about your suspicion about her boyfriend. Like you said, you have no proof and all you'd really be doing was gossiping. I'm also not convinced that he is cheating, but rather finding reasons to be away from home. If your friend is as difficult as you say, I wouldn't want to spend much time at her house either.

As her friend, you owe her the truth, but don't offer any unsolicited criticism of her relationship, because you'll just hurt her feelings.
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Re: Should i warn her? is there anything to warn her about?

Postby retrochav » Wed Jan 23, 2008 11:13 pm

I have to partially disagree with Mskrystal on this one, which is a good thing as you will have two views to consider and can choose one, other or none!

I wouldnt give an opinion at all. The reason being is that it could be used against you very easily. I would listen and offer sympathy but nothing more. She knows she has the option to leave, she doesnt need to be prompted to.

Certainly you are right to be concerned about what you know, but it wouldnt help by disclosing it. There is no proof he is cheating, as you say. She must suspect something, so if she wont address it or leave then she must be hoping it will resolve itself. Its not always wise to be a messenger - as the messenger often gets shot!
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Should i warn her? is there anything to warn her about?

Postby misskrystal » Thu Jan 24, 2008 12:18 am

retrochav wrote:I wouldnt give an opinion at all. The reason being is that it could be used against you very easily.

That's a really good point. My boyfriend actually went through something quite similar to this. He was asked for his opinion on someones relationship and gave it. When the couple decided to stay together, he was blamed for trying to split them up! This caused a huge family rift, yet it was suddenly forgotten when the couple divorced a couple of years later.

If you think your friend would use your opinion against you later, do as retrochav says and offer support. I'm quite lucky as my close friends (people I would actually give this type of opinion to) aren't really the type to ask unless they really wanted the truth.
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