Please advise, feeling really used and let down!

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Please advise, feeling really used and let down!

Postby emsyplimm » Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:50 pm

Sorry this could be quite long but i am desperate.

I have been best mates with my friend for a while now, and she was having big problems last year with her partner of 9 years!
They have a 4 year old son together too.
Anyway she kicked him out last november and during this time i was there for her all the time, i never got involved in their arguements, never said anything bad about him, just let her rant and gave her a houlder to cry on an ear to listen and a place to stay when she needed to get away.

Anyway mid november when he realised he was getting no response from her with his bitter remarks, he decides to start on me, i di not retaliate, did not say anything, anyway to cut a long story short he ended up sexually assaulting me and dragging round her house by my hair! Needless to say i am pressing charges and will not budge on that.

After this happened we were still close. About a month ago i realised she had started spending more and more time with him again, using the excuse that he wanted to see his son! Which is fair enough but she didn't have to see him, anyway she seems to have sort of pushed me to one side, she says she is not getting back togetherwith him, but last week she stayed over at his for the night and came back with a lovebite on her nek, now i am not stupid but if you do not want to get back together with someone, u don't let them suck on your neck!!!!
And she stayed over ther valentines night too.
I feel really let down and disappointed. I would love to say something to her but i just don't know what to say without it coming out wrong.
The thing is, if she wants to get back together with him then that is her choicebut why lie?? And well i just feel like she used me when she was alone and now she wants him back she isn't that bothered about me.
She hardly ever calls unless she wants me to do something for her and she hardly ever comes round anymore. Do i back off and just wait for her to come to me, i am really upset about this.
If she gets back with him, that will be it for our friendship as i do not ever think i could be in te same room as him again.
For reference, he is an alcoholic, drug taker(heavily) and is violent!
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:35 pm

It must be very hard for you knowing that you were there for this friend every step of the way and having her treat you badly in return.

The only way I can see for you to reframe this so as not to feel so hurt is for you to view it as follows:
You area good and caring human being
your friend is misguided and has her loyalities in the wrong place
you have done your best to teach her, even leading by example but she must now walk her path alone as you must walk yours. You can't keep holding off and waiting for her to see the light, she has chosen to be blind.

You deserve better friends and by losing her you are making space for them in your life.
You only get one life; I can help you make the most of it.
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:52 pm

Unfortunately, sometimes people are just plain ungrateful after all the help we've given! She is an adult and has the right to make her decisions, and she probably wouldn't listen to what you thought anyway. You deserve a better friend than her, so I would say concentrate on your other friends instead.

I'm glad he's not getting away with what he did to you. I hope everything works out well. Good Luck.
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Postby brfc » Wed Feb 20, 2008 2:40 pm

no doubt your friend will be back when her relationship goes pear shaped again but she cant keep using you. you deserve a better friend than her. mayb focus on other freinds and leave her to her own devices with this bully. glad your pressing charges too against him. he needs to be taught a lesson.
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Postby squiffya » Mon Feb 25, 2008 2:47 pm

That's terrible about him assaulting you. Good for you with pressing charges. I agree it's absolutely staggering that she would want to get back with him after his past behaviour and, particularly, his attack on you. But some people just won't learn til it's way too late, evidently she can't keep away from him, baffling though it is.

My main concern though is for you. After he's attacked you, he shouldn't be in your life at all (apart from legal proceedings). Are you able to make sure that you won't have to see him again? And are you positive there's no way he can attack you?

You are obviously an incredibly loyal friend but in this case you MUST put yourself first.
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