Should I bite my tongue.....again?

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Should i just carry on ignoring these things ....and keeping my mouth shut?

Yes, Ignore her. Its not worth saying anything
2
67%
No, tell her she winds me up
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Total votes : 3

Should I bite my tongue.....again?

Postby MsMeldrew » Mon Mar 24, 2008 5:18 pm

Hi All.

I have a friend(friend#1) who ive known from college days. She has always had family problems, numerous relationship disasters #-o because she cant see the wood through the trees, and i guess low self esteem.Going out with her in the old days used to mean being left along as she hung onto some low-life at the other side of the room.

I sound so guilty voicing this "rant", but i feel Im outgrowing her. I just feel its a one-way relationship. :roll: Her "ways" and habits and innapropriate cheekiness is winding me up. I think she feels that because i seem better off than her, then its alright to take me for granted. im beginning to just see her as a helpless little girl,(that takes advantage) and she loves using that image when it suits her, albeit subtlely. She will refuse food like a martyr, but when i order it,her eyes widen and will ask for a bit. this has happened for years. i always bite my tongue,as in itself, the event is sooo insignificant, id be a cow to mention it, :roll: so i dont.
same goes with drink in the bar. she will order the cheapest drink on the menu, fair enough, but then i order what i want, and she immediately changes her order to what im having, like if shes feeling hard done by. when she stays at my house she always leaves the bed in a mess. i think this is rude. Again, i never mention it as its insignificant in itself.And she wants to go away on holiday here and there, not big holidays, but when I make an excuse, she will not go anyway. ive been away with her before and i dont want to go away with her again.She is just waiting for me to organise events and trips all the time, instead of herself taking the initiative and doing something. she just says "that would be great!" but never does anything about it. Its like being friends with a child.
I find her quite manipulative. its always sooo subtle, she has it down to a fine art. even when i could say something, i dont.because its like making a big deal out of nothing.
Recently, we both went to visit a friend(friend#2)who has moved into a new council flat, not easily accesible by public transport. Once again, she manipulated me into giving her a lift up to our friends. what could i do, say "no"? just because she wanted to save money on a travelcard.whats wrong with a cab? "whatabout contributing a pound or two to my petrol ?" i was thinking. She seems to have enough money to go for lunchtime drinks to the pub, a smoking habit which she never used to have at college, and numerous gigs.tickets arent cheap for that are they?!
She has OCD, about her appearance and goes mad when it rains, which winds me up. again, i feel like a cow for being intolerant, but its always me me me and how she looks.it rained as we reached our friends' flat. :-? As usual throughout the evening, she ponced cigarettes off our friend as they both smoke. but our friend is now on a tight budget. this cigarette thing ALWAYS happens when they are together. I had bought our friend#2, lots of lovely and easy to prepare food shopping for her new flat as i knew her money was scarce,and she also has a habit of eating badly and then getting ill. So Friend#1's eyes straight away grew large as she dissected the shopping and how she could benefit and said oh great "we can have that for tommorrow's breakfast!"(to friend#2-i was not staying over that night). my blood boiled. presumptuous and cheeky. noone said anything. Friend#1 did not bring friend#2 anything, not a cheap bunch of daffodils for the flat, or a pack of biscuits even from the pound shop, or even the DVDs to watch that she was promising to bring. She told me she would buy friend#2 a drink as a prezzie in the bar later. needless to say, she didnt. she also borrowed a dvd ofmine that i had not watched yet. i KNOW that its unlikely that i will ever get that back. it was a limited edition too. :( . I couldnt believe that she hadnt even bothered to bring our friend(#2) a new-home card for goodness sake. She's like a scavenger."Me me me, what can i get out of this? how can i wangle that?"
Friend#2 suggested myself and her save up for a holiday in the galapagos in a year or two as she though the only "wierd" enough friend of hers that would be up for it would be me. No sooner had she mentioned it, friend#1: "I'll come, I'll come I'd LOVE to do that!"..... she isnt even remotely keen on wildlife !!..... So that's ruined that idea! I refuse to go. I also offered to give friend#1 some unwanted perfume from Xmas that she happens to love. As soon as i said that, friend#1 said "i love that too, ive always liked that!" I totally ignored her, just like she ignores statements that dont suit her.

Its just got to the point when these "little" things have just added up and the total of it all makes me MAD!! :evil: I do everything i can nowadays to simply avoid giving her a hello/goodbye hug becuase I just want to shake her and she simply repulses me. And i KNOW she is desperate for a hug probably off anyone. friendly or romantic.

Should i just carry on ignoring these things ....and keeping my mouth shut? Its been the same for over 10years now.
(sorry, LOOONG post!) :lol:
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Tue Mar 25, 2008 12:46 pm

Sounds to me as if you don't like her very much. Can I ask how this friendship ( if it could be called that) has lasted 10 years?
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Postby MsMeldrew » Tue Mar 25, 2008 2:18 pm

I think a part of me has always felt sorry for her and sometimes we have memories in common, like college days (which were so great!) and subjects other people dont know anything about. There is a part of her that is quite understanding about stuff like family problems, (not that i get any help or ask for any)as shes got so many and i sometimes identify with those. I dont know, maybe i somehow hope that one day I wont find her so annoying, that she'll change. That I wont see her as a follower, that she'll get more decisive. I dont know wether im at fault for expecting too much or her for letting life happen "to" her. She has a few friends that have all gone off and done their own things, had kids or getting married, or emigrated abroad to different countries following their paths,or that shes lost touch with. I dont know, maybe im clinging on to something that was never there? Im going to stop texting her. I think im going to keep my distance for a while and see how it goes.
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Tue Mar 25, 2008 2:43 pm

Sounds like she's using you! You've been really nice to her, by the looks of it and she hasn't seemed to have done anything to please you. It's only natural to feel sorry for her but she seems to be living okay at the moment. Maybe you could try explaining how you feel to her. You could try writing a letter too. It's her choice if she chooses to listen to you.

Distance yourself away from her for a while and see how she copes. If she copes okay, I think you could try ending this "friendship". You honestly deserve better than such treatment that lasted for the past ten years! No wonder you had enough of it!
Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get!
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Postby Bel Bel » Tue Mar 25, 2008 4:39 pm

you need to start standing up for yourself
However petty you think it is, these things bother you
Ring her up and tell her you wnat the DVD back by Friday, when you don't get it go round and tell her it was rude to borrow and not give it back especially as you hadn't even watched it and it was a special edition. Next time don't lend it to her.
Make arrangements to go on the holiday with your other friend and don't tell her about it. Once booked you cantell her it's booked and you can't add her to the booking or leave til its way too lat anyway.
Change your behaviour and she will soon get the message and change her wasy, if she doesn't she is no lose as a friend.
Have you asked friend 2 if she feels the same?
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Postby snail » Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:11 pm

It seems pretty clear that you really don't like Friend #1 at all, so I think you are right to keep your distance and just stop contacting her. If you don't like someone and don't feel you owe them anything, you are perfectly justified in no longer seeing them.

The only thing I would say is that you need to take some responsibility for how she treats you. You could say no to giving her a lift, you could say no to letting her have a bit of your food, you could say no to letting her borrow the DVD, etc. You seem to repeatedly let her do things, then fume about them silently and resent her. It's all very well to be thinking "What about a pound or two towards my petrol?" but you have to actually SAY it. If she protests that you're making a big deal out of nothing, just say something like "It matters to me".

Likewise, if she wants to ponce cigarettes and food off Friend #2 as well as not bothering to bring any house-warming gift, this isn't anything to do with you. You say your blood boiled, but it really shouldn't have. Let Friend #2 make her own decisions and speak for herself.

I do feel quite sorry for Friend #1 though. When someone is very selfish in this way it's not usually because they've sat down and thought "how can I be really nasty?" it's simply because their own needs are so overwhelming there's no room for anything else. She sounds lonely, needy, immature and really not at all happy. But this isn't a reason to keep seeing her, and even if it was I think you dislike her so much now I doubt anything good could come out of your friendship for either of you. Best to move on if you can.
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Postby MsMeldrew » Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:19 pm

You're all right. I should say something. Im just not used to that. I know obviously I have to wait a bit and then ask her wether shes done with my DVD. I can tell she'll make an excuse about meeting up so that she doesnt have to spend money in the return. but im going to speak up if she does.
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Postby fiftyone » Sun Mar 30, 2008 11:48 am

This is the first time i'v been on this board so I hope my input is what's expected of me :)

You sound like a together person who is considerate and really thoughtful about others (the flat warming gestures to Friend#2). That is something very valuable and I suspect #1 is dependent on you for your strength. Maybe she just hasn't got it in her to be that way and simply CANT reciprocate. Like snail said this isn't any reason for you to continue the friendship as it is particularly as it is upsetting you a lot. It also sounds like you are going to find it hard to say something to her. That's understandable. If you want to keep the friendship alive albeit in a less intense way you could maybe 'water' the friendship down a bit by seeing less of her and concentrating on other friends.
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Postby MsMeldrew » Sun Mar 30, 2008 3:35 pm

water-down. Hmm, I like that option.I must be more assertive.Actually,I sent her a polite but firm text if yesterday if she would be able to return my DVD. Shock, horror, it went swimmingly. This is NOT like her at all.
I later find out that she texted friend#2, not maliciously, but to ask if I had "left the other DVDs at friend#2s flat. Friend#2 answered that I had collected them last week.(which isnt true, they're still at friend#2's flat).

So,i guess once she heard friend#2's answer, she was more than willing to comply with my request.
Im now thinking, she's definitely getting suspicious, feeling that something isnt quite right and feeling that im being colder than usual towards her.I also think to some degree she may be a bit jelous of the friendship i have with friend#2.

I must say, other than that, i have stopped texting her.even when she was eager to text me the other night about her latest "I'm-not-smoking-triumph". Pff! Good for her, but i dont care. ive heard it so many times.
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Postby Bel Bel » Tue Apr 01, 2008 11:27 am

well done for standing up for yourself
keep it up and she will think twice about crsooing you
With the new found respect you may find you can have a friendship just more on your terms
Reconsider that holiday to the galapacos too
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Postby m_m » Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:52 am

I know exactly where your coming from MsMeldrew. I had a "friend" throughout secondary school who sounds exactly like your supposed "friend". At first she seemed very similar to me and we had alot in common. However as the friendship progressed she was very nasty to me and seemed only to want to put me down. She was incredibly selfish and encouraged my ex-boyfriend to break up with me and go out with her the next day. She never apologised and your post about your friend's "triumph" about her apparently giving up smoking reminds me of how my she always used to text me or ring me to rub in any of her achievements. On GCSE results day she purposely ran up to me and said "I'll just die if you've gotten better marks than me." Needless to say when I left school I severed all contact with her and am much happier for it.
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Postby miaow » Thu Apr 10, 2008 4:52 pm

hi - sounds like you've already starting to sort this 'niggle' out. Agree with advise from everyone else. As you've been 'friends' for 10 years she has taken you for granted and you've seen this as the 'norm'. Finally something has broke the camel's back and you've had enough. Good for you. You dont have to be nasty to be assertive, and it seems you are doing good job.


life is too short for ppl to use us!!

good luck

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Postby moving2spain » Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:39 pm

i think snail makes an excellent point! i dont think its fair for you to be silently moaning about your friend, you should confront the issue but if you are becoming repulsed by her then i think you will be unable to salvage the friendship. if this was my friend then personally i would offer a lift to a friends house and if i wanted my dvd back i would have no problem asking one of my friends. i think you have made your mind up that you no longer want her as a friend. maybe if you tell her she has been annoying you things will change but maybe once you tell her she may point out that you are being a bit petty and this is something you dont want to hear. as they say if you dont ask you dont get! speak your mind!!!!
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