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Someone from the Past spoiling things in Present

Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 11:27 am
by fiftyone
Someone who was not kind to me in the past - verbally attacked me over my daughter not inviting her daughter to a party - has turned up at my sports club. (that just one eg) She has got in with my group and from time to time I have to play sport with her. I honestly can't bear her and am finding it hard to conceal my feelings. I think she is manipulative as she is as nice as anything to the people she needs to be nice to. She's probably insecure too but I am being eaten up by the memory of how nasty and aggressive she was in the past and don't want it to happen again. I'm on the verge of telling her what I think of her but know I mustn't because it'll look bad in front of other club members. She acts as if it never happened. I don't know whats going on in her mind!

Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 1:21 pm
by morris mouse
fiftyone wrote: I'm on the verge of telling her what I think of her but know I mustn't because it'll look bad in front of other club members.


It's a hard one,this!!!

You don't want to say anything about her being nasty,and yet,if you
don't say anything,it just makes the situation worse :o

The best thing to do,would be to talk in private,to another adult,or someone in charge.Just mention how difficult your life has become as a result of this.

Nobody should have to "put up with" this type of behaviour.

Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 4:13 pm
by snail
To be honest, if she's acting as though nothing happened, it may be because she doesn't even remember it. If this kind of behaviour is normal for her, the incident over your daughter may not have meant much to her, and may now be forgotten.

Either way I don't think you should let it 'eat you up'. If she wasn't actually physically violent, all it was was a few nasty, aggressive words on one occasion. I know if you're a quiet and gentle person this can be really upsetting, particularly when you're not in the wrong, but it's a good idea to put it behind you as best you can. You'll always dislike her (and rightly so) but you can act like her, and behave as though nothing happened. You never know, perhaps she's ashamed of how she behaved.

If you really don't feel you can just ignore her, and it's really spoiling things for you with your social group, the only thing you could do is tell the other people exactly how much you dislike her, and why, and try to get them to exclude her from the group. This might work, but equally you might just come over as being petty and self-absorbed - I think this depends on how bad the original incident was.

The only other option is to get a completely new set of friends, and a new sports club.

Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 6:14 pm
by peecee
Sweet pea, I've been looking at your other posts, and - purely being nosy - wondering if you did anything about this one?

Even if you couldn't bring yourself to make a decison one way or another, we'd all love to know! :)



ps will respond to your latest thread, and will try not to ramble in my usual way... :wink:

Re: Someone from the Past spoiling things in Present

Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:47 am
by fiftyone
I'm not sure , but think you got my board name wrong here pee cee. Anyhow its a while ago now but have been working on this problem since I posted 18 months ago!!!

Basically what I did was to mention it in barest detail to one or two good friends at the club and they were supportive. At the same time I carried on as normal being civil and polite but not being as close with this woman as I am with others. She made one flippant comment which could have undermined me me one day which (to me) illustrated how she thought she could behave with me. I froze her out and refused to be drawn and since then she has been ok and assumed the distance which I feel comfortable with. Snail you are right - I will always dislike her and mistrust her , but you have to somehow live with people when you're a member of a club (or just in ordinary life) and that means tolerating people who basically you don't like. I feel I have regained my ground without losing any dignity or face. In a way I have managed to let her know that she's not dealing with quite the same vulnerable and shaky person she was callous to all those years ago and it may even have made her think about her behaviour back then. I hope so but frankly I don't care one way or the other. I just know that I don't feel threatened any more. Some things do take time to sort out. In this case 18 months!!!! :D

Re: Someone from the Past spoiling things in Present

Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 9:24 am
by snail
Good result :D