The baby club

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The baby club

Postby spider23 » Mon Apr 28, 2008 11:49 am

Not really sure where to start with this one...

Okay well me and my fiance don't want children. I've never in my life had the desire to have any children, and don't for the forseeable future (never say never). She feels exactly the same. But we are at a stage in our lives now where pretty much all of our friends have started having children. one of my best friends has a daughter, the other a daughter and son. My fiance's best friend has recently had one, her sister has a 6 month old, all of her other friends all have atleast one, and so now do mine.

I understand that most people by this age want children (most of us are in our mid-late twenties) but as the couple with no kids we are slowly being forced away from the social group like outcasts. Everbody else now seems to be forming this little 'clicky' group of parents, for example two of my friends who didn't really know each other that well a couple of years ago now see each other all the time, their kids play together, they all go out and they've even all been on holiday together with the kids.

If we ever suggest going out, they all just say they can't afford it or they're too busy. But whenever we do see any of them, it appears that they've all been out or been socialising together since the last time and we never get an invite. My friend even said to me the last time i saw him 'i can't believe you two don't want kids, how can you never want kids that's wrong!' it seems this is the opinion of most of our friends nowadays and everything has changed. Gone are the days of us going on holiday as a group of friends, or nights out, or just anything really that doesn't involve just sitting round somebodys house talking about babies. Don't get me wrong i know things change in life i'm no idiot, i'm not saying i want to spend every day of my life partying on the beach because i've changed too. I just want to live life.

We have no like minded friends at all these days so i'd just love to hear from anyone who has experienced this, or just anyone with any advice - even suggestions on how to meet new friends perhaps...? Thanks folks.
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Mon Apr 28, 2008 11:59 am

Oh dear. Having kids can really change things a lot. I don't really know how to advice on this except the part to find ways on meeting new friends. To be honest, there are many places where you could meet new people! Joining a club of your interests, going to a gym, going to seminars and sport or charity events! I'm sorry to hear that your friends don't have much time for you now - not very nice to hear of course, but in life, you meet people and sometimes you lose them, unfortunately.

Hope this helped a bit, and take care.
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Postby sunshine girl » Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:04 pm

I can understand that it might feel that all of your friends are excluding you but I think it's probably more likely that their lives are now just so different from yours that you don't have as much common ground anymore. Having children (especially when they're young) is pretty all consuming, to the point where pretty much everything else in your life can be put on hold due to lack of time, money or downright exhaustion!

Maybe your friends are telling the truth when they say they can't afford to go on the nights out you try to organise? If you are trying to organise nights out that are identical to ones you had 'in the old days' (ie pre children) then I'm not that surprised that a lot of your friends couldn't make it.

Perhaps your friends have picked up on the fact that you don't seem to enjoy yourself at gatherings anymore (with all the talk of babies) or think that they are too boring for you now that they have settled down and you are still able to go out and do what you want?

Perhaps you could try suggesting some get togethers that would allow them to bring the kids? All getting together for a big picnic/BBQ or something like that? The kids could play together and the adults can sit around and chat.

Obviously it is totally your choice if you don't want to have children and to be honest I for one think it's better that you only have kids if you really want them, not half heartedly because you think that's the 'normal' thing to do. So I wouldn't listen to your friend at all, he want kids, you don't, neither of you are wrong.

I think your best bet is to accept that things will always be different from now on with this set of friends and go about finding some new couples to do the more adventurous nights out. Is there anybody at work or down the gym that you could get friendly with? Maybe reconnect with some old friends through Facebook or something? I am 25 and have a big group of friends of a similar age, none of whom are married or have kids so there are plenty of us out there! I do think it would be worth trying to preserve the friendships with your old friends though, their kids won't be small forever and if you ever did change your mind (not that I' suggesting you should) you might be grateful for their words of wisdom!
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Re: The baby club

Postby retrochav » Tue Apr 29, 2008 7:12 pm

Its an interesting one this, as when i had kids in my care all my mates froze me out - except the true mates.

There are two ways around this conundrum. Either you intergrate yourself into the group more by playing aunt and uncle, babysitting from time to time and having cosey nights in with your mates, picnics in the park etc....

.... or accept that the bonds are weaker at the momment and branch out alone. You and your partner could invest in work place friendships, or do an evening course that will put you in contact with others who have similar interests.

Either way its best never to burn bridges, so keep the contact with your friends whatever they choose. If they question your choices tell them that you enjoy being aunt and uncle too much and fear your own kids would distract from the joy of being with theirs.

No one forced them to be parrents, and no one should force you two either. Its damn hard work, and a thankless task for much of the time - just as much as it can be a joy and a rewarding experiance. Let no one tell you different. You guys have made the right choice for the here and now. If things change they change, if not then it doesnt matter.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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