confused

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confused

Postby ti.amo » Tue May 20, 2008 9:00 pm

ok, this is confusing, and i was just wondering whether this makes sense

ages ago, in early january time, she 'opened up' to me that her dad was abusing her. against all sense etc - i had a master plan to get her to move in with me in the spare bedroom to get away from her family - ignoring the legal aspect, the conveniant aspect (we dont go to the same school anymore, her school is as good as inaccessible) the asking my parents bit, financial aspects... i didnt care. she was my friend, and i wasnt gonna let her down. so, every othr night id get up at 2am and secretly pack away the stuff in the spare room to make some space for her. i now realise how silly this was, but still, i just want to mentio how seriously i take abuse, and how close i (thought) we were

she had a messy break up with her boyfriend (when i was still dating her good friend, and her ex's best mate) ok, next point (sorry, this will take forever to type) i really didnt like the guy i was dating (at this point we had been going out for a month or so) but she was so depressed, and me going out with him was like the only thing that really made her happy (she set us up) so i stayed with him, and his really crappy mates who would NOT stop making fun of me *sigh* (im an unpopular person, he is, it was hardly a match made in heaven) i then fell for one of my bf's best mates (another bloke) and the feelings seemed to be mutual, but i made it perfectl clear that i a) wouldnt cheat on someone or b) even if i did break up with my bf, i wouldnt go out with him, because gong out with an ex's best mate is just against my morals.

at my best mates birthday party - i had (eventually) broken up ith my bf, but he was still friends with her, so he was invited too, as well as the guy i (still) liked - my friend didnt know half the guys she invited, but over the past few months had become boy OBSESSED. she couldnt talk about anything else, and i was really bored of listening to her, so the friendship kind of dwindled because conversation has be between two people, rather than one person ranting on how 'totally hot' this guy was...

i had to leave an hour earlier, and from several mutual friends i was emailed the next day asking what was up, because as soon as i left she was 'all over' the guy i liked - strange, considering she even said before he arrived that she wasnt going to 'check him out or anything because i know you like him' i then got another email from the man himself - asking if she had a crush on me and that could i ask her how she felt because he was really uncomfotable with it

i sent her an e-mail, but i probably sounded too concerned as the person that likes him as opposed to finding out for his sake - as well as mentioning that she doesnt say so much about whats going on in her life anymore (i didnt mention that it was since she got her first boyfriend, i can see that wouldnt have gone down too well lol)

i got a very moody reply back stating that (despite the moving in thing) the 'relationship' was one sided, im selfish, self absorbed etc. i know i have a lot of faults, everyone dos, but i always put extra effort into relationships. among my group of friends at school ive earned the title 'mommy' because i do so much - its all i have as an amiable quality, and it hurt really badly to have her take that for granted. i just didnt reply, blocked her from msn, and generally avoided talking to her without it being obvious that i avoided her. it was fine, except she would send an email every month or so with some half-hearted apology (im not just being bitchy - they were those silly chain mail things, where im supposed to feel special that she only sent it to me)

the guy i brokeup with proceeded to go out with one of the mutual friends that told me about the 'incident' (after a couple of other girlfriends *ahem*) and eventually found one girl who he seemed really happy with, and had been going out with her for over six months

my (ex)best friend was making firneds with both her and her group of friends. she was starting to get a reputation for being 'easy' and despite the fact that i was still trying not to talk to her, i was still toying with the dea that i might be able to warn her without sounding bitchy/selfish... i decided against it in the end

then, about a month ago, while my ex was still dating this 'special' girl and my (ex)best mate was good friends with her, my friend invites him back to her place while her parents were out and... well, yea, ill leave that to your imagination. he promptly dumped his girlfriend, with my friend saying that she 'didnt want him to break up with her, but oh well' which makes no sense

after he persued her for a relatively short amount of time, they started going out (and still are) and here's where im confused. this shouldnt hurt me, because he was a really bad boyfriend, is a really bad person, and just generally not worth the effort. im not speaking to her, and except for a brief msn convo where i forgot to block her, i havent spoken to this friend proerly for nearly a year. i dont know why i feel so crappy, and i dont know what to do, i hate feeling sorry for myself. i thought it just wasnt the done thing to go out with your best mates ex, or vice versa - ?

and, is she being shallow? is she, they, hurting loads of people, or am i just over reacting? i cant talk to her, because she doesnt know everything that im angry about - and at the moment, we havent had a proper 'argument' so technically its still amicable, i want to avoid saying (anything more) stupid or hurting her - despite the past year, we were still best friends for 6 years.

sorry this post is so long, and im sorry if it sounds really one sided and like i can do no wrong or something - i know i must of messed up somewhere because youdont have someone just turn around and be nasty for nothing... right?

any help would be much appreciated xxxx
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Postby Bel Bel » Wed May 21, 2008 11:39 am

It sounds liek you both never asked each other how you were feeling and therefore made all sorts of assumptions and the friendship slipped away.

There are two issues

1 - if you want to be firends with her again then ask her to meet up for a coffee or whatever and say you want to catch up. If you do this you either need to talk out what happened or forget it forever (you can't go back and change it)

2 - if you no longer like this boy and some time has passed why is it such a problem she is with this boy. Your not like best friends anymore so she probably doesn't see it as an isuue. The fact he dumped on another girl is not really your problem. The girl obviously wasn't that special or he wouldn't have been tempeted to go off in the first place.
Last edited by Bel Bel on Fri May 23, 2008 9:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby retrochav » Wed May 21, 2008 11:35 pm

It seems to me that you are desperatly trying to care for everyone else and not giving yourself enough care and attention.

As you have found, sometimes people dont give back half the friendship they recieve. Neither your ex friend or the ex boyfriend seem to have much to offer in the friendship stakes.

Yes, your ex friend needed support to cope and deal with abuse at home, but the best way to help would be to encourage her to talk to an appropriate adult for counselling and advice. Childline would be your best bet. Ultimately, it is a choice for her to make, and beyond giving her the advice there isnt much more you could do.

My advice would be to focus your love and concern for those who give love and concern back. If you dont, you will feel burnt out, abused and bitter - I am saying this as a person who lived much as you are doing for many years.

It was only when i put my care and affection to those who care back that i found true fulfilment.
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Postby lilessexgal » Thu May 22, 2008 3:39 pm

retrochav i think has got it spot on. couldnt of put it better myself.

i think you worry about other people too much. you need some time to yourself.

maybe you could go out with other friends?
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