Friendship Changes... Didn't Know It Was Odd

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Friendship Changes... Didn't Know It Was Odd

Postby New_Hat_Old_Boots » Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:02 am

Hey There All

Just felt the need to through this out there and get a little feedback if possible. Heres the basics before i begin.
I'm in my mid 20s and living with a couple (my two best friends) and have done for years. Myself and the girl "Jane" have had a very intamate friendship lying on the sofa together, going out for meals together and sleeping in the same bed sometimes after a nightout (nothing sexual but occasionally cuddle).

So Jane and her boyfriend Steve recently decided to and are having a kid, which I am really happy about. Anyway since this all the "closeness" in are friendship has stopped, which has left me feeling well dumped.

All my life I've had close female friends and had relationships like this one, close and intimate. So when my friendship all of a sudden changed I didn't know what to think I thought I'd done something wrong. After a long talk with a close friend who is also close to the situation it seems that I maybe a little messed up or have been messed around.

The friend i spoke with has spoken to Jane in the past about our friendship and how it was inappropriat and was leading me on. I never felt lead on (but i was aware that I have used my females friends in the past as a kind of substitue for real intamace - Better with friends than girlfriends ) but possible, maybe taken-advantage-of, an ego bust. Have the other friends i've had in the past just been doing the samething! using me as a ego bust, leading me on? if so what does that say about me?

The friend i was talking to, we'll call her Lucy (just as a foot note I only actually have two female friends Jane and Lucy all my other friends are guys)... were was I, ah Lucy I think thought i was kidding at first but then she saw that i was actually SERIOUS I didn't know that friendships between a guy and a girl (straight that is) aren't usually like the one Jane and I had.
-Now before you start I can tell the difference between been friends and thats all and chen theres chemestry there, that spark of attraction when neither of you have built up the courage to take things further.

They do sleep in eachothers beds, lay arm-in-arm on the sofa all day.... I don't know its odd, I guess its like finding out theres been this big joke going on all my life and i kinda knew it was there but never quite got the punchline; which turns out to be me. ya know?! That plus the fact I feel like i've been rejected, dumped and I'm have to keep living in my Ex's place till i can find somewhere to live has really messed with me and i'd like a little imput is anybody can make sense

...Sorry about the rant
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Postby all_apologies » Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:46 am

Okay, so just to make sure I got this right... you're a straight guy living with a straight couple. You've always had an intimate friendship with the girl, and that's stopped since she got pregnant with her boyfriend?

I would assume that Jane knew that it maybe wasn't quite right to be so intimate with another straight male who wasn't her boyfriend. I completely agree that friends can be that close, but I'm sure her boyfriend wouldn't be best pleased about it all the same. I'm assuming he didn't know that you guys would sleep in the same bed from time to time etc?

Anyway, perhaps upon getting pregnant, she's started to take her relationship with her boyfriend more seriously and feels that she can't be so intimate with you as another straight male anymore as she wants to devote herself to her new family. I doubt if it's a reflection on you as a friend, but on her as someone who wants to settle down and be careful about how her actions with others may be perceived.

You could always have a little chat with her saying you miss how close the two of you were and how she's been a little distant lately or something along those lines. Yet I do think you should try to just get used to not being so physically intimate anymore. As I say, I know it can be harmless within a friendship, but at the same time it's not really fair on her partner and new baby for her to be so physically close with another man.

As an aside, no I don't think all friendships between straight males and females are like this, and you should be careful if all of your friendships with girls are turning out like this. It's a two-way thing; you have to respond for the intimacy for it to continue, so it should be relatively easy to put an end to. It's not necessarily an ego-boosting thing on their part. Being close with someone is nice, but there should always be a line drawn as to how far you can take it if you truly only want to be friends, especially if one or both of you has a partner.
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Postby New_Hat_Old_Boots » Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:17 am

all_apologies wrote:I would assume that Jane knew that it maybe wasn't quite right to be so intimate with another straight male who wasn't her boyfriend. I completely agree that friends can be that close, but I'm sure her boyfriend wouldn't be best pleased about it all the same. I'm assuming he didn't know that you guys would sleep in the same bed from time to time etc?


Thanks for the reply and i get what you mean, I'm aware that I've also let this happen as much as she has. But as for the boyfriend think, no he knew everything about. For instance he took to watching films on my PC in my room and falling asleep on my bed and not waking up and believe me i tried so I'd sleep on the sofa. After this happening a time or two he just turned round and said just go sleep in my bed with Jane. Or If they invited friends up for the weekend, the Friends would take Jane and his bed and he'd sleep of the sofa and Jane with me.
I just though 'oh, ok' didn't seem strange to me and as it wasn't to him I figured it was the norm.

Jane's been pregnant a few months now and since things changed I've been spending a lot more time by myself. Keep a bit of distance from them, they need to be getting it that parenting mindset and me time to adjust (if that's the word). Just the past few weeks I can see these changes starting to set, become permanent and its freaked me a little; knowing things will never be the same... I know we all have to change but hell don't mean i have to enjoy it
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Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jul 08, 2008 9:32 am

Well I'm not surprised you thought the behaviour was ok becasue obviously they did too
I can see why becoming parents may have changed their view however
Like you say you don't have to like it but it looks like you going to have to get used to it
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Postby New_Hat_Old_Boots » Fri Jul 11, 2008 1:47 am

I understand that it all has to change and should change.
..Guess I felt like i needed to air it, to "nobody" if you understand.
But thankyou very much for your advise, itsd noce to know know i'm not completely crazy
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Postby all_apologies » Fri Jul 11, 2008 11:02 am

Well that puts a slightly different slant on it, and I can see why you're upset. You obviously have a very trusting relationship with the boyfriend too before he's happy for you to share a bed with his girlfriend etc. Maybe, as I said before, it's just a case of them wanting to settle down and be a bit more responsible now that they're becoming parents. If the kid's going to be growing up in the flat you're in now, maybe they think it's best that he or she doesn't see their mum being so intimate with another man.

I also think that this may be for the best for you too. I know it must be a kick in the teeth, but if it's hurt you that much then maybe it's a sign that you were a bit too attached to her. If you put an end to that now it saves you more hurt in the long run. Potential girlfriends of yours might also not have been too happy with your current arrangement (if you were my boyfriend I'd probably not be too happy about it even if i knew it was totally innocent). It's nice to be close to your friends, but if you're foregoing intimacy with an actual girlfriend, then it's likely a sign that your friendship is crossing a line that should be saved for romantic relationships.
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