Mending best friendships to a certain extent ..

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Mending best friendships to a certain extent ..

Postby cyrus1987 » Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:31 pm

Hi Guys

This is my first time here so I hope to get good and helpful answers. I am a 21 yo male, at University and have done 2 years at uni. I am going to break-down my problem in a very simple manner and it starts as follows:

1st year:

We were 3 best friends (2 of them were going out) .. we hung out together 24/7 like I mean did everything together for eg. eat food, study together sometimes and everything else apart from the sexual stuff obviously. I knew about their relationship and helped them to fix stuff whenever they had fights etc so in a way, I was agony aunt for them!

Now to their personalities:

Me: Kind, submissive in terms of doing things for people, judgemental at times, confused, laugh everything off as a joke, paranoid about everything and not taken seriously by people.

The guy: Dominating, a bully sometimes, always wanted his way, racist sometimes, dwell on the same jokes for a long time, short-tempered, thought that best friends should stick together 24/7 and do everything together and I think you got the picture.

The girl: Depressed at times, dwelling on the same jokes as well, trying to act cool in a way I didnt like (for eg. acting all ghetto when ur not), not socialising with the people I socialise, dependent on her BF a lot and i think u got a simple outline of her personality.

2nd Year:

Me and the guy best friend moved into a house with our other 2 guy friends. The girlfriend lived at our house for most of the time and eventually moved in. The guys who moved in with us grew close and did everything together. So there was a clear divide between them and us. I liked this at first and the reason fo that I thnk was because I was being possessive and selfish about my best friends.

However, over the months, the other 2 guys started resenting the girlfriend because she paid no bills etc. They also felt that because the girl friend lived there, my guy best friend didnt come out with them. Both of my best friends didnt go out much because they dont like clubbing but I went out nonetheless. I however, started preferring these 2 guys over my best friends because it was more fun, they were more relaxed, they werent racist, we didnt have to do everything together and by hanging out with them I got to meet more people. I started hanging out with these people more and started avoiding my best friends. I stopped speaking to them without telling them the real reasons. I was a much happier person and people told me that. I broke out of the '3 of us' pact and started hanging out with other people. However, one of my best friends (at this point, for me he was just a friend) asked me why I was acting weird and I just said I changed. He said that does the change involve not talking to your best friends and I said no. I said it was just a phase and was sorry if I hurt you. I stopped liking both of them and so did the other 2 guys. We did things wihtout them and bitched about them. The 2 people felt left out and didnt really hang out with us. However the guy best friend did say that he felt out etc etc and made an effort with us but its just his personality was annoying. We hung out with him but got bored nonetheless.

I personally always avoided situations where it was just 3 ofu s again and they felt this. Now the thing is that my 2 former best friends call/text my other 2 new best friends and ignore me completely. Like this will sound childish but they're on vacation right now and they wrote on the other 2 guys facebook and not mine. They just are really cold to me now. I know they are treating me the same way I treated them before but I really dont want this. I want to mend things. I dont want to be best friends again but I mean I just want things to be harmonious.

I ll be honest as no one really knows me here but I was kind of the one instigating my new best friends against them 2. If the former best friends did anything to pi** us off then I would dwell on it and make it look worse than it seems. I dunno what I have done. I really do repent the things I have done. I feel I am evil and not a true person. I tend to get paranoid about stuff and stress myself on it. I remain upset and dont want that to happen. Do I need to see a psychology/psychiatrist?

Please help and tell me what I should do? Should I mend the friendships? If I tell them the real reasons then they'll be truly disappointed and hurt but then what should I do?

Anyone reading this can add me to msn as well or ask me to clarify on any points they are unsure about on here. Any advice will be appreciated.

Sorry for this long ass message but I mean I cant explain it properly. It is a very complicated problem.
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Postby miaow » Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:10 pm

Hi,

Think it is just a lesson to be learned i am afraid. If you werent so keen on your former 2 best friends why were you with them in the 1st year - they probably felt used, then you completely ignored them which made them feel outcast.

I dont know if they did anything nasty to you as a person, which would be acceptable for you to dump them and find new friends, but maybe you could of either

a) all been mates ( you say they dont like going out so they prob wouldnt have come out with you and 2 new mates but also they wouldnt have felt left out)

b) had a word with them about the things you had an issue with ie racist remarks from the guy.

We all move on through life and we all change and make new friends, but we just have to make sure we dont hurt people's feelings in the process, which i think you have done here - and that has resulted in you ending up being left out.

Try to talk to them, invite them out with new friends, try to make amends, show them your sorry you cut them out of your life so abruptly - be nice!! You dont have to go out with them every night, just be pleasant and friendly. People usually have friends, and then acquaintance's who they chat to and make small talk and are nice too - but dont see all the time.

you dont have to spend 24/7 with anyone, have a mixture of friends and dont rely on people rely on yourself and have friends there for company.

Hope it all works out :)

x
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Postby cyrus1987 » Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:56 pm

Well I mean they kind of bossed me around and us hanging out together prevented me from socialising with other people. I am living with them next year so I just want everything harmonious.

I hung out with them in the first year because it was fine ... i was close to them and thought I only had them until I met new people.

I dunno what to do really .. should I try and talk to them?? Will probably be on msn i m afraid!
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Postby miaow » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:14 pm

yeah, id talk to them face to face though to show your making the effort.
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Postby cyrus1987 » Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:30 pm

thanks.

any more advice will be much appreciated.
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Postby Beckie » Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:01 am

making the effort face to face will definately help. I've been in similar situations and to be honest, you might feel like you're wasting your time at first, but don't give up and eventually you'll all find a way to be civilised with eachother even if going back to how you were isn't an option.

Although you have made mistakes it can't be easy for you that they are a couple; its easier to win back one persons trust than two people who will always side with eachother no matter what. I think for that reason you should try talking to both of them individually rather than attempting to make conversation in a three..

xx
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Postby cyrus1987 » Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:39 am

Yeah I will talk to them individually and never together. Will see if I want to talk to them face to face or over msn.
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:38 pm

Hi, I agree you should try talking to them. It should be easier talking to each of them individually so I'd start doing so if I were you. They may act coldly at first but it's better than not doing anything and regretting later. Maybe you feel a bit more "free" than you used to be before as both of them used to sort of prevent you from socialising with other people.

There's nothing wrong with going around getting to know more people but try to patch things up. I don't think I'd feel happy if one of my best friends suddenly started talking to everyone else and stopped talking to me. Nice to know you're at least trying to patch things up. Good luck and hope this helps!
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