Impudence?

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Impudence?

Postby Still_in_Chains » Mon Jul 21, 2008 9:46 am

If you do a kind thing for a friend that they didn't expect which they thank you for but then they ask you for something more, do you think they're being impudent?
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Postby snail » Mon Jul 21, 2008 10:17 am

Not necessarily - it depends on the circumstances. Can you give us some more details?
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Postby Still_in_Chains » Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:15 pm

Recently, my husband was sorting out his computer files and backing up data on our separate hard drive. I was monitoring this lengthy process and while it was happening, I began looking through old photos on our hard drive.

One of the photos was of my friend, taken 8 years ago with her partner. We’re former school friends and have had sporadic contact over the last 8 years since we reconnected. My friend used to be her partner’s caregiver until he had to go into a nursing home due to his dementia/Alzheimer’s, not quite sure which it was. Sadly, he died recently.

I found this photo and thought it would be a lovely thing to send her so I transferred it to my phone and sent her it via MMS so she could save it as a screensaver or wallpaper on her phone.

She thanked me for it via text and then requested that I print the photo out for her. I thought it was massive assumption that I would be able to do that especially since our printer is a very old but reliable B&W jobbie and any images printed look like widely spaced dots; it’s only good for text, certainly not good for what she requested. Plus, if we did have a decent (colour) printer, I’d have already printed and posted the photo. She would never have needed to ask.

I replied I wouldn’t be able to as our printer was pants and I said that I’d copy the file onto a disk for her to take to Boots or another photo processing shop.

It just niggled me that my simple gesture seemed insufficient and I was surprised at her boldness in asking for me to print it out. It’s not something I would dare do if someone already made such a kind gesture, but then, that’s me *shrugs*
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Postby snail » Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:54 pm

Well, I can understand how you feel: you have that warm feeling of doing something nice, and then the other person implies it's not nice enough and actually you should have done more. But, reading your post I think your friend just asked you to print the picture without really thinking it through - she probably saw it on her phone and thought how wonderful it was, and then thought "Ohh I must have a real copy of that" and so automatically asked you to print one. She may not have been able to get the image off her phone (I can't get images off my phone on to my PC: I haven't got the correct card thingy). I'm sure she never thought about what printer you had or anything like that - remember this must have been a rather emotional moment for her. She just asked for something she needed. She was thinking about herself and not about what was or wasn't the 'right' thing to do, and if it was an important photo to her I'm sure you can forgive her.
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Postby misskrystal » Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:16 pm

That's a pretty tiny favour to ask of someone (I'm not really sure it even classes as a favour tbh). All you did was send a picture to her, hardly inconveniencing yourself. She probably just thought that since you'd sent the picture with your phone, you wouldn't mind printing it and posting it to her and she obviously didn't know what type of printer you had.

If you really feel that she's being impudent, don't do anymore 'favours'. I'm not trying to be rude, but you hardly did anything to begin with, so your friend asking you to do an actual favour doesn't seem like a big deal at all to me.

As for the original question, I'd have to say it depends on the situation. Sometimes someone may need two favour in quick succession, then may not ask again for years. It just depends on circumstance.
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Postby all_apologies » Mon Jul 21, 2008 8:33 pm

I don't want to sound harsh either, but I totally agree with misskrystal, and think you're blowing this out of proportion. Yes, you did something nice, and by the sounds of it, your friend was appreciative. She liked the picture so much she wanted a hard copy. If a friend said something like "oh, that's a good one, I'll have to get you to print it" to me, I wouldn't think twice about it.

Granted, your friend probably doesn't realise that it's not easy for you to print the photo off for her, and I doubt she would have asked you to print it if she thought you'd have to go all the way to Boots to do so. Why don't you offer to email her the fullsize instead, and tell her that you don't have a photo printer, but if she's got the file she can do it herself?

It definitely was a nice thought to send the photo, but at the same time it's not like she's asked something big of you. Especially considering the circumstances and how precious photos like that probably are to her. I don't think anyone should take advantage of their friends, but little things like printing off pictures is just what you do for each other in a friendship. Furthermore, you sent her the photo off your own back so it wasn't really a 'favour' in the first place. A nice gesture shouldn't be seen as something that needs to be repaid or take the place of a real favour. I think you're maybe being a wee bit sensitive about it.
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Postby Still_in_Chains » Mon Jul 21, 2008 11:27 pm

Oh my gosh, talk about being seriously misunderstood!

Snail was the only one who understood perfectly
snail wrote:Well, I can understand how you feel: you have that warm feeling of doing something nice, and then the other person implies it's not nice enough and actually you should have done more.


Thank you snail for understanding so well and your input. It’s very much appreciated and thank you also for your suggestion that perhaps my friend didn’t really think it through and, as misskrystal acknowledged, that she probably didn’t realise I don’t have an appropriate printer. You also mentioned her phone, snail, so I agree that she probably is unable to get photos off her phone because she doesn’t have a computer.

Misskrystal, sending the photo to her via MMS was not an inconvenience in the slightest. The moment I saw it I knew she’d love it but I was unable to do what she further asked of me. Like I wrote in my second post, “… if we did have a decent (colour) printer, I’d have already printed and posted the photo. She would never have needed to ask.

The option of printing the photo (in colour) isn’t available to me which is why I sent it via MMS as I know she has a media phone.

She doesn’t have an email address because she doesn’t have a computer so although it was a good suggestion, all_apologies, I’m unable to email her the file. I would have already done so had that been the case.

all_apologies wrote:but little things like printing off pictures is just what you do for each other in a friendship.


I agree but only if one has the means to do so which I already said I haven’t.

all_apologies wrote:Furthermore, you sent her the photo off your own back so it wasn't really a 'favour' in the first place. A nice gesture shouldn't be seen as something that needs to be repaid or take the place of a real favour. I think you're maybe being a wee bit sensitive about it.


I never said anything about favours, misskrystal did. I also never said I wanted repaying for the initial gesture or for anything further. I was just saying that what I did all I was able to do with technology I had available to me but I felt disappointed that I was asked for more, by way of an actual photo, when I was unable to give more. The only thing I was able to do, as she wanted an actual photo, was to copy the file to a disk and post it to her (which I did this morning) in the hope that she may know someone else who is able to print it for her or maybe take it to Boots.
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Postby lidopig » Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:06 am

As you say she doesn't have a computer,she probably doesn't understand the ramifications of sending a picture.I really can't see what she's done wrong at all. My biggest concern is your reaction.
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Postby Still_in_Chains » Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:38 am

lidopig wrote:As you say she doesn't have a computer,she probably doesn't understand the ramifications of sending a picture.I really can't see what she's done wrong at all. My biggest concern is your reaction.


I felt inadequate. I felt that my initial gesture wasn't good enough :(
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jul 22, 2008 9:59 am

I'm sure your friend appreciated it SO much that she thought since you had the photo you might be able to print it off for her. You said she doesn't have a computer, she may not understand what you need to do in the first place. Also someone else said she obviously wont have realised that you only have a B&W printer. I don't really see why you are feeling that what you did was unappreciated. I am sure that it would be appreciated and if she didnt like it she wouldnt have asked for the photo. Just put the photo on a CD so she can get it printed off herself!

I think if one of my friends sent me a photo that I really loved and meant so much to me I would ask for them to print it off or to send it to me, then I can display it nicely.
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:02 am

Having read the thread I think that you have reacted with guilt that you couldn't do more, so you initially felt inadequate. Not a nice way to feel and so you have blamed your friend for "making" you feel that way.
I think you need to work on being able to say "No" without the guilt and anger?

You did a nice thing by sending the pic, but your own explanattion demonstrates why she asked you to print it for her, take the initial feeling of wanting to do a good thing one step further and show her/ help her find a way to get a hard copy, (which you have done).

One quick way to get past this in the future is to examine LOGICALLY what her motivation in asking you was. Did she aim to upset you? NO did she want a copy of the pic for her wall YES.

Do you see there was no reason to be upset by her request?
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Postby Still_in_Chains » Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:06 am

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:Just put the photo on a CD so she can get it printed off herself!


I already did that the moment she asked me to print the photo.

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:I think if one of my friends sent me a photo that I really loved and meant so much to me I would ask for them to print it off or to send it to me, then I can display it nicely.


Really? I think that's where you and I differ. I wouldn't have dared ask.
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:17 am

So if your husband died sudenly and a friend sms'd you a photo that you absolutely loved, you wouldn't ask for a further copy of it? You would rather sit home alone and dwell on the fact that you cant have the photo, when a friend wouldnt think twice about being offended by a friend who was upset/grieving asking for a photo?
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Postby Still_in_Chains » Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:22 am

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:So if your husband died sudenly and a friend sms'd you a photo that you absolutely loved, you wouldn't ask for a further copy of it? You would rather sit home alone and dwell on the fact that you cant have the photo, when a friend wouldnt think twice about being offended by a friend who was upset/grieving asking for a photo?


No, I wouldn't have asked. I would have appreciated the photo being MMSed to me.

These feelings are probably due to the way I was brought up, my mother often said to my brother's and I, "You'll get what you're given and you'll like it." We didn't DARE express a preference to something other than we were given. We weren't given a choice in the matter. We'd get a roasting if we tried.
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Postby Yellowcoaching » Tue Jul 22, 2008 10:32 am

And did you think that attitude was ok?
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