How do approach a friend you have fallen out with...

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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How do approach a friend you have fallen out with...

Postby theicequeens2008 » Fri Nov 07, 2008 2:57 pm

I work with this Guy, and we were really good friends.

I no this is bad, but he is married and we had a bit of a fling. about 4 weeks ago now i ended our relationship as we work together and i was concentrating more on him than my work, and i am now in a bit of trouble about it as my work has slipped. I told him that its best if we were just work friends... anyways... 2 weeks ago today his wife received a letter saying he had been cheating on her. He brought this letter into work on monday to show our manager. A few days later a few of my colleagues told me that he thinks i sent it to her. I explained to him via e-mail that it wasnt me. But he ignored it. I then got HR involved as it turn a little nasty, and I started to go through a bullying and harassment process. (don’t wanna explain it all, but stuff happened and this needed to be done)

He explained to HR that he doesnt think it was me, and that he never said that. Other people had been saying that! So i dropped it.

Its now been a week and a half and we havent spoken at all. Iv been in tears nearly everyday (havent let him see that). I cant sleep or eat.

I really wanna talk to him and there is an atmosphere and its not good. I just want us to have a working relationship, he has been told thats what i want.

If anyone can give me some advise on how i should approach this situation it would be great.

I think its going to be up to me to make the first move, as he is a very stubborn person.

So if anyone has any advise, please can you help me.

Thank You
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Nov 07, 2008 3:01 pm

Well to be honest he was doing the dirty on his wife he deserves to be in trouble with her.

But from your point of view, how about a small e-mail saying sorry, I never meant to cause you any trouble thats why I broke it up with you and I promise you I never sent the letter. Maybe send an e-card with your apology inside?

That way you have done your thing and its up to him.

My question is, if HE says he doesn't think it was you who sent the letter then WHY is he avoiding you?

Who else knew?
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Postby theicequeens2008 » Fri Nov 07, 2008 3:09 pm

Hey,

The thing with him is that he is quite immature.

On Monday I sent him an e-mail saying I want us to okay with each other. As he used to sit opposite me, but as this has all happened iv been moved back a seat and he's been moved over the other side of the office!

He ignored this e-mail and im pretty sure he told our office manager I sent him and e-mail as things have happened that suggest this. (he now sits opposite her)

I was a little annoyed by this and on Tuesday when i had to ask him to do something for me, as he is the only one who access. I didnt want to talk to him so i put a sticky note asking him and placed it on his desk. Then on Wednesday i heard him telling our office manager that i had chucked it at him. Later that day i confronted him and he completely blanked me. I then decided to let HR know what i had done as i knew he would go down and tell him, and i was right 30 mins after i had been to HR i saw him going there!

So I would like to send him an e-care or something, but as has done the above two things im afaired he will go tell again... see how immature he is. oh by the way hes in his earlie 30's!!

I dont no why he is being like this.

Two people on my team knew who trust.
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Postby snail » Fri Nov 07, 2008 3:25 pm

I wouldn't send him an e-card or any more emails: everything you do will just add fuel to the fire now. You've told him it wasn't you who sent the letter, now I think you should just leave it. You can't control how he behaves, he'll have to sort this out himself.

Be very polite but distant: eventually you'll probably be able to get a basic working relationship back. I doubt you'll get your friendship back after all this. :(
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Postby theicequeens2008 » Fri Nov 07, 2008 3:34 pm

Yeh i no it would add fuel to the fire by doing that sort of thing, and iv learnt not to. what i do wanna do is talk to him, maybe just say hi and see what happens i dont no!

I dont ever want a friendship from him again. I just want a working realationship where you come in sit down have a laugh and a joke then go home. Thats all i want.

I dont think i can ever forgive him for this, he says he didnt tell people it was me, but i know him very well and im pretty sure he is lying, as i cant see how people would come up with the idea thereself's!

I just dont no how long its going to be before we talk, if i leave it up to him then it could be aaggeess.... maybe i cud start off by saying hi to him sometime next week.. what do u think??
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Nov 07, 2008 3:37 pm

Well if he has been saying/doing the things you said I'd ignore him.

I'm curious as to how is affair with you and the letter home, results in him getting you in trouble over post-it notes etc....the matter should have stayed personal. I think he's trying to go for the sympathy vote here when infact I'd say he is mostly in the wrong.
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Postby theicequeens2008 » Fri Nov 07, 2008 3:51 pm

Its hard to ignore someone that you really like, but i no overtime it will get earier!

Im not all inercent myself, as i do have a boyfriend!!!!!!

He should have never brought it into work, nothing to do with work!

The posted notes, he told our office manager that i was chucking work at him with sticky notes on them. I was stand near enought behind him so obviously i heard him, and because i was angry i confornted him, then thought that my actions could result to something, so i went to HR and they said i was right to confront him. I said im sure he will be down to tell you soon and im pretty sure he did!

This thing is a whole mess and i just want us to have a nice working relationship like i do with everyone else! But i cant see how its going to happen if hes going to tell our manager stuff like, shes trying to talk to me, she's chucking things at me. Come on this is behaviour not even a 10 year old would act like!

I think ill leave it till next week and just say hi when i see him and see where it goes, do you agree?
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Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Nov 07, 2008 4:18 pm

I'd ignore him. He may go telling a manager that you did something to him.
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Postby theicequeens2008 » Fri Nov 07, 2008 4:22 pm

Yeh and there just think hes an athetic little boy.

Im gonna take you advise and ignore him. He doesnt Deserve me talking to him, i no that im a much better person than him and thats all that matters!
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Postby lilessexgal » Fri Nov 07, 2008 5:11 pm

at the end of the day he cheated on his wife. already his wife knows it was someone at work even if she doesnt know it was you.

so i would ignore him unless he says hello or something because the more you try and get him to talk to you etc the more suspicious other people are going to come and his wife might even find out it was you he cheated on her with.

Like you say you have a boyfriend to. So i would just keep your distance
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