Friend lost her mam

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Friend lost her mam

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:36 pm

OMG my best friend has just told me her mam has died. I’ve obviously told her I’ll be there for her, she knows where I am if she wants, I’ll help the best I can etc…(she doesn’t have much family where we live)

Is there anything else I can do really? I know there probably isn’t but if there is please help.

She was either 44 – 46 (I don’t remember exactly how old); in a way I am pleased she has gone (please hear me out), my friend is 24, her mam started drinking when my friend was 2 years old and she’s made her life very difficult at times, in and out of hospital ALL the time. I am totally upset for my friend but also mildly relieved because she doesn’t have the worry over her head all the time, wondering if her mam is ok or not. I’m of course not ‘pleased’ she’s gone, I’m mildly pleased because it means my friend won’t have the cloud of “what if” hanging over her head. I feel like a witch for saying it now but I needed to say it to someone. Sorry.
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:45 pm

You know it's my second friend this year that it's happened to; but my other friend has a close family so they all weren't in such need of company.

Although I've known my friend 11-12 years I don't really know her mam. My friend has lived alone for 8 ish years and before that, her mam just used to sit in her bedroom with a bottle of vodka. The best I can do is just be there. I'm so gutted for her.
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby rufio89 » Tue Nov 18, 2008 1:56 pm

You're doing all you can. Dont worry about feeling relieved, if she was causing such pain for your friend, I'd imagine that she's feeling the same relief, but the guilt will obviously be worse.

Just make sure she knows you're there for her, whenever she needs you, that she can always rely on you, but dont push it with her; if she wants to be alone, or she doesnt want to talk about it, that might just be her way of dealing with things.

My friend lost his mum last november, and it was a horrible situation - she had cancer for several years, and he looked after her, and when she died he was left all alone, she didnt have any family on her side, he's never known his dad, and his sister has downs syndrome and was taken into care, and it's very difficult for him to make contact with her. After his Mum died, he went completely off the rails, it was impossible to talk to him, he was incredibly volatile, and anyone who offered help got burned. After a while, he calmed down and he's apologised to all of us and said that he really does appreciate all we did, so dont be suprised if your friend doesnt appear to want your help.

Also, make sure she's in touch with a grief counsellor.
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Postby morris mouse » Tue Nov 18, 2008 2:15 pm

Death is so final :( (that's why we go through so much when it happens to us.)

As "RuthForrest" has said,just make sure she knows you're there for her, whenever she needs you

I'm sure that you're doing your best for your friend,"dipsydoodlenoodle" in what is a rather difficult
situation.
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Nov 18, 2008 2:25 pm

I know one of my friends mam died a week before christmas a few years ago and I said the same to him and all he wanted was a tearful conversation.

My friend at the moment, I've told her I'm there if she needs me, she said she's staying at her grans for a while, so I've offered to feed her cat lol (she lives around the corner). I don't think she'll want company, she likes to deal with things on her own but I've done the best I can and she knows she can talk/sit in silence with me if she wants. All I can do is wait and see :)
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby lilessexgal » Tue Nov 18, 2008 5:33 pm

what more can a friend ask for other than what you are already do hun.
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Nov 25, 2008 10:58 am

Hey, I've a second question relating to this now. I saw my friend yesterday and she was telling me the funeral is Thursday at XX o'clock. Anyway she said "you can come if you want?".

Would you interpret that as a general throw away comment or more of a "would you come?".

Like I've said earlier I didn't really know her mam so well and I don't feel I should go, but then if my friend want's me to go for a bit of moral support away from family members then I'll happily go.

What are your opinions? I don't want to ask her and upset her, and I don't want to upset her by not going if she'd like me to go.
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby rufio89 » Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:03 am

Obviously it's hard to tell because we dont know her, is she the kind of person who will ask for help if she needs it? or does she hide away?

It sounds to me like she DOES want you to go, for moral support.
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:16 am

She generally shy's away from things, but if she needs help with things she will ask (i.e. I spent my evening building flat pack furniture for her). She's quite like me to be honest. I'd mention it but not expect friends to come, I'd be more focused on whats happening than friends being there.

She said her gran is being a bit clingy with her, her cousins and aunties and uncles are supporting her. Her dad lives the other end of the country and he is coming up for the funeral (although he always seems to put himself first; i.e. leaving before helping her put up flat pack furniture, making sure his furniture from her mams was packed in his car and leaving my friends furniture in the house). He does help her out of course, it's just he's not great!
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Nov 25, 2008 12:35 pm

i would go with her and show her how much you are their to support her
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby snail » Tue Nov 25, 2008 8:05 pm

I agree, I think unless it's very inconvenient or unpleasant for you, you should go.

If you didn't know her mum well, then she'll know you're there mostly for her, and that will mean a lot to her. Even if she's too absorbed to notice it at the time, she'll remember it later.

It sounds like your poor friend has had a really raw deal with both her parents.
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Re: Friend lost her mam

Postby peecee » Tue Nov 25, 2008 10:31 pm

She wants you to come, but she won't hold it against you if you don't.

Can you go without too much hassle? Then go, hun. She'll never forget it. :)

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