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Stuck in the middle

PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 2:53 pm
by Jonaslove
This ones a bit of a long problem!

Okay right so theres three of my friends involved in this lets call them B, T and R.

Right so im 16 now and have been BEST friends with T since we were like 4. We were inseperable and told each other everything never fought, proper best friends. Then we went to our secondry school together. This is where we both became friends with B and R and there were a couple more in our little group too but theres no problem with them . For like three years everything stayed the same, but in year nine me and T started not getting along as well as we used to and she started getting along with R better and i started getting on better with B. We sort of grew apart. She started considered R her best friend and I considered B mine.

But recently B is being so akward with me. She is not good in groups at all and never comes out when we go ina group, she makes up excuses all the time and even tells me afterwards that she wasnt really doing anything she just didnt want to go. And for about a year I was with her all the time and she used to talk about all of the others all the time. We had an argument a couple of weeks ago because i have started getting on really really well with T and R again and she said that she didnt like me talking to them! I told her that i have had enough and they are my friends just like she is im not replaceing her but i want to be able to talk to them still because i forgot how well we got on. She apologized and said that she cant rule my life she shouldnt have said it, but i know she didnt mean it and still hates me talking to them. Its like shes got to be my only friend. And it was like that for ages and i felt lonely. I want my friends back!!

I wish id made more of an effort with T before when we were growing apart and now i feel like and idiot. T and R are still best friends, and B calls me her best friend and i still call her mine, but were not really. I feel completely on my own now. T and R join me in all the time and we get on really really really well together but i just feel stupid for ever drifting from them.

I told them about B and how she was being with me and they agree that i shouldnt have to stay in while they go out just because B doesnt want to go out. R understands because she used to be best friends with B before she met us and she said B didnt like her having any other friends then either. She suggested i invite B out with me T and R. She said she would come but when she did just just stood there. I tried to join her in in the conversation but she just gave one word answers. IM SO FED UP WITH HER!

My mum says i have to be careful because shes very insecure so be kind to her. I try but its just so agrivating shes so stubborn. I feel like im stuck in the middle all the time now and really dont know how to make it fair to everyone including me! :(

Re: Stuck in the middle

PostPosted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 5:48 pm
by reckoner
Hey Jonaslove,

When you think about how you handle the situation with B, remember how much you regret letting things drift with T. Make sure you don't repeat your regrets. Although you may be fed up with B right now, you have also been each other's best friend. Maybe you all owe it to her as her friends to find out why she doesn't want to go out in groups and see if you, T and R can help.

I'm sure she can tell that you're fed up with her, and that doesn't help her to feel part of the group. Even if she is needy, clingy and wants you to be friends with her exclusively, she's good enough for you to have been friends with her up till now. Remind yourself of what you like about her and why she's been your friend. If she's insecure (which I'm sure she is), try to build up her confidence.

You shouldn't have to forego all your other friends to be friends with B, and she clearly knows that. She wouldn't have apologised if she didn't. Be honest with her about the difficulties she's creating for you, but don't be angry. Tell her that what you really want is for her to join in with everyone and that the group is better off with her in it.

I understand how she feels, I also feel really uncomfortable in groups, I totally lose confidence. Maybe one way to build up her confidence when she's with you all is to arrange to all meet together again, but this time spend time with her first, just the two of you. Make sure she's happy and relaxed before you hook up with T and R. She might enjoy being in the group more if she's already in a good mood and she might feel more confident if she has joined the group with you rather than on her own.

You've already discovered how easy it is to drift apart from friends and you've regretted it, so make sure you've done whatever you can to salvage this friendship with B before you let it go.

Good luck, it sounds like she needs a friend to help her through this.

Re: Stuck in the middle

PostPosted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 10:16 pm
by Jonaslove
Thank you for your reply :)

Pointing out that i dont want to repeat what happened with T. B's not talking to me at the moment so Im just hoping that she will listen to me and not want to lose me as a friend either!
Im going to try and talk to her tomorow
thanks again for your reply

Re: Stuck in the middle

PostPosted: Tue Jan 06, 2009 3:25 am
by reckoner
She's sounds like hard work. But for the sake of your friendship, and for your own peace of mind, try to be patient and understanding, as I'm sure you will without me saying it :) Don't give her a hint of a reason to feel bad towards you the way she seems to with others. She may do that anyway, just don't give her just cause.

Good luck, hope it works out