Page 1 of 1

Am I an idiot?

PostPosted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 7:19 pm
by confusionreigns

Re: Am I an idiot?

PostPosted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:16 pm
by reckoner
Hello confusionreigns,

I don't think you were manipulated, your friend was straight up about not wanting you to see him. I'm not saying she was being reasonable, just that there's no point in agreeing to her demand, only to then resent her for the fact that you agreed. It was up to you to find out what her reasons were in order to establish whether you were prepared to agree in the first place.

I think you need to be clear about what your bottom line is, in other words: are there any circumstances in which you'd agree to her request not to pick things up with him willingly? If there aren't, perhaps because she's spoilt and used to having her own way, then maybe you should consider how important this friendship really is to you.

If this friendship is important to you, you should give her the chance to explain herself, otherwise you'll only continue to resent her. You are well within your rights to expect an explanation for what she has asked of you. Once you have that (she is still in love with him and it would hurt her too much, for example), it's up to you to decide what's more important: your friendship, or this guy.

confusionreigns wrote:Would I have been a terrible friend if I just went on the date with him?

Well, if you did this, it would show that either your promises mean nothing, or that your friendship means nothing, or both.

I do think it's a lot for her to ask of you, but I also think you have to take responsibility for what you agree to. For the sake of the friendship, I'd deal with your friend first before you consider how to handle it with the guy (which I'm sure we'd all be glad to help with :) ).

Good luck, hope things work out for the best.

Re: Am I an idiot?

PostPosted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:41 pm
by reckoner
I've just re-read your post and noticed that the only reason you know this guy in the first place is through the friend in question. Whether it's right or wrong, if it were me, I'd be extremely hesitant and uncomfortable about starting a relationship with the friend of a friend if it were against my own friend's wishes. Call me old fashioned, but it just seems like a question of courtesy: I'd feel like I'd be treading on toes.

If you have a relationship with this guy, it sounds like it will interfere with whatever relationship he already has with your friend - one that existed before you came along. Perhaps he is unaware of your friend's feelings and knows no better than to ask you out, in which case you have more information than he does. So, again, it's down to how important your friendship is, and whether this guy is worth the aggravation your relationship with him will cause, not only between you and your friend, but between him and your friend.

Not sure I've been as lucid as I want, hope that makes sense! :)

Re: Am I an idiot?

PostPosted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:29 pm
by miaow
mates are more important then men. You can accept what she has said but maybe you could have asked her to justify it - ie as reckoner said is it because she is in love with him and it'd hurt her etc. If she cant provide a genuine reason then id go for it, if she is upfront and tells you WHY she doesnt want you going on a date with him then yeah I dont think I'd go either. It's obviously bugging you - ask her what her reason was, tell her you like him and wished you'd asked at the time why she asked you not to see him, but as you didn't and it's still niggling you your asking now. Might help to put it to rest in your mind.