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Getting blamed for my friend self-harming *long-ish*

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 8:19 pm
by Brighter
hey, wow I haven't posted here in a while!

So background info: I'm friends with this girl from the internet, and we're really close at the moment, and we talk a lot, on the phone, text, msn etc. And we're always there for eachother when we're feeling down or when we just need to talk to somebody... I've known her since about October and I've gone to visit her once (she lives two hours away) and this weekend I'm going to be staying with her for 2 nights, which I'm really looking forward to, because she's going through a rough time at the moment and I'm hoping to cheer her up!

The problem is, recently her mum has discovered that she's been self-harming. Her mum blames me for this and thinks that she got the idea of self-harming from talking to me (although, I am not a self-harmer and I wouldn't promote it either). When I visit her this weekend I know things are going to be terribly awkward because of this new development :( I didn't even know that my friend self-harmed until this week either! And I've made her promise that whenever she feels like doing it she has to call me and talk to me instead of hurting herself, because naturally I really don't want her to hurt herself anymore.

I really want to resolve any rift between me and her parents before it makes things worse. I was wondering if I should wait until this weekend to talk to her mum, or should I call (because I've got their home phone number) or should I just leave it? I know it's going to be a sore subject for them but I really really want them to know that I only want what's best for my friend too and that I've been helping her quit, not making her carry on with what she's doing! I've already met her mum once and at the time she said I was a nice girl and she wanted me to come round again, but after this...well she obviously doesn't want me in her house anymore!

Help :(

Re: Getting blamed for my friend self-harming *long-ish*

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:39 pm
by dogtan
I think you should encourage your friend to sit your mother down and explain clearly that self harm occurs as a result from deep rooted unresolved problems. People do not self harm because there friend told them too.

Your friend may find it useful to show her mother some litertaute on self harm or to put her in touch with an organisation who can help her to understand why her daughter does this.

If your friends mum is unable to understand this perhaps you should not vist there for a while as it would seem that she may need some space to come to terms with this. This may be difficult but your friends mother is probably looking to blame someone as a way of coping with the situation.

Re: Getting blamed for my friend self-harming *long-ish*

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:41 pm
by snail
I'm sure her mum knows in her heart the self-harm is nothing to do with you: it's just more comfortable for her to believe that her daughter was 'led astray' than accept that she is very unhappy, with the inevitable self-blame this would bring for her parents. As if someone would cut themselves because they got the idea from talking to someone else! That's ridiculous, and her mum must know that.

I wouldn't say anything unless specifically asked. Just behave as if you know nothing about it. If the subject does come up, just say what you've said here. Remember, you don't have to struggle to justify yourself, you've not done anything wrong. It seems her mum is trying to make you take some blame in order to feel better about herself, and that's her problem, not yours.

Re: Getting blamed for my friend self-harming *long-ish*

PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:43 pm
by snail
Sorry, Dogtan, your post wasn't there when I wrote mine! Great minds think alike, eh! :)