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Fell for and then out with Best Friend

PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 11:47 am
by jchilcott
Hi everyone,

I'm 28 and got out of a 4 year relationship with my girlfriend, who was horrible to me for the last 18 months, 2 months ago. If it wasnt for the support of my friends... especially my best friend Louise I never would have got through it. Anyway I found myself down in the dumps but I decided to spend more time with my friends to take my mind off things. About a month after my relationship ended I realised I'd started to have feelings for my friend Louise, now I've always thought she was gorgeous and we'd flirted over the time I'd been in my former relationship but we'd never crossed the line, we'd even joked about how we'd be as a couple. Anyway I didn't tell her at first because she'd started seeing this really nice guy called David, who is really a nice guy and initially when they told me they'd started dating i was a bit jealous that i might not see as much of her but I was genuinely happy for her. After we'd been for a meal and some drinks and we held hands going from one bar to another I actually realised, no this isnt just a rebound/crush thing I do actually like my best friend in more than a friend way, that night we ended up in bed together... didnt do anything other than kiss and hug and it was at that point i decided I would tell her the next day when sober. The next day I text her and explained how i felt (yes i know chicken) but instead of her freaking out she invited me around for a cup of tea and we spoke about how i felt and she told me she'd had feelings for me for ages but had, because of my relationship, given up and decided to look somewhere else for a relationship. I told her I didnt expect anything from her, she didnt have to decide if she wanted me straight away and we could just go on as normal. We met again in the week after twice, once for drinks once to go the cinema and I held her hand and we had a really good time, she asked me to go out for her birthday and when i asked who'd be going she said 'just us' even organised to go for something to eat the next day... so i thought maybe she's picked me. But it got to the weekend and she'd still not told me if she was interested or if i was being led on. Well friday night I got extremely drunk and rang my friend and basically at 1 am in the morning had it out with her on the phone... he heard all of it and not only did it upset her but him as well. The next day I woke up and though "oh my god what have i done", she phoned me to apologise for what she'd said to me and I said sorry for what i'd said to her. She said that she'd decided to stay with Dave because he was such a nice guy and was so supportive even after i phoned and kicked off and acused her of playing both of us. I even spoke to him the next day to say sorry and he said that he accepted my apology and that i shouldnt beat myself up, that you cant choose who you fall for, just it had come as a shock to him because we'd been friends for 5 years and that is what we'd been.

At the minute I told her I would give her some space and let her figure out if/how she wants me to fit into her life. She said she didnt want me out of her life and couldnt imagine her life without me in it just she doesnt think it'd be like it used to be because we'd go out drinkin, just the two of us and now with her boyfriend knowing how i feel, he may feel uneasy about the two of us being alone together... even in a crowded bar. My problem is I honestly don't know what to do for the best; should i try and go back to being friends with her, should i write her off because it'll be easier to all concerned? how much time should i give her to get her head together? Anyone! Advice Please!

Re: Fell for and then out with Best Friend

PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 7:21 pm
by caren
Just my opinion for what its worth...

that night we ended up in bed together... didnt do anything other than kiss and hug

I dont mean to be unfair to the girl but i dont think this is acceptable behaviour when she's going out with someone else, regardless of how unsure of her feelings she might have been. If she wanted to explore the possibility of having a relationship with you, she should have called it off with the other guy. It was unfair to you and him for her to give you boyfriend tryouts (kiss and cuddle, dates to cinema and out for drinks). Could you trust her if you were in a relationship with her? At the moment, she's holding all the cards, she has a boyfriend and a back up plan with you.

A lot of girls love having guys around who have feelings for them - its an ego boost. It may be more than this but the best way to find out is to see how she reacts if you drop off the radar for a while. Be careful not to be kept on the bench in case her current relationship doesnt work out - you sound like such a nice guy and you deserve to have someone give you their whole heart.

As for the friendship, I think you should back right off. When you get to a point where you dont have romantic feelings for her anymore, then you can be friends again. You're never really friends with someone when one of you wants more.

Re: Fell for and then out with Best Friend

PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 8:01 pm
by jchilcott

Thanks for you input. You've basically put what my friends have said to me but still doesnt help that fact that she'd been my friend for years and if i cant read her what chance do I have for being able to interpret what any woman wants. If anything this episode has hurt more than when my girlfriend and I broke up because not only have i lost her... but I've lost Louise too. When I told her how I felt, she was taken aback and that in her head she'd dreamed I'd say basically everything I did to her. Could I trust her if I were in a relationship with her? I think I would... more fool me eh.

I decided very quickly after this even, after speaking to her the day after that as upsetting as it is and as much of a blow it will be I think I'm gonna have to write off the possibility of us being anything more than friends because I would in essence be her second choice and noone should ever be that!

I have backed off. I haven't spoken to her for a week... which in itself is upsetting because we'd text all the time and since I broke up we'd speak on the phone or see each other each day. The worrying thing is, I'm still being upset by the fact their a couple so I'm guessin on your advice probably not a good idea to try and sort our friendship out. The terrible thing is, She told me once that she tells me about all her problems and all the troubles she's got and has yet to tell him any of this... as to not scare him off, I now feel responsible that she might be worrying and unable to talk to someone as I've been since our arguement. Plus its her birthday in two weeks and I've got her card but I'm also unsure how it'd be received if were not speaking.

Re: Fell for and then out with Best Friend

PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 10:53 am
by dipsydoodlenoodle
Back off her, she's chosen David. If you keep her as a friend I think you'll remain upset about it. If she decides David isn't for her then you are definately option 2, and no one deserves to be option 2.

As for her birthday and her card send her the card if you want but either post it though her door or send it in the post.

Re: Fell for and then out with Best Friend

PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 1:44 pm
by jchilcott

i'm actually gettin used to the idea of them together and it isn't bothering me as much as it did. i think the instant i gave up on her it became easier and as for me and her as a couple i'm starting to think i'm too good for her, perhaps thats sour grapes i don't know.

as for her birthday card i will just pop it in the mail. what's a stamp between friends lol .
thanks for
your thoughts,