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Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2009 11:28 am
by rufio89
I upset a friend. Well he's not even REALLY a friend, more of a "mate". I used to be friends with him but now I only really talk to him online while I'm at work.

Basically, he split up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago. They were together a couple of years, and she was his first "serious" girlfriend.

I talked to him a lot about it when they first split up, and I've been very supportive. But he's been very up and down and the past week or so he's started talking a lot about her again, and he's basically saying over and over again "I've got nothing good left in my life". I keep telling him that he's got lots of good blah blah, but he's not listening to me, and he's really winding me up.

so I snapped, and said "look, I really am sorry that things have turned out this way, but these things happen. You're not the first person to feel this way and you wont be last, and to be honest, I expect youll feel this way about someone else in the future. You have a LOT more than some people, and if you dont stop complaining about it you're going to lose the few friends you have left".

And now I've upset him

I know it was harsh, but I snapped, but now I feel guilty. Argh. Advice?

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2009 11:48 am
by Bel Bel
You were right and sometimes people need the truth
He may not be very happy right now but it will hopefully snap him out of it and if it doesn't you will be proved right
I know you don't feel too good right now but you can't just keep letting people drag you down
If he is reasonable he will satrt talking to you again and if he isn't it's no great lose

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2009 12:01 pm
by rufio89
Id rather he did start talking to me again, but if he doesnt, you're right, he's no big loss. He's not much of a friend really, I just dont like upsetting people.

But as soon as someone gets a "ohhhh my life is so hard" whine on, I just cant listen to them anymore. I just feel like screaming at them "YOUR LIFE IS NOT HARD. YOU ARE VERY LUCKY".

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2009 12:02 pm
by Bel Bel
i agree with you and i like you would be telling them how lucky they are

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2009 1:07 pm
by dipsydoodlenoodle
You snapped, so what, he'll get over it if he's a "friend". If not like Bel Bel said "no big loss".

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Tue May 12, 2009 9:41 pm
by snail
I think it was totally understandable that Rufio snapped in this situation.

However, I don't think it's helpful to tell people that they are luckier than most and shouldn't be depressed. Telling a depressed person that they are very lucky (when they clearly don't think they are) and that they really shouldn't be feeling the way they do, will just make them feel guilty for feeling depressed! No one can know how reasonable or unreasonable another person's feelings are - something that would devastate one person might be water off a duck's back for another.

In this sort of situation, when someone's moaning but you feel you can't sympathise, I think all you can do is acknowledge the comment, then ignore it. So if they say "I've lost the only good thing in my life" and you've heard that and tried to make them feel better about it lots of times before, and they haven't taken any notice, just say "Yes, I know you feel that", and then talk about something else. If they won't talk about anything else, then end the conversation. If it's said via an email or text, just don't reply. If they accuse you of being heartless, just say that you aren't, and you care about them, but you have nothing else to say on that subject.

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 10:24 am
by m_m
snail wrote:I think it was totally understandable that Rufio snapped in this situation.

However, I don't think it's helpful to tell people that they are luckier than most and shouldn't be depressed. Telling a depressed person that they are very lucky (when they clearly don't think they are) and that they really shouldn't be feeling the way they do, will just make them feel guilty for feeling depressed! No one can know how reasonable or unreasonable another person's feelings are - something that would devastate one person might be water off a duck's back for another.


I agree, when you are depressed it is very hard to 'look on the brightside' and see past your problems to all the things you are lucky for.

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 10:29 am
by earthchild
snail wrote: something that would devastate one person might be water off a duck's back for another.

how very true !

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 10:36 am
by rufio89
No, I realise that, and I've been there seeing how horrible my life seems when to other people it looks quite rosy.

I've just been constantly saying "I know, I know how hard it is, I do understand" but he's been going on and on and on about how he's got nothing, and I kept saying "well you've got your friends and your family and your job etc", and he was like "no, no friends, my family arent speaking to me, hate my job bla bla", and he kept saying it and I thought "well if I'M not your friend then why would I listen to you whine.

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 10:50 am
by Bel Bel
but in this situation i am not so sure he is depressed rather than just feeling sorry for himself

If it were me and I am not your abverage subtle type I would say, so I am not your friend then and as for other issues he needs to try and sort out the ones he can i.e can he go and make up with his family, If he has done wrong he needs to apologise, if he hasn't maybe he needs to be more forgiving if he needs them at the moment.
Make an effort to make some new friends but that will mean not being down even if for a few hours whilst in their company, a new friend isn't going to warm well to someone monaing the first time they meet. Maybe he could join a night class, take up a hobby etc to make new friends.
As for the job is he actually trying to do anythign to change things
It's all very well moaning but if he is not willing to make an effort to imrove things they won't, someone isn't just going to knock on his door offer him the dream job, ask him out or ask to be his friend. He has to be realistic

But at tha same time if you feel he is genuinely depressed just say these things as nicely as you can but i still think you need to say them. If he admits he is depressed suggest he needs to see a counsellor.

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 10:57 am
by rufio89
I dont think he's depressed, he's just feeling sorry for himself. And he's entitled to that to a certain extent, but he cant expect people to listen to it unconditionally.

I'm not gonna talk to him about it again. If he talks to me I'll talk about other things.

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 11:18 am
by snail
Good idea, Rufio. You're right, you are quite justified in refusing to discuss it any more if you don't want to.

Bel Bel: we love your brand of subtle here on PP 8)

Re: Gah. Am I wrong?

PostPosted: Wed May 13, 2009 11:30 am
by dipsydoodlenoodle
rufio89 wrote:and he was like "no, no friends, my family arent speaking to me, hate my job bla bla", and he kept saying it and I thought "well if I'M not your friend then why would I listen to you whine.


One of my friends thought exactly the same...he tried to commit suicide - he failed...afterwards instead of being nice to him like everyone else was...I said to him in my Miss Blunt style..."what about your family, your mam, your grandparents, your friends, your aunties, uncles and cousins"? He thought about it and agreed he'd been stupid and had too much family going on to "give up" on them. For all the 'lack' of family he has - he has a huge family that all care about him LOADS.

snail wrote:Bel Bel: we love your brand of subtle here on PP


You mean blunt? lol (I mean it in a nice way).