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Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 6:05 pm
by Pops
This is a long story but I really need some advice please.

Well at the age of 11 I moved to Scotland...i was a very shy and unconfident child and it took me a while to make friends. Once at secondary school I met my best friend. This friendship lasted 5 years...We even lived together throughout our teens. We fell out over something rather silly but the aftermath was so bad that I refused to speak to her or have anything to do with her. This was 2 and a half years ago. I started being very friendly with another girl who seemed to have went through a similar experience to me regarding a loss of a best friend. This seemed to be the foundation of our friendship. Over the two and a half years I was friends with this new girl I would go round and see her every week. This was good for me and we seemed to have more in common the more time I spent with her. I always felt better about nthings after seeing her and eventually it was like a weekly councelling session for eachother.

Things in my life began to change though I got a new bf and started university. As time went on i started finding many faults with my new friend and after going round to see her I would come home feeling pretty miserable. Soon it was like she ould not make the effort to txt me or spend aany other time with me but that one night through the week. It was as though it was all very controlled. I started to get very annoyed with this. It was as though if i did not make the effort she would not be interested at all. But would feel completely guilty if time went on and I had not spoken to her. She only has one other friend so I always made sure I made plenty effort with her as I did not want her to feel lonley.

In June I moved in with my bf and it was great.As i am a non-driver and to visit my new friend by public transport would be difficult he offered to run me through and to collect me after. This was fine the frist few weeks but my bf also works 12 hour shifts so i was hoping that my new friend who also drives would offer to collect me one week but she never! I could not expect my bf to take me and pick me up every week when he has been working all day and alreay picks me up every night from my work and takes me to my mums whenever I go.

The next thing to happen was that on my bday she did not even acknowledge it and never even let me kn ow whether she was coming out to celebrate or not. I was really upset by this. but after I still felt guilty for not texting her i text and she did not mention anything regarding it. I tol myself that I wwould not text her until she text me first! That was 7 weeks ago still not heard from her at all!!!!!

My new friend and I had two main things in common the bitterness we felt for our ex friends and smoking! I soon stopped smoking and tbh i realised that being bitter about things was making me miserable. My bf helped me realise that if i fall out with every friend who upsets me then i will eventually have no one as people do fall out! Not every thing is rosy all the time, thats life! isnt it?

Now my old best friend is trying to get in contact with me through bebo and has invited me to be her online friend! I cannot deciide whether to accept or not! I would feel as though i would be betraying my other friend and that i cannot be friends with both of them.
Help!!! please!:( xxx :(

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 8:13 pm
by captainf
I think that you should add your old best friend to bebo. You might find that you guys actually can talk things through, forgive and forget what happened between you both. This could end up being a rather good and mature situation.

Regarding the 'new' friend - if all you had in common with your friend is bitterness and smoking I think it would be fair to say that in actual fact you had absolutely nothing in common at all. We've all felt bitterness at some point, and you say you have given up smoking (well done - you should be very proud of yourself for doing this as alot of people fail at it) I'm guessing that you and your friends friendship may of run its course. She hasnt spoken to you for 7 weeks. If you want to see how she is then just send her a text and ask her how shes doing. However what is concerning is that she seemed to either forget or didnt bother wishing you a happy birthday and thats very sad.

So to summarise - Try to make amends with the old friend, you maybe able to be close friends again.. and as for the 'new' friend, text her and see how she is but it could be lack of things in common (real things - same likes and hobbies - not bitterness and cancer sticks) thats caused the failure.

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 8:17 pm
by Pops
But I always told the new friend that I would never speak to my old friend again! to be honest i think i am more worried about her reaction to my being friends with my old friend again! I do not want her to think i am two faced or whatever else but i know she would not understand that i cant keep grudges going anymore! I am 22 and have always had problems with trust etc with friends but feel as though i am missing out on so much for example having lasting friendships and making new friends. Im just worried about reaction!

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Sun Aug 30, 2009 9:58 pm
by captainf
We all grow and mature and therefore if you manage to put the past behind you with your old friend theres nothing wrong with that. You're not going back on your word or anything, you're growing and maturing.

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:32 pm
by Pops
You are right! I am just very scared!! i do not want to make the wrong decision! sometimes i think it would be best to not speak to either! Then I would not have to suffer the guilt...but would be left feeling even more lonley than i already do! xx

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Mon Aug 31, 2009 9:43 pm
by captainf
I understand, however if your old friend has matured then its actually a good thing, especially if you can then move on together as good friends once again. Your new friend should understand and respect this. Theres no reason why you cant all be friends, but your new friend does sound relatively selfish. You have shown great maturity - you gave up smoking, you're willing to atleast talk to your old friend and put the past behind you. Whereas your new friend seems to be happy to be bitter, continue to attempt to give herself lung cancer, forgot your birthday, never really helped you get to hers when you visited her etc.

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:23 am
by dipsydoodlenoodle
Get back in touch with your old friend...don't miss the opportunity.

As for your 'new' friend, if she gets angry that you have gotten in touch with a new friend then she's not a friend. I mean is she going to rate every friend you get in contact with; it sounds to me like you are scared of your 'new' friend; why is she controlling you? You can't keep basically asking permission from a friend to speak to other people.

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:52 am
by RagDoll
Add your old friend on Bebo and basically do whatever you want - it's your life, not your new friends'. It's very immature for her to expect you not to ever speak to your old friend again - what on earth has it got to do with her?!

On a bit of a side note, it sounds like you take friendships very seriously and have intense relationships with people. Nobody is perfect and perhaps you need to review your friendships/attitude towards them. I mean that in the most constructive way possible by the way :)

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 12:23 pm
by Bel Bel
Your new friend is not a friend at all. She never puts herself out for you and hasn't even bothered to check you're aliv ion the last 7 weeks.

Get back in contact with your old friend. I think it is possible you can both get over the past

You have nothing to feel guilty about, things can change and people move on.

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 8:39 pm
by Pops
Thanks for all your advice! I have accepted my old friend on bebo after thinking. I still have not had any contact with my 'new friend'. I have not text her but she has not text either!

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:38 pm
by captainf
Good luck with your hold friend. Hopefully you can put the past behind you and be good friends again.

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 5:04 pm
by Pops
So i accepted my old friend! She has not sent any comments or messages to me but i have not either! I think we are both uncertain of where things will go and I am not sure what to say it has been so long! I think she may feel the same. Still not heard from my other friend! think this situation may take some time! :-?

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Sun Sep 06, 2009 8:23 pm
by captainf
Regarding your new friend, forget her if she isnt talking to you.
Regarding your old friend, send her a message and just say 'hey, how are you? have you been up to much? Its been a long time. I hope things are well with you' and see what you get back.

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2009 9:43 am
by dipsydoodlenoodle
I agree with Captain_flynn.

Just send a general how are you message to your old friend :)

Re: Just do not know what to do!

PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 9:40 pm
by Pops
well my old friend and I are casually speaking over bebo! A bit of a catch up! Still never heard from my other friend soooo weird like! but im not that fussed really...not looking forward to bumping into her though live in a small town so its bound to happen. Will be very awkward but I am just seeing it as the friendship has fizzed out. Ran its course, trying not to worry too much.