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How much work should a friendship be?!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 10:38 am
by RagDoll
Hello all,

Well, I’ve written about this particular friend before (in the “Friends’ Wedding” thread, I’ll refer to her as Amy, as I did previously) and I’m really starting to get frustrated with her.

She’s just so selfish and wrapped up in her own little World a lot of the time and it’s getting increasingly annoying.

The latest thing is her son’s 4th birthday party, which she’s having at her house on Saturday – a couple of weeks ago she asked if my friend (Jane) or I would be prepared to do some of the kids face painting at the party. Jane immediately said she’d give it a go (she’s good at stuff like that) and they had a conversation about face paints etc. The next day Amy apparently text Jane to confirm that she’d do the face painting, but she’s not heard anything about it since. This is the first we’d heard of the party and although that’s almost an indirect invitation, it wasn’t as explicit as that and we were just out shopping at the time, so it felt like something she’d just mentioned in passing.

Anyway, over the following week I received an email from Amy making chit chat and at the end of the email she was saying how excited her son is about his birthday party, what they’re buying him etc. etc. but didn’t ask if I was coming or not. I was starting to get a bit narked by this point, but thought she’d mention it at some other point in time, so just wrote back and said I couldn’t believe how old he was now and that I’d like to see him soon etc. (she didn’t respond to that email).

My boyfriend and I called around Amy’s on Sunday to drop some stuff off that she’d left at our house. As we got up to leave she said to me that she wouldn’t see us until after she got back from her holidays (which is after both her sons and her own birthday) so I thought to myself ‘great, I’m obviously not getting an invitation to her son’s birthday’, but I just said “Ok, I’ll drop yours and *her son’s name* birthday cards around sometime before you go then”, and only THEN did she say I could come to her son’s birthday party.

Anyway, I was mulling all of this over yesterday and felt a bit upset about it all as I have always made an effort to buy her son a birthday card and prezzie and both my boyfriend and I went to his birthday party last year, so I didn’t understand why I suddenly didn’t seem welcome this year. It felt a bit like because I hadn’t jumped at the face painting suggestion, I wasn’t going to get an invitation. On top of all this, Amy has had a bit of a moan at Jane and I before, saying that we don’t make enough effort to get to know her son – well how are we meant to if we never get invited to spend time with him?!

Anyway, I knew I was going to turn up on Saturday a bit pee’d off and resentful, so I thought the mature thing to do would be to send her an email about it, so I sent her one which honestly was not b!tchy in the slightest (I will copy and paste it in here if it helps, just didn’t want to add to my already enormous post!!). It just basically said that I am probably just being silly, over-sensitive and misinterpreting things, but felt a bit upset that it seemed I wasn’t going to get an invitation until I mentioned his card.

She replied and I could tell by her tone that she thinks I’m being unreasonable, she used being ill as an excuse for not having invited me (she’s only been ill since the weekend though and first mentioned his party weeks ago) etc. etc. I basically felt like she gave me a guilt trip for raising the issue, saying she has a lot on her plate at the moment and needs her friends right now and so forth (she’s certainly not the only one!).

All of this will no doubt be forgotten about at some point, my real issue is that I can never bring anything up with her without getting a guilt trip and made to feel like I’m being a complete cow. My email wasn’t worded in a nasty way at all, and I’m sick of walking on eggshells.

I don’t see how we can have a friendship where I can never tell her if she’s upset or annoyed me. I would rather just be honest and then forget about it and carry on as normal, but it never seems to work out that way with her. I would be happy for her to tell me if I’d annoyed her, I’d rather just be open about it, apologise then forget it.

I really don’t want to lose her as a friend as I’ve known her all my life and she means a lot to me, but our friendship is really starting to feel like hard work. A lot of the time it is quite one-sided. I’d be interested to know what people think?

Re: How much work should a friendship be?!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 12:10 pm
by Bel Bel
it doesn't look like your friend is going to change anytime soon
I don't think you really have many options it's put up with it but keep a bit more distance or just cut her out of your lifethis isn't the first time she has done this sort of thing and I doubt it will be the last

Re: How much work should a friendship be?!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 1:36 pm
by dipsydoodlenoodle
unfortunately I agree with Bel Bel.

Re: How much work should a friendship be?!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 1:50 pm
by RagDoll
Do you think (from what I've told you)that I am just in feeling annoyed though? Part of me felt bad when she wrote back to my email all defensive, saying she had a lot on her plate etc., but so do I at the moment, yet I'm not using that as an excuse not to treat people well.

I think she thinks Jane and I have it in for her at the moment (as we've both said a few things to her over the last maybe 5 months or so) and are just nit-picking etc. but I don't see how we can be friends if I constantly have to bite my tongue and never say anything when she's upset me. That will just lead to me getting increasingly frustrated and having a go one day, which wouldn't be a good thing for anyone!

Re: How much work should a friendship be?!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 4:24 pm
by Bel Bel
No I think she sounds like a rotten friend who is selfish and a manipulator of your feelings to keep you and Jane feeling bad