Page 1 of 2

Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:19 am
by stressball
I'm going to sum this up so the post isn't too long! Basically I worked closely with a girl from work for a year, she decided to leave last christmas, and leading up to that and the few months after she left she treated me really badly, and I was getting so stressed as i wouldn't say anything back about it. Finally she told someone else (who she isnt friends with) to tell me she wanted nothing more to do with me anymore because she didn't want to be reminded of the company she left!!!!! I was really upset, but I bit my tongue and didn't contact her because that's what she would have wanted (she is a major drama queen and everything is against her in her eyes!!!)

Anyway I made new friends at work who said they didnt like how she treated me, called her names and said if they saw her they were going to have words etc etc. Well last night (after 5 months of not speaking to the "ex-friend") 2 of my friends from work went out (I didnt go as had a family function) and saw the "ex-friend" - and texted me this morning about how well she was doing, how she had emailed me (she never did) and that we should all meet up etc etc. I was really surprised at this from what she said about her.

I naturally questioned why they are even giving her the time of day and my "new" friends have said I'm being stupid, I should text her and get over it!!!

I'm really upset and confused right now, I don't particularly want to get close to the "ex-friend" right now, as she hasn't even had the decency to apologise to me, and is going through other people to let me know how good her life is. Now the "new" friends love her again, it's like I should too...now the "new friends" aren't really speaking to me now because I questioned their judgement.

What do I do??? I don't want to lose the "new" friendships I have made. This has totally ruined my weekend lol :(

Any suggestions?

Stressball x

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 9:16 pm
by captainf
I guess that your place of employment must employ adults, like yourself, and 13yr old school children too (like your ex-friend and 'new' friends)
I dont think you should even give the ex-friend the time of day to be honest. I mean shes the one acting like a child and doing the whole 'pass a message on to... because im not talking to her' and also the 'omg my life is like so totally awesome now' So pathetic.
If your new friends think shes so great, let them hang out with her. Shes quite an idiot so its only time before she shoots herself in the foot anyway, and as for the new friends, its up to you if you wanna continue to be friends with them. They sound like a slightly impressionable and naive bunch so probably not the best friend material you might be hoping for.

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 1:12 am
by everloney
although i do agree with what captains said, i think you should remain friends with your new friends, i think people forget stuff. It didn't happen to them, and from the sounds of it the girl has nice to them so they think she's ok. I could be wrong but without anymore info on the new friends, i think its just that. I think your best bet is to tell them, if ex friend wants to contact you then you'll talk to her but you don't want to contact her. Thats totally ok, i think it would be healthy to clear things with ex friend, by no means become friendly with her again, just so you can be civil if you see her out and about.

I hate bad air and by the sounds of it you do too, i really hope these new friends come though, give them another chance.

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 9:43 am
by stressball
Hey Captain F, I am so relieved you have said that, she is really immature, and since she chose to cut me out of my life, I've been so much happier, yesterday when I found out she was asking about me and wanted to come out with us, my heart well and truly sank, and I got annoyed more than I have in months - my other half says I need to do what I want to do and wont give me his opinion so I'm stuck with all these thoughts going round in my head wondering what to do!! In regards to my new friends, both of them are unhappily single, and looking for every oppertunity to go out and look for men, and having a good time etc, whereas I dont really need to do all that, sure I'm up for a good time, but I have a loving partner at home and I'm not up for getting wasted every weekend like they seem to be at the moment, so being friends with the ex-friend means more to them socially I guess.

Hi Everloney, I think you are right too, I will remain friends with them, I would never not be friends with them because of the ex friend, that would be sinking to her level. I think they have forgotten what she did, but I dont think I can, and I think they are being unreasonable expecting me to forget it all when I havent even got an explanation or an apology of why she cut me out so abruptly and then expects us all to welcome her back with open arms!! I'm glad you agree with me, I've been going almost crazy thinking about it this weekend, it's kinda got me down. Especially when it's gonna end up with the new friends saying "oh everyone likes her except (stressball) " but I think if they were true friends they would accept my opinion. You're right though, if i remain civil but not friendly hopefully that will be OK - just be difficult when we all have to go out together, I know I'm going to hate it :( this person really should just go away and leave us alone grrrr!!!

Stressball x

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 3:38 pm
by captainf
Your partner is right, just do what makes you happy. Dont let this ex-friend get to you because she is quite honestly an immature waste of time.
Why waste your life worrying about her when you can make yourself happy?
As for your friends, drunken nights out probably wont lead to them finding a loving partner so they might be clutching at staws, and the fact they sound quite desperate also doesnt bode well for them neither but this is their mistake to make.
From the sounds of it your life can be relatively sweet - You're free of the child (Ex-friend) and you have a loving partner at home. Very nice. :D If you do have to come accross the ex-friend once in a while just be civil. You dont have to be all best friend like with her, just civil, no more, no less.

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 4:46 pm
by stressball
Hey Captain F,

Thank you for your comment, you're right, I don't know why I spend time worrying over her, when I bet she's laughing at me. And yes, I do feel lucky as to what I have got, although they haven't said it, i think the new friends find me "boring" because of my situation which bothers me, but I only think that, they haven't actually said that to me (yet!!)

One of my new friends has a party coming up at the end of the month and I know for a fact the "ex-friend" will now be there and be the star of the show because no-one has seen her for ages and she will just want to tell everyone how great her life is now she's single, independant of men and carefree - I'm now put off as to whether I want to go or not just to save hearing all the rubbish she has to say!!! But I guess I can't let the others down - one of the friends has texted me today saying that I should text her and make contact, and when i said I could not brush it under the carpet like that she replied "well she hasn't done anything to me" which kinda sums it all up for me really.

If I had my way, I would forget about all of them, I know it sounds harsh but I feel like that at the moment, but seeing as I work closely with the "new friends" I cant get away from them, I know it's gonna be a nightmare and be very difficult to keep my mouth shut!!!!

Anyway, thanks for your advice, it's helped me confirm what I already know deep down - not to waste my time bothering/worrying about people that don't deserve my time/forgiveness.

Stressball x

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Sun Oct 04, 2009 5:04 pm
by captainf
Im sure your new friends dont find you boring, but if they do then forget about them. Any friend who has no respect for you is not really a friend at all.

I think you should go to the party and I think you will have a great time. Be civil, but dont go out of your way to please the ex-friend. Dont worry about her boasting about her life - shes being fake. Deep down she probably misses her past relationship and is trying to cover it all up by telling everyone her life is awesome when the real situation could be contrary to popular belief.

I think your new friends are abit naive to it. The fact your friend text back with 'well she hasn't done anything to me' shows abit of naivity. The fact that your ex-friend hasnt done anything to your new friends shouldnt even be considered. They should understand that your old friend treated you badly and wont even talk to you herself, and therefore you have washed your hands of her.

Just be civil with your new friends and take it as it comes, accept they will want to hang out with you both (at different times)

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 11:37 am
by Bel Bel
I agree that they have forgotten what she is like and she will shoot herself in the foot again
Being civil means you can't be made out to be the bad guy
I have to say too that your new friends sound very immature and in no way should you feel that you are boring whether they think that or not.
You are happy and settled and thats what they want, they are unhappily singles so if anything they are jealous of you
I would take every opportunity to try and make some new friends but think staying on good terms with the new friends as you have to work with them

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 7:47 pm
by stressball
Hey again Captain F,

Yeah you are right, she will be boasting, but I'm unsure as to whether she misses her past life seeing as she hasn't even spoken to us for months. And you're right about the friends thing, if someone did that to one of my friends, I wouldn't even consider doing that, they haven't even asked how I'm feeling about it all which in itself is really upsetting for me.

Today at work I was quite neutral with my new friends, I usually walk to work with one of them, and this morning we arranged to meet up as usual, when she decided she could not wait anymore (!!!) and walked to work without me...then proceeded to ignore me the rest of the morning or give short answers when I asked how she was, so I decided to go out for lunch instead of meeting up with her (we usually meet every day for lunch) and when she phoned to see if I was going I told her no Ive got plans and she hung up on me, then didnt speak to me for the rest of the day. I have a feeling I made it worse but I'm sick of jumping through hoops and making and effort when she does nothing in return!!

Hey Belbel,

Yeah, I agree, at the end of the day I hate to say it but they will only get hurt like I did, I just really dont wana be around to watch, as selfish as that might sound, but I dont really want to be there for someone who's not prepared to be there for me. I was going to send the ex friend an e-card to say happy birthday as it is her birthday this friday - mainly because she forgot my birthday so i wanted to prove that i hadnt forgotten hers - but coz of whats happened i dont know whether i should still send it coz itll look like i want to be friends when I dont!!


I had a few problems at home a few months ago and one of the friends really revelled in the fact I was having problems, it looked like she was enjoying it when I told her, which all makes sense now. You are right, I need to be civil but not overly friendly to them. The only thing is, we've arranged a 2 day holiday starting next friday, which I have to be with them, now I really dont wana go coz of whats happened...argh!!!!!!!!! Nightmare :(

Stressball x

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 10:10 pm
by stressball
Heya i just wanted to give an update as I am sooooooooo angry right now im gonna explode!!!!!!!!

Tonight I decided to bite the bullet and send a text to the new friend who i usually walk with in the mornings to work, i said "hiya, are u walking tomorrow?x" she immediately replied "yeah x" so after some thought as to what to say i replied "okey dokey, is 8.30am okx?" and she replied "ok x " she is being really short with me still which is really doing my head in, so I bit the bullet and said "ru annoyed with me?" and she replies "why should i be" not yes or no, just that!!! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So i replied "not sure really, just me being paranoid haha :)" to which she didnt reply!!!!!

I am so angry right now she is carrying on this little pathetic charade and I know she will do the same thing as this morning and leave me to walk on my own, what the hell did i do wrong other than disagree with something????????? I'm in tears right now and I have got such a headache from all the stress I really want to just completely get rid of her but life at work would be so difficult if I did, I'm kinda stuck with this pathetic drama queen and I'm really frustrated!!!

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest :'( i just feel so annoyed with myself that I let any of them in my life in the first place, and I know she will twist it with everyone at work saying I'm not talking to her because of the "ex-friend" - all the guys fancy her and all the girls think she's cool, so if anyone took sides they would certainly make my life not worth living, i'm absolutely sure of it. What a mess!!!!! :(

Stressball x

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 10:56 pm
by captainf
If I was you i'd just ask her outright why shes being so offish with you. That way you'll get a real reason and wont have to worry about it and get upset.
Also you dont have to jump through hoops to impressive anyone. If they cant accept you for you, then forget them.

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:52 am
by dipsydoodlenoodle
So how was the walk into work today?

She might have been off with you because you blew her off at dinner time on Monday (I know she blew you off in the morning but don't play games by going now we are even); maybe she was upset about something herself? There are loads of reasons why she could have been off-ish with you.

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 7:03 pm
by stressball
Hey Captain F & Dipsydoodlenoodle,

The walk in was a bit awkward at first, I sent her a message to check we were meeting and she didnt reply, so I decided to turn up there anyway and I saw her, thats when I came straight out with "so why are you annoyed with me then" and she replied "why do you keep asking that for goodness sake" and I said "maybe it's because of the one-worded texts you sent me last night" and she went very very quiet so I said "If this is to do with the (ex-friend) thing then...." and she replied "i've said to you before, do what you want, you are an adult, make your own decisions and I'll make mine" which I said was very similar to what I was going to say. She then went on to say that since the chance meeting friday night with the ex-friend (and also said she was pushed into it by the other friend!!) that the ex-friend hasnt replied to 2 messages she has sent since then and I think she is feeling annoyed at herself for thinking the ex-friend being genuine.

It's been a bit of a struggle after that to talk to her, she is still quite "offish" with me, I guess it's because of what happened yesterday, I'm feeling that she is really annoyed with me still even though she is talking, but I dont think I should say sorry, after all "i am an adult and i should do what i want" !!!!

Thank you all for listening and giving your opinion, hopefully things will get better, but at the moment who knows :(

Stressball x

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 8:21 pm
by captainf
Hmm interesting. Try this for an altnerative idea - just be your usual self, dont ask her if shes annoyed, dont ask her if you've done something etc Just act your normal self like theres no real problem. See how she reacts to this. It might take a few days before she pulls herself out of this little tantrum and starts talking to you again. Its worth trying.

Re: Ex-friend causing me a headache!

PostPosted: Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:36 am
by dipsydoodlenoodle
I agree with captainf.

Some people punish others for their mistakes which looks like might be happening here.