Page 1 of 2

Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2010 11:55 am
by RagDoll
Hi all,

This isn't really a big problem, not for me personally anyhow, but it still bugs me nonetheless.

My friend is engaged to her boyfriend of 5/6 years. They have a little boy together, he's 4. My friend fell pregnant when she'd been going out with her boyfriend for just under a year. He didn't want to keep it at first, but he came around to the idea in the end. They both quit university and he got a job. He moved away from his family and friends to where we (e.g. my friend and I) originally come from.

Anyway, their relationship is a complete joke. Not long after her little boy was born, my friend told me she wasn't 100% who the father is as she'd been sleeping with her ex. Then she pretty much had evidence that her financee had also cheated on her and she hit the roof (double standards). He's always maintained he didn't sleep with anyone else, and he has no idea she doesn't know for certain who the father is.

She has continued to sleep with her ex on and off. I have told her millions of times to stop, but she wouldn't. She thought she was still in love with her ex, but to be honest, I never thought that was the case. I always thought it was just a case of the grass is greener (she's been a bit like that all her life).

Recently her boyfriend and her started making wedding plans - they've booked the venue, put a deposit down on her dress, sorted out the photographer etc. She said she was really happy and things were loads better between them, so I hoped she'd stopped seeing her ex and tried to be happy for them.

However, she recently told me she slept with someone at work. She asked for my advice, so I told her not to marry her fiancee (amongst other things). The problem is that it's just so ridiculous, it's like something off Eastenders. I am getting sick of her moaning on and on about her fiancee and doing nothing about it other than cheat on him. She's even admitted she doesn't love him. I just wish she'd call it a day with him, but she won't for financial reasons, their child etc. etc.

I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up marrying him - but how am I supposed to be supportive of that? It's just a joke. I see her fiancee fairly regularly and think he's a nice enough guy, I feel really sorry for him, but there's nothing I can do, I can't break my friend's trust. I just don't know how I can carry on with this whole charade if she goes ahead with the wedding plans. I am supposed to be her head bridesmaid and I just find the thought of actually walking behind them, knowing what I know completely ridiculous.

I don't really know what I am looking for here as there's not much anyone can do, but it helps to vent.

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2010 1:00 pm
by Skarlet
It does sound ridiculous, and a really awkward situation for you. Maybe you should talk honestly to her, saying that in all good conscience, that you can't be her chief bridesmaid. That it is not fair on her fiance, that he deserves to be treated better and that staying when she doesn't love him is wrong.

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Thu Jan 07, 2010 1:48 pm
by Millenia
You seem to know your friend more than anyone on the post, but the feeling i get from it is that she likes her cake and eats it. Her boyfriend provides for her and her son and she can basically sleep who with ever she wants.
I think your right in saying about trust in friendship but there must be a line somewhere? If the foot was on the other shoe, and your partner was sleeping around would you want someone to tell you? How would you react?
I Would want someone to tell me if im honest but then again i would be suspicious as to why my friend is telling me.
You have to weigh it out. I wouldn't like to suggest sitting on it, but it is a joke. She doesn't seem like a nice person if she thinks she can just sleep around with anyone she wishes.
Even she has admitted to not loving her partner so it does seem like he is her security and nothing else.

If anything i wouldn't go to the wedding and put a face on knowing what you know, i think that would be rude.


Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Fri Jan 08, 2010 4:24 pm
by ToriL87
Initially i would have said to leave them to it, but if you have to play a part in the wedding that will be hard. I do agree that the whole thing is a sham though, and i wonder how your friend can possibly think this is acceptable behaviour?
You said that you can't break your friends trust, and i understand that, but it seems a bit ironic, as your friend doesn't seem to know what the word trust means. I find it hard to believe that she could make a good friend, as i get the impression she is quite selfish, you however do seem like a good friend and it's not right for her to expect you to listen to her going on about her affairs and then still stand and watch her marry a decent guy.

It might seem harsh, but she really does need a good kick you know where. Some one needs to tell her that this behavious isn't on, maybe you could give her an ultimatium of some sort? if she doens't tell her boyfriend, you will?

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Mon Jan 11, 2010 11:08 am
by RagDoll
She is a very self-centered person and I know what she's doing isn't right, but I still value her friendship. I've known her all my life, so I don't want to jeopardise my relationship with her by giving her ultimatums, not going to the wedding etc. Fingers crossed she won't get married to him, I really hope not (though I wouldn't be surprised if she does!)

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 5:21 pm
by mattmxl
Only trouble there is that if you cross your fingers and she still goes ahead with it, you'll have to do the walking down the aisle behind them and the looking happy for them bit. Plus once they are married that it, there's pretty much no going back from that without a lot of upheaval and upset. If the fiancee is a nice enough bloke as you say he is then he really deserves to know whats been going on so he can make an informed decision about the impending marriage. Has your friend told anybody else about this or is it just you that knows?

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 6:30 pm
by RagDoll
mattmxl wrote:If the fiancee is a nice enough bloke as you say he is then he really deserves to know whats been going on so he can make an informed decision about the impending marriage

I entirely agree, but I don't think it's my place to tell him. I'm just basically his fiancee's friend and although I have formed a friendship of sorts with him over the years, my loyalty lies primarily with her. It's not that I condone what she's done (as you should be able to tell from my original post), but it's not my responsibility to tell him what's been going on. They're adults and it's their relationship, it's actually nothing to do with me, she's just dragged me into it by telling me what's been going on.

As far as I know, it's just me that knows about it.

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Wed Jan 13, 2010 7:02 pm
by mattmxl
You do have to feel sorry for the poor sod don't ya! Finding out that kind of thing is bad enough on its own, never mind if he's just married the girl. I think I probably misunderstood or misjudged the level of the relationship you had with this guy, I thought you perhaps had a closer friendship with him than you actually did. I was going down the line of you should probably tell him, but if your primary loyalties are with the friend then this wouldn't be possible. It's frankly a little unfair of your friend to have dragged you (and as far as you know only you) into this situation, maybe you could mention that to her if you haven't already.

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 2:26 pm
by Bel Bel
As the ceremony progress's it will say "if anyone knwos any reason why these people should not be married say now or forever hold your peace"
It semms to me your only choice is to decided way one or the other hold your peace or say something
I think from what you have said it isn't your place but you can tell her you want to hear nothing more about any liasons she has
If you decide not to talk about you will have to go to the wedding or he will be suspicious and may confront you causing you to reveal all or be put in an even more awkward situation
It's her bed let her lie in it

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Thu Jan 14, 2010 4:43 pm
by RagDoll
I agree Bel Bel.

She is coming over tomorrow night - no doubt her relationship with her fiancee will come up then (she's been talking about breaking up with him). I am going to do my best to make her see that there's no point in continuing this ridiculous relationship, but people only see what they want to see at the end of the day. I think deep down she knows it, but she's too scared to do anything about it.

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Mon Jan 18, 2010 5:00 pm
by Bel Bel
How did it go with your friend ragdoll?

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 10:54 am
by RagDoll
She broke up with him on Thursday night! I am pleasantly surprised. Not that it's an ideal situation for anyone (least of all their child), but at least she's now being honest with herself and him about their relationship. I just hope she sticks to it as this has happened before - they've broken up for a while.. then they've got back together. She stayed over mine on Friday night though and she did seem pretty determined that she'd done the right thing and didn't want to keep going around in circles etc.

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 1:44 pm
by Bel Bel
Wow as you say unexpected but the right thing.
At least you no longer have to deal with the situation of the wedding

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 11:06 am
by RagDoll
Ok, this whole ridiculousness is STILL an issue.

Brief update - as I said in my last post, she broke up with him... but then got back with him. In no time whatsoever, everything was back to 'normal' the wedding was back on and she was moaning about him again and unhappy. We've all had to play along with the whole bridesmaid thing and accept it's her life.

Then she broke up with him AGAIN, a couple of weeks ago. She hasn't been as vocal about it this time as I think she felt a bit of prat. She told me she'd cancelled the wedding, so I thought she might be serious about them splitting up. Turns out she wasn't. She's back with him again now and is talking about getting married, as they had planned, in March.

Now, as you can imagine, it's getting beyond words ridiculous. I don't want to be her bridesmaid, I don't want to go to her hen doo, I don't really want anything to do with it. He's clearly not right with her, but because she had a good time with him last weekend, it's as if everything is rosey between them again. It's just insane. Sometimes I wonder if she just likes the drama of it all. Sometimes I think she's just with him because she feels trapped because they have a child and she would financially struggle without him.

I know there's not much anyone can say/do, but I needed to vent. I am so sick of the drama! I mean what do you say to someone who keeps doing this and then expects you to still be bridesmaid and go and order the dresses in a months time?!

Re: Ridiculous Relationship/Marriage

PostPosted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 2:04 pm
by Londongirl
Ah, what a tangled web we weave!
I know this is a hard situation for you, but my advice is to just let her get on with it.
I know you are her friend and know a bit more about her infidelity than you would like, but if she wants to make a mess of her life, it's really up to her.
I suppose the problem is she doesn't really love him, but like you said, loves having him around to help with the kid and provide security. It's a shame really and i feel sorry for her (and him) as she is probably quite an indecisive person with low self-confidence, otherwise she would have had the balls to do the right thing and end it properly.
I know with my ex (we were together almost 6 years), we were on and off every few months (because of me) until finally him travelling to thailand ended it once and for all! I was like your friend in that i liked him being around, we got on well etc, but i just didn't feel that love you are supposed to feel for someone you want to stay with. Having a child with someone makes that ten times worse I'd imagine...
Trouble is, who are we to judge other people's actions? I think it's good for you as her friend to tell her how you feel, even say to her what a joke you think it is, but ultimately, you just have to be there and listen and hopefully she will be strong and let the bloke go and make herself happier in the process.