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nightmare friend

PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:15 pm
by hollycart123
i have this friend who i have been friends with for about 6 years now. But i wouldnt say that our friendship was ever particularly healthy as we spent way too much time talking and seeing each other all the time and eventually becoming co dependent on each other. This has become insane like she is the most controlling person i have ever met and i cant do anything without her permission. But the most irritating thing is the double standards, like she has had a long term boyfriend and she always see's him and goes away with him and i dont mind at all. but when it comes to me, if i ever see or even talk to my recent boyfriend then she creates an agrument or makes a dig. He has recently moved away and i have gone to see him, and sinse then she has been horrible to me. she doesnt talk to me anymore and she is bumming all my other friends. But i cant get across how controlling anf how much of a bully she is towards me. i swear she hates to see me happy and i cant understand why? i cant wait to get away from her, i hate her so much, but i cant simply tell her as we have a friend group and it would make thing unbareable (even more) i cry all the time and i am at my last straw. Its october now and uni is next year, i dont know how long i can go on with her though. Why do you think she is acting horrible to me atm, just cos i went away for the weekend or other reasons and do you think it will carry on for long? please help

Re: nightmare friend

PostPosted: Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:39 am
by ILoveChristmas
It sounds to me like she's solved your dilemma for you. If she's not talking to you and she's 'bumming' all your friends (which I take to mean ignoring - I didn't realise I was becoming such an old man!) then leave her to it.

The purpose of a friend is not to drag you down and make you feel abused and upset, and whilst it is admirable that you still call her 'friend' I think the time has come where you need to stop considering her one.

People can be controlling towards others for lots of reasons; maybe someone was overly controlling towards her when she was younger and she sees you as a means of exacting pay back for that, or maybe she simply has a very jealous nature.

I can't say that i've had experience with people quite as controlling as her, but not that far off and in my experience it doesn't get better. The issue is getting someone who believes they are in the right to accept that they're in the wrong, and that is a very difficult thing to do. In fact you may find that cutting ties, or at least stopping all close contact with her, is your most effective way of doing that.

It sounds to me like she feels you owe her your undivided attention and when she doesn't get it, for example when you visited your ex-boyfriend her out of control jealousy got the better of her. To answer your question, yes I think it's in her nature and unless she gets some professional help with it it will carry on indefinately, if not to you then to someone else.

It's tempting to stick with her in the belief that you can help her but I really don't think you can. By the sounds of it she's not being just a little unreasonable, she seems to have some sort of genuine issue that will need professional help to overcome. Don't let her use you as her emotional punch bag.

Re: nightmare friend

PostPosted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 2:18 am
by Ellexo
I had a friend like that. Admitadley she sounds a bit tame compared to yours, but still. She wasn't controlling but her double standards were incredible! I figured out why my friend was like this tho. She wanted to assert her dominance over everyone else. Your friend wasn't happy with you visiting your boyfriend cos when she does that it makes her "cool" and the bigger person and by you visiting your boyfriend you threaten that and it makes her less "special". It's to do with low self esteem and honestly, she probably won't ever change. She'll always want to be the one on top and the best you can do, (as you say you don't want to make it awkward in your group of friends), is ignore it and know that actually, you're the bigger person. It won't be easy and there will be things she does that will drive you insane but it's cos she's insecure and she thinks that by putting you down it will make her feel better about herself.

Don't let her get to you. She's not worth it.