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Unplanned Pregnancy!

PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 11:43 am
by rufio89
Hi All,

I got a call from a friend of mine last night and I want to help him, but I dont really know what to say to him and I think I was VERY unhelpful and now I'm feeling bad!

Basically, a few months ago, my friend met a girl online and they went on a few dates. They slept together on the second date when they were VERY drunk but after the third date decided there was no spark and neither were really sure about each other.

He got a call from her last week saying that she needed to see him, so he met up with her and she said she was pregnant.

He is 30 and she is 28.

He wants to be involved in the babys life but he's (obviously) freaking out a bit and is upset that things have turned out this way. (He's been saying a lot recently that he really wants to meet someone, settle down and get married).

I want to help, but I dont really know what to say to him.

Can anyone give me any advice or guidance that I can pass on?

Re: Unplanned Pregnancy!

PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:45 pm
by ILoveChristmas
You can reassure him that, from experience, having a baby (unplanned or not) is the single best experience in life. It's doesn't initially seem like it in situation where the pregnancy is unplanned, but it is, and he'll come to realise that.

In my view though he needs to be very clear in his own mind, and then to her, what part he wants to play in the baby's life. Children need consistency above all else and a father who in the child's eyes doesn't exist is better than one that occassionally dips in and out of their lives.

Once he's clear about that he needs to establish what part she is prepared to have him play in her and the baby's life. There is a chance that she simply won't want to have him around. I hope not, but he needs to find out for sure.

It's inevitable that he'll need to assess his financial situation too. He's now responsible for paying her maintenance, which might make his own situation difficult depending how close to the wind he sails at the moment.

Re: Unplanned Pregnancy!

PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:52 pm
by ennis81
Tell him to go on Jeremy Kyle :D only joking!

This has happened to a couple of my male friends and all you can advise is that he supports her during her pregnancy and accepts he is going to be a father (I take it this girl is planning to keep the baby).
In this kind of situation men don't really have much of a choice, The good ones step up and accept responsiblity for the child even if they aren't in love with the mother, the bad ones put it down to a mistake and do a runner.
It is still entirely possible for him to fall in love with the right person and get married settle down and have more kids in the future, but at this time in his life this is the way it is, he has concieved a child with this woman and must take responsiblity for that, he doesn't have to have a relationship with her, but he does need to build a friendship and some stability for this child as they will always be bonded together as parents.
Although it isn't ideal as he doesn't love the girl, being a parent is a wonderful gift and you should try and put a positive view on it to him

Re: Unplanned Pregnancy!

PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 1:44 pm
by rufio89
Yeah she is definitley keeping it.

She was told when she was in her early 20s that she was infertile and would never be able to naturally concieve (it's like out of a film isnt it?) so there is no way she would get rid of it as it's probably her only chance.

He's said he will definitley be there, they are even talking about getting a house and trying to live together as friends, so at least they are both there, but I'm not sure that's such a great idea, especially if he's still planning to meet someone and settle down.

Another big problem is, is he is currently out of work and has been for a couple of months now (he got sacked for being generally rubbish), so he's trying desperatly to find a job (doing ANYTHING), but as I'm sure you all know, jobs are few and far between so he's worried he hasnt got anything to offer a child. I'm not sure what she does for a living.

Re: Unplanned Pregnancy!

PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 2:20 pm
by Bel Bel
I would definitely advise against the living together. They hardly know each other and it will just add tnesion to the situation.
He can be there as much as he wants but they both need separate lives and ultimately it will cause problems when a new patner comes along.
I can't see her being too happy if he hasn't got a job either, how will he pay his way?