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Best friends boyfriend

PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 4:51 pm
by kat89
I live in a flat with my two best friends and we have always been extremly close. Before Christmas however my best friend got a new boyfriend. We were delighted for him at first of course however we were less than impressed when we met his new man. He didnt drink and was extremly shy. Of course we brushed off the non drinking aspect as it would be handy having a sober person with us on nights out, however the shyness did not vanish with time. In fact he perminantly remained in the background and it became very difficult to force conversation out of him. When he came to the flat he would sit with us on his laptop when we were in the sitting room or on his fone, occasionally showing clips of ammusment to my best mate but nothing to me or jen(my other flat mate) and as such it became increasinly difficult to engage him in any form of converation particularly when he refused to join in any game we played prefering to watch from a distance. However a few weeks ago my best friend came on a rare night out with us since going with this new guy. The boyfriend however was completely unimpressed by this and was angry that my friend did not continusly text him the entire night or invite him to the cinema where we went before hitting the club. When my friend tried to suggest this was because he wanted to spend time with his mates and that the two of them went to the cinema every week together where as we very rarely went the boyfriend got angry claiming he should be put before us at all times. He continued to text my best friend for the rest of the night claiming that they did not do enough stuff alone together when they came to the flat but again they would spend the entier day together before hand. My friend just wanted a night with his best pals but the boyfriend was angry that he would not text him throughout the whole evening. The next day they had a meeting to discuss this and since then whenever the boyfriend comes over he jsut sits in my friends room without even saying hello to either me or my other flat mate. He will remain there for days on end only leaving the room to use our shower. It had been like this for weeks now we never get to see my best friend because he stays in the room all the time with his boyfriend who comes over uses all our water, electircity and eats our food without even saying a word to us which both me and my flat mate think is incredably rude. it has made things really akward and I strongly get the impression the boyfriend doesnt like me. We were all like a wee family before he came alone, we would eat together, watch tv together and chat now we do nothing. Its like there is a barrier between me and my flat mate and my other flat mate and his boyfriend. When ever i raise this subject with him he fobs me off or quickly changes the subject but i dont think its fair to feel that akward in your own home. Should i broach the subject again or see how this new arrangment lasts?

Re: Best friends boyfriend

PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:02 pm
by ILoveChristmas
As you say, you shouldn't be made to feel akward in your own home.

Obviously when someone new comes along it inevitably carries with it a change in routine which everyone needs to adapt to, but it sounds like this is a little bit beyond that.

Broach the subject with your friend in a non-agressive way and see what he has to say about it. If his boyfriend is ignoring you and spending all the time in his room your friend will be unable to deny that it's causing a rift between you all. What, if anything, gets done about it is a matter for the discussion.

Perhaps you can get him to agree to spend more time with you guys, or maybe you can get him to invite his boyfriend along to your nights out. That may be the compromise you need to come to. Whilst I don't agree that a boy/girlfriend should be given priority in all cases, you will need to accept that in a lot of cases he's going to spend time with him. The trick is obviously to strike a balance.

The major issue in your case is that the problem doesn't lie with your friend, it's his boyfriend, so be careful not to put your friend in too much of a difficult situation. All you can really do is put it out there that things are not well in the house and that you have suggestions x, y and z to help fix it. If he chooses not to listen or chooses to bury his head in the sand there isn't much you can do.

Clearly his boyfriend is forcing him into a difficult corner over it and he needs to be strong enough to say no.

Re: Best friends boyfriend

PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:17 pm
by RagDoll
Definitely agree that it's not right that his boyfriend doesn't speak to you, but is happy to eat your food, use your electricity etc. and not contribute.

However, I also get the feeling there is an element of jealousy about your post regarding the fact that your friend no longer spends as much time with you as a result of his new relationship. I think that's inevitable really and would happen no matter who he'd chosen to go out with. Yes, it's unfortunate that he's going out with someone that you don't like, but I'm afraid it's his choice who he starts a relationship with and you have to respect that. Perhaps he sees something in him that you don't? Being 100% honest with yourself - did you give his boyfriend a proper chance from the beginning?

Having said that, I agree you shouldn't be made to feel comfortable in your own home, so some sort of agreement needs to be reached.

Re: Best friends boyfriend

PostPosted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:32 pm
by kat89
Its not just me who has been feeling this in the flat. My other flat mate went to uni with my best friend and his boyfriend and at first they got on well but hes stopped talking to her now too. She rekons its a bit of jealousy on his part of us by the fact we were all so incredably close and he wanted the same level of connection with my best friend. However such connections are not made over night. Another reason would be he is intimidated by me as i am a loud person where he is very quite, however this does not make up for the fact he refuses to speak to my other flat mate now as well. It's bordering on the point or rudness and we both dread him coming round now. I cant deny that I am jealous by the fact that I rarely see my best friend anymore because of him but it doesnt mean i should be ignored in my own home! I dont know if it was the way i was raised but when ever I went to a friends house when i was younger i would always say hello to the parents as it was their house i was entering. Even when i go to friends flats i say hello to their flat mates as well. Some times i am completely unaware hes in the flat its only in the mornings and the fight for the shower you realise hang on theres someone else in the flat making me late for uni.