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advicefor a friend

PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 10:13 am
by cany
Has anybody any thoughts. How I can help my friend sally. She needs help. she is so distraught, not eating/sleeping. And very fragile.

Her boyfriend pete of 20 yrs. Is the most controling man you would ever meet, but to his friends he's fine.
sally has 2 children, grown up. 1 has left home and has a family. pete gets on ok with them. But sallys daughter 36yrs, is back at home again, after many relationship problems. She has been very flighty in the past. but at last has grown up. But Pete will not speak to her or her boyfriend for a month now. sally's daughter has now returned to her 1st boyfriend, and are planning to buy a house together, but need to save. She would like to bring her boyfriend home to stay overnight.
sally's problem is pete let the boyfriend stay over yrs ago, and the relationship ended. And is putting his foot down, and refusing the daughter to let him stay, sayng it will end again. sally is so upset that pete will not let herdaughter from a previous marriage,( where she was tragically widowed very young.) be allowed to do this, and feels there is a wedge being put between her, and her daughter.
pete is adoment, sally has tried endlessly to persuade him. he said well leave. but after coaxing, admited he wouldn't want her to leave.

Pete is dreaful to sally, things ie washing up. Hoovering, cleaning a shower everything has to be done his way. sally is so worried if he is like this now, he will only get worse as he gets older. she doesn't know what to do, and is at her wits end. And turned to me, I'm at a loss to help her.

He is stuck in his own selfish way, and she has to adhere. she has stood up to him many many times, but says there is'nt a problem!

Has anyone any ideas, She e-mailed me early hours of the morning, worried sick, cannot live like this.

:-s

Re: advicefor a friend

PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 4:38 pm
by Ticktock
I get the feeling that your friend is in fact caught between two strong personalities, her boyfriend and her daughter. After all at 36 the daughter is more than capable of finding somewhere else to sleep over with her boyfriend, but she has chosen to pick a fight over this despite needing to rely on her parent's charity for what might be a substantial time!

This is what is distressing your friend so much, she will have to choose and can't please everyone. As you say she has been with someone who is controlling for a long time and so she will tend to follow the path of least resistance to keep the peace, no way to do this in this situation.

There is also family history likely tied up in this, as you say the daughter was flighty in the past, how many chances has she already thrown away? Also the boyfriend arrived on the scene when she was older, like a lot of older stepchildren she probably ignored him because she could, now having to rely on his charity must grate tremendously.

I would say that although your obvious preference is for her to leave her boyfriend it is unlikely to happen. She does need to call his bluff though and a temporary walk out might scare him enough to back down at least in the short term, however if it doesn't work, and it may not, she needs to decide if she can leave permanently and most importantly where she would go, after all they are not married and she may not get a share of the assets.

Re: advicefor a friend

PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2011 6:07 pm
by snail
Well, I think there are two issues here - the daughter issue, and the general controlling.

Regarding the daughter, I tend to be on Pete's side - I think he has a right to say who stays over in his home, and if he doesn't like this man why should he have him to stay. At 36 and living with her parents the daughter really has no right whatsoever to complain! I'm sure she can get around it in some way, or put up with it for the time being, and if not she should simply move out. She and the boyfriend can rent, or she can share with flatmates to keep costs down. Sally should respect Pete's decision in this matter - it's his home too.

Regarding Pete being controlling, that's a separate issue. If Sally has a problem with this, perhaps she could suggest relationship counselling. It seems a shame to throw 20 years away.