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Controlling, snappy best friend

PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 12:23 am
by Jonaslove
Right so basically Im having problems with my best friend of 14 years. We are extremely close and I would never want to lose her as we have been through so much together, she has been there for me through some pretty tough times and we have so many private jokes and years of amazing memories together.

The problem I'm having is that I feel like I rely to much on her opinion and let her control me far too much. She has these mood swings, one minute I can have a really good conversation with her and we'll be having a laugh and then the next day she will snap at me, give me the dirtiest looks and question everything that I do.

I feel like I let her control certain decisions I make as well, or at least that she tries too. For example I grew my hair out long and really liked it and one day she said wow your hair has gotten really long and I replied saying yeah I know, needs a little cut though haven't had it cut for ages! She said .... yeah... I preferred it shorter. I know that sounds like such a silly thing to get upset about but it was they way she said it, it was like she was trying to bully me into having it how she thought I should have it. Another example is she tried setting me up with her boyfriends friend (who wasn't the best looking boy I've ever seen, not that that matters, but its relevant to the next part!) and he was lovely, but I just didn't like him like that and we ended up being just friends. I then started talking to someone else (who also wasn't great looking) and the first night she met him she later on said to me 'well.. I didnt know he looked like THAT' in a really bad way as if he was the most ugly boy she'd ever seen in her life! And it really upset me, I didnt say anything to her as I was in shock that she'd even said it! And also if I ever get a text from him when I'm with her she tuts or rolls her eyes and if I say what was that look for she will say oh you ALWAYYYYYYSSSS talk to him, as if its the absolute worst thing in the world! Its not even like I ignore her to talk to him, I wait until its convenient to answer him just so I dont annoy her even more! It really annoys me that she treats me like this and I dont think she understands how that would make me feel.

I have spoken to two other of my friends about this and they both understand what I mean and say they have felt the same way. The difference is that they don't let it actually affect the decisions they make and if she doesn't approve of something they want to do, they get annoyed by it but do it anyway, whereas I dont. I let it affect me so much that I let her change my mind about things. I feel like I let her control the clothes I wear, the people I choose to be friends with, and the boys that I choose. I feel like its hard for me to explain because I don't want to lose her because at times she's a fantastic friend and I've known her for soooo long theres really no way at all that I can live my life without her! And I know she couldn't live without me either.

Up until recently she was always the one who all the boys wanted and all the girls were jealous of or wanted to be friends with. This really made me feel like I wasn't good enough and that she was better than me all the time and now I feel like its affecting me really badly in that I feel she's better than me and I let her control me!
I dont know what to do or how to deal with her anymore. I was talking to my two friends about it and they said that how would she feel if it was the other way round and we all said that we knew she wouldn't be happy but she wouldnt really let it affect the decisions she makes. I feel like she judges me and it frustrates me because who is she to judge me, she just a person exactly the same as I am! But even though I know thats true I still let it really get to me. Any advice would be appreciated!

Re: Controlling, snappy best friend

PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2011 7:07 am
by Ticktock
Well after 14 years you aren't going to be changing this particular friend, she will remain the snappy/judgemental/bossy person she has always been.

What you can change is yourself, because it is your lack of self belief and confidence which allows this woman such a hold on you.

The fundamental step is to cut down contact, just make yourself unavailable, busy life lots of things to do etc...

Then start looking for something new to do, is their anything you have always wanted to try, somewhere you have always wanted to go. Make a plan, carry it through and succeed, learn to trust your own decision making.

If you can do that then your friends sniping will seem like what it is, the actions of a deeply unhappy person.

Re: Controlling, snappy best friend

PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2011 10:16 pm
by Jonaslove
Thank you very much for your opinion Ticktock, I have started to take your advice already by seeing her a lot less, which I find is really helping me actually. I think the less I am around her, the less I let her have a hold on me :)
Thanks again!