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gave my friend bad advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 2:29 pm
by elouisa

I recently went through an extremely difficult time in my life, and luckily had a lot of friends there to support me through it.

Last summer my very good friend started dating an older guy (49), she is 29. She broke it off around January time, as she said that she needed more time to think about her career, and she said that she didn't see him as a life partner, I'm guessing because of the age difference. She also said that she was worried about having kids, whether she wanted them or not. She said she didn't see herself as 'maternal' and she couldn't imagine having kids right now, as her career was more important. I said that she shouldn't have kids if she didn't want them. At the same time, I was also going through a very bad time in my life. This lasted about 4 months, during which I went to visit her regularly. and during which this conversation took place.

Recently she started seeing him again, and things have gotten serious. He came on holiday with our friends, and I accepted to go in the car with them on the way. I was supposed to be sorting out the details, but because I was so stressed, they offered to drive as an alternative.

Since the holiday with all of our friends together, I have been thinking about the advice I gave to my friend, and worrying that I said the wrong thing. I was not in a good place, and I feel I have negatively influenced my friend's decision regarding this man. He is a lot older than her, and perhaps she does want to have kids after all.

What should I do?
Any suggestions welcome.

Re: gave my friend bad advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2012 8:50 pm
by Bel Bel
You can do nothing. At the time your friend was telling you all the reasons why this relationship and children weren't for her. Things can change and they obviously have or she wouldn't be back with him. She hasn't listened to your advice for whatever reason so I am not sure what you think you will achieve by talking to her.

Alternatively you can talk to your friend but she may not even remember the conversation.

You say you were stressed on holiday and you seem to be over worrying about something that really isn't an issue to your friend or she wouldn't have gone on holiday with you both. It sounds like you may be suffering from anxiety and that is why ylour over worrying, could this be the case? If so perhaps you need to get some cognitive therapy to help you learn to cope with stress

Re: gave my friend bad advice

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 1:12 am
by elouisa
No, she did listen to my advice, and now she's going back out with him (she was worried about having kids altogether- this guy's had a vasectomy)

But thank you for the advice, and yes, I do worry excessively, and am currently having therapy! perhaps CBT would be better though, as counselling doesn't seem to be doing anything.

thank you


Re: gave my friend bad advice

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:56 am
by Bel Bel
My sister had conselling with several people and it never helped but CBT has dramaticaly changed her
My daughter also had CBT after a bad bullying incident and it was brilliant
I know several people who have had it and they really have changed into different people after - I think it's worth a try