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Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 11:35 am
by RagDoll
My friend’s boyfriend of nearly six years broke up with her on Monday night. She has lived with him for the last four and half years, so obviously it’s a life changing decision that he’s made.

She is completely heart broken and is obviously struggling to come to terms with his decision. In a nutshell, he’s told her that he doesn’t feel comfortable committing to her longer term (she’s been prodding him about marriage) and isn’t entirely sure if it’s because of her, or whether the idea of committing to anyone would be scary. He said he’s been thinking about it for over a month and he does love and care about her, but is not IN love with her.

He broke up with her before when they’d been together about a year, and obviously that time he changed his mind. Because of that, she keeps convincing herself that he’ll change his mind this time too, but I’m not so sure. The circumstances were different then – obviously they hadn’t been going out nearly as long and they didn’t live together. Breaking up with her this time has meant her moving back in with her parents (who she hasn’t lived with in seven years), it’s massively upset both sets of parents/families/friends (who thought they were really happy and settled) and my friend is devastated.

I went to see her last night and one of her other friends was there. I really like her friend but I was getting a bit frustrated with her filling my heart broken friend’s head full of stuff about how she has ‘a feeling they’ll get back together’, that he’s probably panicked and made a rash decision etc. My feeling is that he won’t have taken this decision lightly – I’m not saying that means he definitely won’t change his mind, who knows, but given the hurt and consequences caused he must have truly meant it when he said he wanted to break up. I also think that since he’s said he’s not in love with her, it’s difficult to go back on that. No one can make someone love them.

I wondered what other people thought – last night I felt like the baddie because I was gently trying to tell her not to get her hopes up and emphasise that he will have carefully considered this decision. I also said that even if he does change his mind she needs to give it due consideration – I totally get why she just wants things to go back to the way they were as she’s hurting, but she deserves to be with someone who will give his all and is 100% committed to her and the relationship. She really is a lovely person so I feel like she deserves better really, even though I know he can’t help how he feels. I also think she’d always be living in fear of him changing his mind again. She is talking like marriage etc. isn’t that important to her anymore and if he wants to be with her, that’s enough, but that’s an awful lot to give up. She has always wanted to get married and have children (she’s always said she wouldn’t want kids out of wedlock). I just feel like all along she’s always done all the compromising and giving and still, it’s not enough.

Do you think I am thinking along the right lines? Or is the kinder thing to tell her what she wants to hear? I know she’s got to come to terms with this in her own time and at the moment she’s understandably in a state of shock, but people encouraging to hold onto a beacon of hope is not helpful in my eyes…

Sorry for the length of this post. It’s hard to explain complex situations succinctly!

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2012 6:07 pm
by highlandcow
Your poor friend. Dealing with my own break up at the moment, my heart really goes out to her. :(

However reading it all, I'd be inclined to agree with you. It can be so tempting to just tell her what she wants to hear so I can understand why you'd want to keep it positive for her own sanity. But, speaking as someone who was given a butt-load of false hope in the last 5 weeks since my own break up, it's better to be honest.
Otherwise, it might just prolong the agony. And she doesn't want to hang on for him forever.

It does sound like he's put a lot of thought into it...not many people would casually end a relationship of that length without giving it some thought.

Of course, she's going to believe what she needs to believe at the moment, but I definitely think you're right to tell her what you really feel about it rather than what she needs to hear. He might well come round, and for her sake I hope he does, but if he doesn't, at least with your help she'll be better prepared emotionally.

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:48 am
by Bel Bel
I think you always have to say what you honestly think and at least she will always know she can rely on you for the truth.

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 11:49 am
by Bel Bel
And I agree with what you said to her too.

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2012 12:20 pm
by rufio89
I agree with the others, it's best to be honest.

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 9:27 am
by RagDoll
Further to my previous message, my friend saw her ex last night and he just reiterated that his heart isn’t in it anymore, so I think that the sad reality of the situation is starting to sink in L

There’s an offer on at the moment at a lovely old hall nearby for afternoon tea for 2, with a glass of champers each, for £14. I am considering purchasing the offer for us both as a cheer-her-up thing but I don’t know if it’s a good idea. I know when they first broke up she was struggling to eat etc. but the offer doesn’t expire until 26th September so she might feel more able to do something like that in a month or so. I just want to do something to show her I care and also to hopefully cheer her up/give her something to look forward to, or failing that, just help her fill in some time. However, I don’t want her to think that I don’t get the gravity of the situation and imply that I think she should be out and about enjoying herself?!

What do people think?

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 9:39 am
by RagDoll
PS: I'd appreciate quickish responses if at all possible as I need to purchase this offer (if I do) by the end of the day! Thanks :)

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 9:42 am
by snail
I think it's a good idea - it will show her you're thinking of her, and it's not like it's a night out at a male strip club or anything, it's just tea.

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 10:16 am
by rufio89
I think it's a great idea! It's a really lovely and thoughful thing to do (I'm actually considering stealing it for one of my friends who's going through a rough time).

I think as well, even if she is struggling to eat, afternoon tea tends to be a light meal, it's not like youre suggesting going out and stuffing your face on greasy food. I think she'll love it.

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 10:24 am
by elouisa
I think that's a great idea. Very thoughtful and she'll surely appreciate it :)

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 3:29 pm
by RagDoll
Thanks all :) I have purchased the afternoon tea for two and texted her to let her know. Haven't had a response yet, but hopefully she'll see that I'm just trying to do something to show her I care.

Re: Heart Broken Friend - Advice

PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2012 5:29 pm
by highlandcow
I was actually wondering about you friend today Ragdoll. It's sad that there isn't a chance of them making it work. Hope she's managing ok.

I think that's a lovely idea. :) I wish my best pal had done something like that for me.