When a friend turns their back on your friendship.

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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When a friend turns their back on your friendship.

Postby junketjunkie » Wed Aug 29, 2012 12:54 am

Hello everyone.

I'd like to get some considered and unbiased opinions on my situation. I will keep it as short and concise as possible.

A friendship of over 15 years or so, we have been through many up and downs through our lives and have supported one another. My friend, reason to date unknown, abruptly and aggressively ended our friendship. That was a couple of years ago and still no contact or explaination. I was surprised to say the least [mind you, after reading some of the problems on this forum, it makes a depressing read at times - but strangely reassurring others have experienced such things] Anyway, my dilema is this friend insists on maintaining contact with some of the friends I introduced them to. This is making me feel quite awkward as I'm quite a loyal sort of person and feel my friends perhaps should show me the same. My friends have suggested this friend is doing it out of spite, trying to 'get at me' type of thing. Ultimately childish if true, but nevertheless, I'm wondering why my friends are allowing that to happen by responding.

After the dust settled, I realised quite quickly that if a lengthy friendship can be disgarded so easily by this person, that there was no friendship and I'm better off. In fact, there may be more sinister reasons that I'm glad I don't know about, or they may be unbalanced, in a nasty way. Who knows, but my thoughts focus more on the friends that are allowing the contact to continue with this person. I just don't think it's right to try and poach anothers person's friends.

So my question is, how can I tackle this without appearing like a little jealous or resentful child? Do I now have-to distance myself from the friends who still respond? I've never been placed in this kind of situation and have no desire to make amends with this now ex-friend, but would quite like to hang on to the other friends involved. My instincts are telling me to walk away from all of them, but my logical side is saying why should I give up my friends for this one's meddling behaviour. Just don't know what to do without offending anyone :roll:

Thank you for any thoughts and ideas on what you would do or have done?
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Re: When a friend turns their back on your friendship.

Postby Ticktock » Wed Aug 29, 2012 7:52 am

In a similar situation with my brother and some relatives, and he is expressly doing it to get at both myself and my younger brother, to the point he even tried to stop them going to their own sisters funeral.

My view is that your friends don't know what has really gone on, your ex-friend may have given all sorts of excuses for their bizarre behaviour and rather than confront them to find out the truth most people will just try to stay out of it.

If your theory is right, that they are doing this to get at you, then getting in a tug of love over these friends will be just what they want, but it is difficult as you are feeling wounded by her behaviour and don't want to let her hurt you anymore.

The best thing you can do is just to let her get on with her own life, avoid being around her and you may lose some friends who choose to be with her, but you know better what her friendship really means. Sorry I can't give an instant solution but all I can advise is that with my brother it does appear to be mental illness (narcisstic personality disorder) and confrontation has only made him worse and more irrational...
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Re: When a friend turns their back on your friendship.

Postby junketjunkie » Wed Aug 29, 2012 2:06 pm

Great reply Ticktock, thank you very much for taking the time. I think you might be right on with the personality disorder, and perhaps with my ex-friend it was always beneath the surface but well covered up for years! You know the spooky part is this person just prior to giving me my marching orders, started to copy me and my lifestyle. This manifested in buying and wearing the same clothes, listening to the same music, even taking the same foreign language classes to list just a few! Almost in a competitive mode which became quite unnerving with its intensity. I think we've all experienced a time when someone has complimented us on a certain accessory we've acquired and bought the same, but this was way over the normal type of flattery. I felt watched and shadowed, to the point of identity theft!

Maybe it came to a head when this person realised they couldn't actually be me so decided to remove me from their derranged picture. Perhaps the competing is continuing at a distance by contacting my friends and that way the attention this person craves in someway gets satisfied.

It's like living in a warped parallel universe for these folks but quite distruptive for us ones living in the here and now reality of life. I don't know about you and your brother's behaviour, but for me, I find it all quite annoying and a waste. Also the lack of accountability I find to be the most frustrating with people who choose to behave this way. I think taking onboard your suggestion to step away a little feels the most comfortable. In fact, I've been ok with having no contact with this person for a couple of years now. A blessed relief to be honest and time enough for them to realise I've moved on in that regard. Gut instinct is fantastic and I sensed I would be met with hostility if I confronted their behaviour so didn't venture there. I reckon if people are capable in the first instance to act in these ways, why on earth would they suddenly be rational?!

I will have-to wait and see what happens when I become less available to the rest of the friends who choose to stay involved. Like you said they may follow or I may lose them but at least I keep my identity and self-respect.

Thanks again for your input on this, much appreciated.
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Re: When a friend turns their back on your friendship.

Postby Ticktock » Wed Aug 29, 2012 2:37 pm

Yes I know what you mean by lack of accountability, in my particular case it has come to a head after my mother's death who unwittingly was acting as a counsellor for him (three or four phone calls a day of nearly an hour each!). I have been scratching my head for months during the probate with various threats being made and lies being told and as part of my reading on something else I came across NPD and it was like a light coming on. Things I knew about him from decades ago all came into sharp focus, this had been coming for awhile, but his problem not mine!

Nothing that can be done unless he acknowledges something is wrong, but at least I know what is motivating him and can indulge his illness to manage the probate process better.

Have a read of this link, I think it is probably closest to your ex-friend and might shed some light.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline ... y_disorder
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Re: When a friend turns their back on your friendship.

Postby junketjunkie » Thu Aug 30, 2012 12:22 am

Gosh, your mum getting all those calls! Things and situations do tend to reveal themselves over time don't they, not much can be hidden forever. The patterns of the way people behave over time can be evident of that. Their ways may be masked, deviated from and even denied, but most of the time, things come to light and show themselves, sometimes in their distasteful glory. But then that also goes for positive actions and gestures aswell though, not to get too bogged down!

Thanks for the link, I had a read of it; lots that could be compared/explained and those analysis put things in perspective. But when I followed on with the examples of BPD and started to read the link with the synopsis on the 'Single White Female' film, I had-to close it and scuttle off and do something else - won't be watching THAT film in a hurry! :)
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