Miserable.

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Miserable.

Postby Diamondeyes » Sat Apr 27, 2013 11:27 pm

Okay, I'm a 25 year old woman and I'm really struggling with having no friends I can actually rely on. I'm currently in my first year of Uni and when I first started I made a friend who was a couple of years old than me. Now more recently I find whenever we're in lectures she'll try to leave me out or isolate me unless I'm paranoid and is really fond of a younger girl aged 18, they party together and see each other outside if Uni, so it's like she's trying to live her youth again after having kids which is great for her. I have been in two nights out with her but theres always been three of us and she'll tend to blank me most of the night. The majority of my friends all have partners or kids. I do have one best mate but she visits her boyfriend every summer in America leaving me here with nothing to do and no one to do things with. I'm still pretty much in the stage of wanting to go to festivals or travelling but really have no one to do this with. I'm single and haven't met anyone for the past four years that I've been able to be happy with after a messy break up.
I'm just in the process of starting a guitar group for ten weeks from next week, hoping I'll meet new people although the age range may be over 40s :/ and trying my best to volunteer but the majority say I can't start until after ten weeks because of CRBs etc. also doing driving lessons so its not as if im sitting atound doing nothing about it, it'd be nice to have someone to say "hey fancy a drink?"
I feel as though I'm wasting my life and really starting to feel depressed about it. My self esteem is awful compared to how it used to be. It's really effecting me, I compare myself to other people and wish I was them. I really am sad.
Can anyone offer any advice?
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Re: Miserable.

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Apr 30, 2013 12:06 pm

NEVER compare yourself to others
Some people are good at making it appear thay have a great life when if fact they have their own issues and problems.

I think you are doing all the right things to try and meet new people.

Apart from what you are already doing are there any singles groups/clubs in your area. At least anyone in this type of group will be there for exactly the same reasons as you.

It's sad your friend goes away but you do have her the rest of the year.
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Re: Miserable.

Postby ILoveChristmas » Wed May 01, 2013 10:12 am

Comparing yourself to others is damaging and something you should definitely try to avoid because it leads to self-pity. I remember an interview I once heard with Stephen Fry in which he spoke about self-pity and I remember really being able to relate to what he was saying and how it applied to my own life. I'm not suggesting you're wallowing in self-pity, in fact you're being commendably pro-active, but I think it's worth pointing out how easily it's possible to get there.

After a brief Google to remind myself I can quote what he said:

"Certainly the most destructive vice, if you like, that a person can have, more than pride…is self-pity. I think self-pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have, and the most destructive. It destroys everything around it except itself…it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself behind." - Stephen Fry

You're definitely doing the right things to meet new people. Clubs are great and you will meet new people and friends, especially so if you're combining it with an interest or hobby like your guitar club because it instantly gives you common ground on which to base conversations. I'd never want to dissuade you from volunteering (I volunteer with a couple of youth groups so I know how much good can come from it) but do be careful that it doesn't have the opposite effect from what you're hoping for. Volunteering has a habit of consuming huge amounts of your time and energy so be careful you don't end up meeting fewer people, having less free time and feeling even more isolated.

You've discovered through your own experience that socializing in threes is rarely a good idea and something I'd advise you to avoid unless you're with 2 other close friends. Groups of three are naturally problematic for conversations, because in a group of three people you can only make eye contact with one other person at a time and that leaves the third person immediately at a disadvantage. It's not so bad when you're with four or more people because there isn't the feeling of isolation and the option is there for you to strike up a conversation with someone else.

I know a couple of people who have used websites like citysocializer dot com. It's not a dating website, it's purely for people like you who are looking to meet friends with similar interests and similar ages. If you feel like your voluntary work and club isn't working the way you'd hoped it's something you could consider joining.
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Re: Miserable.

Postby retrochav » Thu May 02, 2013 10:38 pm

There's no need to compare yourself to others. We are all pretty much the same. Presenting an outer image to the world but battling issues on the inside.

Many will look at you and think "I wish I were her. She's at uni, she's going to learn to drive, she's got plans and is going places" They won't know how you feel inside, any more than you can't see the issues others aren't telling you about.

Keep the friendship with these girls, but take up any other opportunities of friendships or activities, so you don't put all your eggs in one basket.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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